Henry Cavill has been cast as Superman in Zack Snyder’s TOTALLY X-TREMO FRAT BOY MAN OF STEEL glory. Cavill is known for his work in Stardust, the Tudors, and uh, probably other stuff. Even a presumuptious asshole like me isn’t going to pretend to have any opinion on this.

Actually.

Sure! Why not? I have no clue. Warner Bros. issued a glorious fawning press statement announcing the news, which you can check out after the jump.

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Are you like me? Riddled with mental problems. Socially retarded. Stewing for the past eighteen months or so about the Watchmen movie? Have you wanted to kick Zack Snyder’s ass and roll him down a hill of turds and landmines? Well, now you can do it. In fact, you can do it in your own fucking Rorschach mask. Youtube user guinness0507 is dropping knowledge bombs, letting us all know how to pull it off. It involves shit like “Thermochromic paint pigment and clear screen printing base”, which is way beyond me.

But it’s still fucking rad as hell to see in action.

Hit the jump to watch our boy Guinness break it down.

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Oh good lord, what the fuck is this bullshit. I thought I could comfortably throw my weight behind Zack Snyder to deliver a lighthearted, flashy Superman. Then I wake up today and everything doesn’t make sense and I found out he’s leaning towards making a 100% CGI Superman? What? What the fuck? Someone cockslap me, I want to wake up.

io9:

Movienewz is reporting that director Snyder, “has plans to rely heavily on CGI for the Man of Steel.” Which we can only imagine would mean Goode in the flesh for all of the Clark Kent shots, and some sort of Green Lantern-meets-Avatar CG nonsense when he’s kicking butt as the Man Of Steel.

Oh Jesus. Why would you do this? Aren’t we all burned out on Avatar-esque bullshit? Even assholes like me (listen, I fucking hate myself) who were totally wowie-kazowied over Avatar initially? Stop, don’t tell me anything else.

IGN:

We at IGN have been hearing talk of a CG-enhanced Superman as well. In fact, our sources claim that Snyder stopped by to meet with the effects folks behind Avatar recently to check out their techniques, which kind of/sort of suggests that he’s interested in Avatar-izing his Man of Steel.

I’m about to barf up the sixteen cans of Diet Mountain Dew I’ve pounded today. Maybe this shouldn’t surprise me. All of Snyder’s movies have relied on deep, thick, chunky amounts of CGI. Even Sucker Punch, which I’m sweating, is a computer generated wank fest. But to go 100% CGI for a Superman? Barf. Barfalicious. Fuck you, Frat Boy Rock. Haven’t you seen how assy the Green Lantern suit looks?

God dammit.

I need to stop hating on Zack Snyder. For, you know, destroying Pepsibones’ most beloved graphic novel of all time. Why? ‘Cause after seeing the newest trailer for Sucker Punch, something has become apparent. Zack Snyder and I both share the same mindset. Apparently we are both over-sexed permanent thirteen year-olds. We like hot chicks, mechs, karate swords, and slow motion. A lot. The trailer is so fucking base, so retarded, so generic, so fucking amazing. Somehow I can watch it while knowing that it’s mindless, dick-stroking babe objectification and cheeseball pandering, and not just like it. But sweat it. Sweat it with a bulge in my pants that commands thunder and perhaps pity. It is a thunderously small portion of little boy meat.

I want to hang out with Zack Snyder, Rob Liefeld, and Dude Huge at the same time so badly. We’ll all snort viagra and run around an arcade wearing Gears of War armor and pointing and screaming at every set of tits we see. Then Liefeld will try and draw the boobs we see, and they’ll all have broken backs, enormous jugs, and cloven feet. To dream. To dream.

Hit the jump to be fucking x-treme and check out the trailer.

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The Brothers Omega are well documented in what could easily be described as their soul-crushing response to Zack Snyder’s Watchmen. To us (maybe not to you, and if not, we’re happy for you), it was the cinematic equivalent of watching our Mom getting butt-dinged by a large walrus tweaking out on viagra and cocaine. The therapy bills are enormous.

So now that the same Master of Non-Subtlety, Snyder, is taking over Superman, how the fuck do I feel?

I’m not really sure.

Actually, scratch that, I am sure. It’s my response that is confusing even me. I’m sort of optimistic. How the fuck did this happen? Not really sure. A few reasons. First off, prior to Watchmen, I dug on Snyder. Both Dawn of the Dead and 300 were favorites of mine. Undead, super homoerotic favorites, but enjoyable nonetheless. As well, the trailer for Sucker Punch had me in fanboy ecstasy. It isn’t that the dude doesn’t provide chops for me to wank on.

My problem with him is his mastery of the over-the-top insane-o bullshit. Which I love, provided the circumstances provide for it. His soft-touch is a spike-laden hammer. How will that fit into Superman? I’m not sure. I sure didn’t think it fit into Watchmen. So here I am, after the dude smashes into mush (again, in my eyes, if you liked it, I’m glad you’re happy) one of my favorite graphic novels of all time, and I’m actually cool with his annointment?

Weird. Life is weird.

If Christopher Nolan thinks he fits the script provided by Goyer, I’m going to float him my confidence. I’ve always been a dummy when it comes to giving people my heart. I’m am pretty much a retarded puppy, capable of getting kicked repeatedly by those I love (Looking at you, Lucas), and continually expecting the next extension of the hand to be a gentle testicle rub. So here you go Snyder, I’ll be optimistic about this. Don’t let me down.

I had only read about Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch prior to this trailer. And still smarting that he took (what I consider to be) a big fat Frat Boy Shit on Watchmen, I didn’t really want to give it much of a look. But now I have seen the trailer, and I think I have been altered for the better/worse.

Returning to where I think it makes sense for him to stay, Sucker Punch looks like the retarded nocturnal emission of a mentally-challenged 16 year-old who plays too much World of Warcraft and drinks too much Mountain Dew. It’s hyper-erotic-violence featuring chicks in short skirts and giant robotic samurai ninjas. It’s like the product of some dude stuck in arrested development, who has been snorting pixie sticks laced with crushed viagra, who then smokes weed and watches 300 and Kill Bill back to back.

In other words, it channels a vibe that speaks to a very, very large part of me, that only through an immense amount of anti-psychotics and self-control have I managed to partially contain.

Also, it’s got Jon fucking Hamm in it. In other words, my homo-crush, and if I could turn my feelings for him into dollar bills, I could buy at least three-hundred-million Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers.

Hit the jump and check out the trailer. If your response is “this is the most juvenile piece of video-game pop-slush bullshit I have ever seen, designed for underdeveloped horndogs”, my response is “Yes. I can’t wait.

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