Enlarge.

Listen man! When I hit puberty while playing Star Fox 64, you know what the first thing I did was? I put the rumble pack right on my little barely-pubescent testicles and I felt the roar of stimulation. It just seemed so natural, you know? And keeping that in mind, I’ve been wondering where the fuck the Wiimote sex toys have been! Well god dammit, they’re finally here.

The world has become a better, more orgasmic place today.

Destructoid:

“The device is attached to the accessory port on a Nintendo  Wii  remote control,” explains manufacturer Mojowijo. “The control is then connected to a bluetooth enabled PC running Mojowijo software.

“Using Mojowijo’s patent pending  Motion2Vibration  technology, the device is able to transform the varying motions of the control into appropriate vibration signals and send them to another selected device – in the same room or over the internet. (Wii gaming console NOT required). Essentially turning your Wii remotes into shared, remote controlled vibrators (aka wii vibrator or wiibrator!).”

The central gimmick here is that you get to control another person’s vibrator as opposed to your own, which makes them masturbation devices for people who should just be having actual sex. Unless they’re miles apart, in which case these things work over Skype.

A good god damn! You don’t even need the Wii! Hell yeah! Welcome to the world of robotic-claw-testicle-genital-stimulation! In the future this is going to be so passe, but right now I want to you know, manipulate genitals over the internet using a Wiimote. You don’t?

Hey Ma! Yeah you, Ma! Remember when you said that video games weren’t real? And that I shouldn’t cry over Aeris dying because she was fake? And that I was a disappointment and that you were glad you had a second child to correct your mistake?! Well guess what, video games are real! And Bowser died 3,000 years ago after totally kicking all shitloads of ass I bet.

Kotaku:

This extinct species of turtle was five-feet wide and weighed half a ton. It also looks a lot like a certain Nintendo villain.

The dog nose, the horns, the beaked mouth, the (relatively) enormous size…it’s official name is Meiolania platyceps, but it may as well have been called Meiolania Bowserus, so uncanny is the resemblance to Mario’s chief antagonist.

I know, Bowser and his Koopas are supposed to look like turtles, but this one goes a little further than looking like a turtle. I think it’s the horns. And especially the eyes. Those dark, angled, evil eyes

Well then, Mom! Take that shit. If you want to apologize, I’ll be sitting down here in my basement dungeon, penning epistles to Princess Peach about how fucking hot her ass is in that pink tuft of a dress. Slide the apology under the chain-links.

Remember back in the day when limited-prints of Zelda games came with a cold cartridge? Well it seems like Activision is hearkening back to those dope old days by bundling Goldeneye 007 with a gold controller. As if getting a new Goldeneye game wasn’t enough of a trip in the way-back machine.

God damn, how many hours did I burn through with this game, getting pissed as I got owned in multiplayer with a pack of friends? I don’t intend on gettin’ the remake and by proxy the controller, but it still makes my belly mirthful with warm remembrance.

Source: Tom Preston / Enlarge.

Source: Maneggs

Hell fuck to the yeah, I’m excited for Ms. Aran’s latest foray into the Metroidverse. A universe populated by giant blobs of brain-sucking jelly and a pretty sweet suit that always, it seems, breaks down immediately when faced with a crisis. The latest trailer shows off some of the cinematic flair that Team Ninja is bringing to the franchise, and god dammit, we’re all the better for it.

Hit the trailer, and get ready. Buckle up your space-pants or something.

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How do you bring together hardcore gamers and the most ballingly casual system out there? Fuggin’ Metroid: Other M. And if yesterday’s opening cinematic got your Kubrick all sweaty, then today’s gameplay is going to get your fingers twitching. Metroid: Other M is officially the next game I’m sweating with the unreluctant, unfettered passion of an aggravated Mel Gibson. Rimshot, offended groan.

Hit the jump and get down wit me, yo.

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Team Ninja has dropped the beginning cinematic for Metroid: Other M that features “the birth of Samus”. Now, this is cool unto itself, but it is even cooler that said birth is appreciably similar to one of my favorite movie of all time’s ending, 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Are you pumped for Metroid: Other M? No? Then you’re a douchebag. Sry! Team Ninja’s crack at Metroid looks like seven-thousand flavors of awesome. And if you’re wondering what awesome tastes like? Like your favorite sexpot covered in caffeine syrup. Or at least, that’s what it tastes like for me.

Hit the jump and check out the trailer. And be excited. B-e excited.

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Here we go. More super awesome talented people with a penchant for the dorky. Japanese beat boxer Hikakin takes the classic themes of Super Mario Bros. and drops them into a tub of beat boxing awesomeness. Hit the jump and get your hip-hip Mario groove on.

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Aiight, here’s the deal. Every Wednesday I’m going to pop off on something gaming related under the title of Pixelation. The idea being that any blog sort of barfs up and churns through bullshit. And hells to the yeah!, I’m going to continue doing that. A big part of OL is that I go fucking insane when I see something that excites me, and I love sharing it with my friends. Gaming news, movie trailers, comic books. Whatever. Blah, blah, blah. But it wouldn’t hurt to add some original content. If you call profanity-laden tirades or ejaculations about something in the gaming world original. It may be some sort of bullshit reflection, or keyboard warfare against something that excites me. I can promise you several things: it’ll be stream of consciousness, riddled with spelling errors and profanity, and probably not well thought out. You’ve been forewarned.

Nintendo has done the impossible this E3. They’ve made my cock hard. Like, seriously. Dripping like woah. For the longest time, my Wii has sat in my entertainment center, a kickbitch device that did nothing more than collect dust. Nintendo, sensing the fact that there were a lot of dickfarts like me who were totally okay with not waggling our Wiimotes at bowling games and shit, actually brought games to this E3.

No shit! GTFO! Rly? I was stunned. My Nintendo Wii is more or less my Miyamoto player. Or whoever is directing Super Mario Galaxy and the Zelda franchise at this point. Don’t be a dick, I know I’m uninformed. And too lazy to look that shit up. But since there’s only a Mario game every two years, and Zelda every god-knows-when, the thing sits around waiting to be stroked. At best, over the past couple of years, it’s been the source of near fist-fights between Pepsibones, myself and friends as we rock out to the Gamecube Mario Strikers.

I began losing my shit at the announcement of the new Zelda. I know every time Link takes to whipping Epona and trying to save Zelda’s dumb ass, again, what I’m going to be getting. The same formula plus some mechanics tweak that make the game fucking awesome. That’s a scientific fact. But fuck yeah, I could actually see a time when I would be playing my Wii again. Having just completed Super Mario Galaxy 2, I had laid my sweet Wii to rest. Good buy you little piece of cheap white plastic and gimmickery. I’ll love you. Always.

But Zelda? Ohhhhh shit.

Super fucking dope. But then Nintendo dug deep for their next jimmy tug.

They brought back Donkey Kong. Fucking Donkey Kong.

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