Are you lowly spunk-dwelling peons even ready for this shit? I highly doubt it, so I’m recommending that you brace yourselves, for you see, the next-generation XBOX reveal is almost upon us and, due to my illustrious industry connections, I have some exclusive news nuggets that are so exclusive –  you’ll find yourself questioning their validity.

Are you braced?

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Welcome to Monday Morning Commute. This is the column where we all slow down enough to talk about what we’re enjoying on a given week. Me? How am I doing? Why, how kind of you to ask! As you may or may not know, I work on a college campus. And this week I’m lucky enough to enjoy the week off between Spring and Summer semesters. I’m going to spend the next seven days trying to figure out what that fuck I’m going to be teaching in a month, watching The Most Ill of all Bro Movies, and throwing a party at my new apartment. It’ll be a good week.

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Ha! Suck it haters! Yeah, I’m talking to you! And you! And you! And Jesus Christ, pretty much every body I’m friends with. A leaked Microsoft memo confirms (confirms?) that the next Xbox will have core features that work offline. Namely, single-player gaming.

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Some people around these parts are going to lube themselves with this news and just start straight-up punishing their pink bits. (Yes Neo, I’m looking at you.) Word has come out that Microsoft isn’t nearly where they want to be in the development of the Durascal 720-Kinect 2 Leviathan, to the tune of six months.

Hit the jump for the cuts, then let me know what you think.

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Let’s side-step what we think of Call of Duty, or the potential game from its creators. The fact that Microsoft may be sewing up the next game from these lads is pretty impressive. The Duty franchise is a veritable license to print money, and while there isn’t anything guaranteed about this new franchise I have to imagine it’ll be making crazy dollars. In a world where Sony and Microsoft are struggling to differentiate their console from the others, this could be a hell of a marketing point.

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The Next Xbox is being revealed on May 21. There are unconfirmed reports I’m going to dress up like Bill Gates and jack off into a blender filled with Xbox hardware. As I watch, it’ll hurl tech-shrapnel deep into my guts. I will orgasm.

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So…now a source close to the Durango-720-Nextbox is claiming that the next Microsoft console won’t be always-on. And will be backwards compatible! The plot thickens. I have no fucking idea what to believe any more, you?

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I know that it is cool to bash the Next-box Durascal 720 around here, if not all around the Internet at the moment. Creative directors making fun of people for not having the Internet, Steve Ballmer choke slamming interns for not shellacking his testicles properly — it’s been a goddamn mess. That said, I’m not particularly sweating the launch titles for the Microsoft TV Manipulator and Potential Game Player, since pretty much every system’s launch titles are snore-worthy.

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What a shocker. A Microsoft employee who literally spread his ass cheeks and shat upon potential customers worried about the Durascal 720’s always-on policy has gotten nixed. What a dumb fuck.

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Another day, another Nextbox-Xbox 720-Durango report. The little console that couldn’t (play games offline) is going to be supporting a similar (I think? I don’t know this shit) processor to the PS4. In addition, it isn’t going to be backwards compatible. If this makes you spit out your Faygo, I don’t know what to tell you. Why should Microsoft or Sony go out of their way to make their machines run our backlogs, when they can charge you again for a souped up version?

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