Oh shit! One week until Bayonetta sensually brushes up onto these shores. Are your genitals engorged? Are they swollen for non-stop climax action? I friggin’ hope so! I have a whole god damn plate of video games I haven’t finished yet, but it doesn’t matter. I want to climax, baby. CLIMAX. They’ll be discarded like the underwear I’m going to cheese with love when I finally slide this in. See what I did there? LOL! Fuck you.

This game has taken on a life of its own over here at Omega Level. I can’t even tell you how many hits we get a day for search terms like:

Bayonetta shits her own leather undies
Bayonetta sex
Bayonetta booty shorts

It’s sort of spiraled into its own bizarre fascination for me, and plus, you know, it gets me cheap hits. A bunch of horny nerds, cocks or clits in hand, ready to rub one out to Mrs. Gunshoes. It’s become a recurring joke born out a general excitement I have for the game. Again, it’s like, Devil May Cry starring a babe with gorgeous cleavage, glasses, and leather. Kamiya is playing on every visceral overtone in our animalistic bones. Well played, sir.

One week. You guys can make it.

This is the dopest shit I’ve heard in a long time. I remember reading on Kotaku a couple of weeks ago that Mikey Neumann, the creative director behind Borderlands, promised to hook gamers up. His deal was that if you preordered Borderlands on a particular day, he’d play the game with you and give you epic loots.

Then there was a bunch of hoopla about whether or not he was serious.

Turns out, he fucking was.

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One of the smartest things that Square did back in the day was bundle hot-ass demos for a Final Fantasy game with some other title you were never going to play. It was enough for me to buy both Tobal No. 1 and Brave Fencer. They were both pretty sweet, but I would have never touched them otherwise.

Well, EA seems pretty smart. Them or Bioware. Because bundled in with a new copy of BioWare’s upcoming Dragon Age Origins is a sweet piece of armor. That you can use in the forthcoming Mass Effect 2. Listen, I would drink toilet water that has been used by Shepard and crew. So this armor is so, so, so fucking tempting.

I had tried to forget about the fact that they were bundling this sexy armor for ME2 in with Dragon Age, but then BioWare released this video where you see it in action. In Mass Effect 2. Lords of Kobol, give me discipline. Check out the video after the jump.
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Ah, Bayonetta. On a nightly basis, I get into debates with myself over the merits of Bayonetta. On one hand, it seems like an amazing game. It stars a gorgeous woman with GLASSES, and features Devil May Cry-esque gameplay. On the other hand, it seems like the most amazing and flagrant female objectification in a long time. I take a moral stand for about fourteen seconds, before I’m amazingly defenseless in the face of a gorgeous woman and sleek gameplay.

Fearful of being outdone by anyone in the super-sexy-uber-sexual game department, Capcom has released a commercial for Bayonetta in Japan which features cleavage, ass shots, and yes, lollipop sucking. Top it all off with the tagline, “Nonstop Climax Action.” Amazing.

Check the video out after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

I may be crazy enough to call Halo 3: ODST the best installment in the Halo franchise yet. It seems particularly insane, since the game started off as DLC, then sprawled into a full release. All of this while not shaking the Halo 3 umbrella, because it wasn’t long enough, it wasn’t a full game, et cetera, blah blah. But I’m going to lay it on the line: ODST is shockingly superior in narrative and presentation to all the other Halo games. It left me with a sense of satisfaction that I haven’t gotten since the original Halo. And that’s what, eight years ago at this point? But I’m not bullshitting you.

Master Chief Sucks.

Oh my god fifteen million people just shit their pants. Fanboys are falling over and fainting and arming electronic messages of hate. But I love ODST so much more than the other Halo games because it finally put a human face to the epic, generic sprawling war that encompasses the Halo mythos. Master Chief is awesome because he can take an ass-kicking that would fell a tank, he does cool shit like hop out of spaceships, and he’s apparently schizophrenic and talks to computer AIs in his brain.

But can anyone relate to Master Chief?

