#August2016
Mr. Fuji, WWE Hall of Fame Manager, Passes Away
Fuckkk! Mr. Fuji taught me a lot as a young human being on this Blue Marble. For example. Always surround yourself with talented people. Embrace uncomfortable and potentially racist depictions of your nationality. And most importantly, if someone gets in your face, blind those pieces of shit by throwing salt in their eyes.
He will be missed.
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CM PUNK writing introduction to ‘AvX’ hardcover. That’s about right.
If you’re late to the game or new to the site, it is worth mentioning that I think AvX was a steaming pile of “refresh”-powered nonsense. I don’t think anything proves my point more than the fact that they’ve brought in a wrestler to do the introduction. I know he’s a legit comics fan, but. I don’t know. I suppose there isn’t really any purpose to bringing in someone with insight to a slug fest batch of hot water crap.
Face of a Franchise: Traitorous Hero!
[face of a franchise presents two individuals that’ve fulfilled the same role. your task – choose the better of the two and defend your choice in the rancor pit that is the comments section]
Most us are nothing more than sacks of flesh feebly held together with some chicken-finger ligaments. We’re weak, cowardly, and directionless. The human condition, if you haven’t noticed, is not generally teeming with dignity. Consequently, we rely on those who manage to combine natural talent with hard work so as transcend the mundane. Whether into the realms of fiction or reality, we all venture forth in hopes of finding a hero.
So there’s really nothing more treacherous than when a hero turns his back on his admirers.
Unfortunately, there’re more than a few examples of our heroes failing us. No, these don’t include instances in which our champions fight on our behalves but fall short. Hell, dying for a cause might be the most heroic act of all. Instead, idols truly disappoint us when they disregard the joy and admiration we’ve afforded them, essentially spitting upon the very people who’ve forged the crowns adorning their heads.
So this begs the question – who is the most traitorous hero of all? Well, we’ve narrowed it down to two contenders: LeBron James and Hollywood Hogan.
MIKE TYSON To Be In Next WWE Game. No Word On Ears Destructability
The WWE is rolling out all sorts of secret weapons lately. First they brought back Brock “It Hurts When You Really Punch” Lesnar. Now they’ve got Mike “Your Flesh Is Delicious” all up in their next game.
WWE and Lionsgate to Remake ‘LEPRECHAUN’. Naturally.
Leprechaun was one of many horror movies back in the day that scared the crud out of my bunghole. I was a bit of a candy ass, and I was often babysat by older cousins. As such I spent many summer afternoons cowering in the other room while chuckle fucks like the Leprechaun terrorized fictional neighborhoods. Now that pain and horror will be inflicted on a new generation of wimpy kids.
Macho Man Cuts A Promo For WWE Game; It’s MENTAL INSANITY!
Macho Man Randy Savage is one of the baddest motherfuckers alive. Fact, not opinion. Nothing can stop him. Not time, nor drugs, nor the death of Miss Elizabeth. After parting ways in 1994, the WWE and Macho Man have reunited, and it has resulted in awesome. The Macho Man has cut a fucking ridiculous promo for THQ’s upcoming WWE All-Stars. In something that is no less than a nostalgia-bomb-orgasm for me, Macho Man rambles on for a good minute and a half. Dude drops lines like “COMPLETE MENTAL INSANNNNNNNNNNITY” and “FUNKY LIKE A MONKEY.” Jesus Christ, I wish I was on set for this.
Oh childhood, I miss you.
Hit the jump for the video.
Press Start!: Fact: Nintendo Will Kill You.
Hello Earthlings of certain proclivities! Salutations. This is Press Start!, the column where I break down the week in gaming. I drudge together five happenings that caught my eye in the Video Gameverse. The list doesn’t reflect importance, or anything other than my personal preference. Hit the goddamn fucking comments box with your own input.
Buckle up, take your accelerant of choice, and let’s party.
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#1: Characters From Street Fighter Break Into WWE, Paralyze People.
The characters from Street Fighter don’t give a shit. They routinely smash the living shit out of cars just ’cause. In the middle of a god damn tournament, they’ll thrash your whip with snap kicks and shit. So why wouldn’t they cross franchise boundaries and whip the ass of unsuspecting dudes in spandex?
There’s no good reason why they wouldn’t. And now they are.
Some good chap used the character creation tool thingy in Smackdown vs. Raw 2011 to create twenty or so Street Fighter characters. Which, if I’m not mistaken people can download onto their PlayStation Boxes. This is fucking fantastic. If I bought the game I’d be all over this shit.
Superheroes in a wrestling game? If John Cena doesn’t deserve a spinning lariat from Zangief, who the fuck does? As I’ve blathered on about, the Street Fighter characters are a righteous addition because they call back to the golden days of wrestling. Back when the characters weren’t just assholes in denim shorts. They were assholes fighting for Communism, or capable of voodoo, or undead dudes who dropped tombstones and carried around creepy ass urns.
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#2: GameStop Has 3.6 Billion Dollar Holiday, But This Is Failure.
Fascist pig video game whoring multiplex GameStop made 3.6 billion dollars over the holiday season. What was the general reaction to these numbers? The joint’ stock fell by 6 perfect. This is despite the store’s profits rising by a poetically fitting 6 percent. Buh?
Listen, I’m not a economist. The only numbers I can crunch are those of my bank account. And as a graduate student making a shit stipend, the numbers are dismal. After the holiday season, you can hear echoes off the chambers of my savings account. So I’d take 3.6 billion dollars. Fuck, I’d take $5,000.
So what lead to the stock falling? The lack of growth. Despite the sales numbers, stockholders (is that what they’re called?) weren’t happy with the percent of growth. I see, I see. Other contributing factors may be the lack of suitable increase in GameStop’s used gaming market, which only grew 1.7 percent, or people who bought in for the holiday season but are not throwing up deuces and leaving.
Disagree with these reasons? I didn’t think them up, I’m just reporting.
Don’t shoot me.
But a 3.6 billion dollar disappointment? Amazing.
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#3: Super Mario At The Ice Capades Will Prolapse You.
I miss the 1980’s. Nothing made sense, and because of that, anything made sense. Take for example this segment from the 1988 Ice Capades. Hosted by Jason Bateman and a hot ass (I hope she’s legal here) Alyssa Milano, it features Super Mario and friends skating around in what can only be described as delirious awesomeness.
Bateman and Milano are rocking out playing some Super Mario backstage when – gasp! – the unthinkable happens. The original Nintendo catches a virus and allows the characters to escape the confines of their shitty grey cartridge. Trust me, this is amazing.
Also, let it be a lesson to you. Video games are dangerous. Everything your parents hear on the Boob Tube is correct: these games can fucking kill you. One minute you’re boppin’ shit for coins, the next minute Bowser is unleashed on the tangible realm. Looking for some ass to crush. Ask Princess, that shit hurts. Hurts done bad.
