Zack Roper ain’t nobody to fuck with! I don’t know that for certain, okay? So don’t test my claim by charging him lit to the tits on alcoholc, bravery, and squishy Hulk hands. But I’m fairly certain the Italian art teacher in question does rule. If these mash-ups are any indication.

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Fred was certain that everything’d gone according to plan.

Sure, it was only the third time he’d been called upon to complete the procedure. But why should he worry? It was the first thing they’d taught him at the Neural Corps Academy, a matter of routine that even those struggling with the coursework could exact if necessary. And he wasn’t no goddamn wash-out, he was quick to remind himself while taking a deep whiff of the checkered material.

He was Fred DeCoup. First, a child prodigy. Then, the star student-cum-valedictorian. And at twenty-two, the youngest cadet awarded the position of Reprogrammer General .

Needless to say, Fred was more than a bit startled when the subject woke up screaming. Typically, subjects’ reentries into consciousness are marked by outward expressions of tranquility, sometimes even gratitude. But when XT-203 came to, he was writhing with hatred and spitting vitriol.

“You piece of shit! You raped me! I remember everything! Release these clamps so I can tear out your throat!”

Fred DeCoup dropped XT-203’s boxer shorts from under his nose. He froze. He knew that everything hadn’t gone according to plan, that he’d made an error of the most egregious sort.

In his perverted ecstasy, Fred had forgotten the most important rule: always run a mind-wipe.

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Welcome to the Monday Morning Commute! This is the weekly call-to-arms for all aboard Spaceship OL — crew and passengers alike — to discuss the various ways we’ll combat the Boredom Bastards! Rumor has that a few of these fun-suckers’ve been spotted in the very sector we’re headed towards this week, so we need to make sure that everyone’s armed and ready to face `em!

Murder your familial responsibility with movies. Crush your manager’s halitosis with comics. Piledrive your self-doubt with pizza.

I’ll get us started, but you hafta join me in the comments section.

Let’s do this!

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Wolverine has got himself a variety of customs over the years. No surprise. Canadian Duder has been part of a variety of teams, and interjected into the world through a variety of media. Some costumes have been better than others. I mean — we can all agree Pirate Feral Wolverine may be the highlight of Logan’s career — right?

Hit the jump to check out the history of homeboy’s costume, and weigh in on your favorite.

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I fell in love with with Sean Murphy during his reign of awesome on Joe the Barbarian with Grant Morrison. Since that I haven’t really followed him. This makes me an idiot, I know. In case I wasn’t aware of that, Murphy has hung a few amazing pictures of commissions that he has done on the Internet’s ass. To remind everyone that if they’re not down with him, they eat dog food.

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Hugh Jackman is saying he will need a “pretty fucking compelling reason to return as Wolverine” after X-Men: Days of Future Past The Limit, stating it’ll take “like a musical or some shit. Or I’m out. Way fucking out.”

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Okay, this picture is dope. That’s two, mark it two!, pictures from X-Men: Days of Future Past that I’m digging. The correlation between the two? They’re both scenes that take place in the past. I loved First Class because it was also a period piece (can we call it that?), and so I imagine I’ll probably dig the shit out of those parts of Future Past. Brief aside: what’s up with Beast?

Hit the jump to check out the picture.

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There is a petition going around that is asking Edmonton to build a Wolverine status. Specifically, a 1,000 foot tall one. Me? I say why the fuck not. Lord knows walking around my campus I come across more ludicrous works of modern art. Sure they probably didn’t cost as much as this one will. Sure! But this is Wolverine. The Wolverine.

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Joey Mad, childhood icon of mine, is returning to Marvel in June. This should be something resembling news to me. However, I can’t bring myself to even give a fuck on a nostalgic level. I just can’t. How about you children of the 1990s. Does this tickle your goods? I imagine just his name will be enough to drag many back onto the shelves. Not me though. No. I can’t.

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A couple of days ago, I was wondering just how proud Marvel was of their terrible origin story, and whether they were going to cling to it. Today, I received my answer in a roundabout way. The company is releasing Wolverine: The Adamantium Collection. Headlining that pig is the origin story in question, thereby assuring that I never buy this bloated tome. Should you have (too much) money to spare and lack the sort of irrational, brain-frying madness that inhabits me, there is some good shit within the beast.

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Here is your evening’s moment of slop culture fecaltainment convergence.