I CAN, I TOTALLY READ THE SEVENTEEN BOOKS PLUS I FOLLOWED ALL THE VIRAL MARKETING, AND OH YEAH, I’M AN OVERWEIGHT GAYLORD FANBOY

Yeah well, let’s say that you’re someone who hasn’t read all the books, decoded all the messages, spent a million years on the Bungie message boards ruminating with fellow Halo fanatics. Is Master Chief anything more than the standard John McClean trope? No, not really.

I can’t tell you anything about the first three Halo games at this point. It’s been what, two years since the third installment came out? It’s forgettable slop. Yeah, I said it: forgettable slop. It’s a mushy Sci-Fi tale that borders on non-sensical for anyone who doesn’t want to sit down and hash everything out.

So what you’re saying is that the storyline sucks because you’re too stupid to understand it?

Actually, maybe.

But what I’m really trying to emphasize is that I haven’t connected with Master Chief and the primary storyline because it stars a sterile, unrelatable hero, with poor presentation.

So prior to playing ODST I thought that telling a lovable tale in the Halo universe was impossible.

Then I met Buck and Veronica.

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I haven’t played much ODST yet, but I figured I’d vomit up some impressions for those curious. Let me first begin by saying what you’ve already read everywhere else: as a single-player campaign, this isn’t worth sixty bucks. Maybe with all the online nonsense that I’m really not even going to touch, but if you’re looking for some single-player lovin’, seek elsewhere.

What’s awesome? The narrative. It’s only taken Bungie four Halo games, but they’ve finally made something compelling. The storytelling is much better than the previous games, and I already care more about these ODST scrubs than I do about the Ender’s Game rip-off known as Master Douche.

Blah? The graphics. C’mon Bungie. You look like you’re running last-gen stuff here. I’m not a graphics whore by any means, but you’re getting shredded by countless 360 games.

It’s a good game. Addictive even. I’m only taking a break to do some nightly reading and writing, or else I’d still be in there. It’s probably for the best though, since I’ve been told it’s only about five-hours or deliciousness. It’s a good, engrossing narrative so far, wrapped around the same tried-and-true gameplay. You may love it, but it’s refried beans to me at this point.

I’ll write something else up when I complete the game, which again, is about as long as one of my farts. (Which are probably longer than should be humanly possible, but extremely short in the grand scheme of even a mortal’s life.)

Oh man! On the same day that the Halo 3: ODST 250gb bundle was announced, Engadget reports that there’s a Uncharted 2 250gb bundle coming to the PS3. I love the fact that both Sony and Microsoft are taking uppercuts at one another. It’s fun to watch, and it’s creating all sorts of ridiculous bundles and deals. Sure, I bought the 360 and PS3 at launch. So really I don’t have any direct benefit from it. But it’s great to see the two giants fighting over our dollars.

Right now? How can you pass up a PS3 Slim with 250gb of space and Uncharted 2 for the ODST bundle? You’re getting a superior game and a Blu-Ray player. Hot.

I love Halo. Even though I don’t think it’s blown me away since the first game. And yet, I can only feel general sympathy for people who love it so much they go out and buy this bundle. Only confirmed for a PAL release at the moment, frat boys across the world are hoping North America gets a release as well. I think they’ll be hooked up.

Wait, you mean three-thousand music games, four zillion peripherals and a thousand downloads will over-saturate the market? I don’t understand. Guess that’s why I’m not an economist.

Via Destructoid:

NPD Group’s Anita Frazier has cast a grim outlook on the formerly booming music game market, revealing that sales are down 46% from last year.

I just can’t understand how this is happening!

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The newest Final Fantasy XIII clip to leak from god knows where and uploaded by god knows who to the internet shows clips from the newest trailer that was totally secret and not shown to the public. How do I know? Because I find this at Kotaku and they were like “This is exactly like the stuff we saw and you didn’t. Because it was secret. But we saw it anyways. We saw the secret clip. That you didn’t.” Check out the video after the jump.

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