Even previous to this news. November to my wallet: fuck you. November to my school work: fuck you. November to my sanity: fuck you. The month in games was already too much, now it’s threatening to break me. I never thought I’d actually lament a much-anticipated game’s release date as being too close, but here it is.

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When it rains Nintendo Wii 2 rumors, it fucking pours. After yesterday’s news that the console is going to be revealed at or before E3, today we get a new crop of rumors. Most interesting is that the controller is going to up the ante in douchebag gimmicky nonsense.

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Firing off with the hotness! Multiple websites are blowing up today with the same rumor: the successor to Nintendo’s Wii will be revealed at or before E3. E-gads! Get it? Fuck me!

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I keep forgetting that Skyward Sword exists. Amidst all the gritty, HGH-fueled bullshittery that I’m currently anticipating, it lurks in the background. A new trailer from GDC 11 has dropped, and I’ve consequently remembered how excited I am for this installment. Nothing like a  magical romp through a familiar but modified universe to keep it nostalgic stylee. Despite all the Zelda games feeling somewhat derivative of one another, the gameplay is so finely honed, and the formula so delicious, I’ll happily slurp this shit up.

Hit the jump for the video.

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BORED AS FUCK WITH YOUR LONGTERM COMMITMENT? DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS WHO WANT YOUR WIFE OR HUSBAND’S HOLES? You’re in lucky, plucky naughty people. Nintendo’s Wii is getting a motherfuckin’ thinly veiled orgy igniter in the form of the game “We Dare.” As they say in the Southwest Airlines commercials, “Grab your boobs and cocks, it’s on!”

Let’s look a bit more in-depth as this Sure To Be Marriage Destroyer.

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I can’t tell if I think this is awesome, or horribly creepy. A little bit of both. I’ve been saying for a while now that church has gotten pretty fucking stale. If people want to bring some new souls to fucking salvation, they have to up their fucking game. Bishop Paul Ojeda has done just that. At the Austin Power House Church’s Wii Love Jesus event, he brought the righteous Nintendo thunder. Preaching in front of a backdrop replete with Super Mario imagery and Wiimotes, the zaniness doesn’t stop there. No sir. We also got “a guy running around dressed as Mario, kids doing trust falls and lots of fake Wii Remotes.”

Nothing says roping them in young and brainwashing them like using some classic kid-friendly imagery. Back in my day they just used closed doors, allures of candy, and the phrase “It’s going to tickle.”

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[Photo: Ripten.]

Billy Mitchell is the ultimate gaming villain. He’s got a sick ass mullet, a sick ass beard, sick ass hot sauce, and now an homage in recently released Donkey Kong Country Returns. Sure, he doesn’t have the world record anymore in the original Donkey Kong. But with props, a sick mullet, and the likes, who gives a fuck.

Probably him.

But still, his amazing USA tie can be found in the game. Got the game? Keep an eye out in the monkey ruins in World 3-2, and you can see a serious daps to the baddest motherfucker in the gamin’ world.

If only they could have worked in his mullet of glory.

Look at the stars and stripes on Billy’s tie, and look at the stars and stripes on the the monkey ruins in world 3-2 of Donkey Kong Country Returns.

So this is what Nintendo felt like they needed to trademark “It’s On Like Donkey Kong!” for? Outstanding. Yup. This is it. The best part about the advertisement is the next line. Where they urge everyone to hold onto our bananas. Well then! I’ll just grab my cock and get ready to play this shit!

It’s on!

Nintendo sure knows how to suck the fucking fun out of things: roll up and trademark a cultural phrase. “It’s On Like Donkey Kong!” has been a geek phrase for a while now. In case you didn’t miss it, you drop this phrase when shit is really about to pop off. Shit is getting serious! So Nintendo, like some confused parent trying to be cool, has decided to co-op the phrase. By filing a trademark for it. You fucking geeks. They want to use it to promote their forthcoming game, Donkey Kong Country Returns.

Guys, c’mon. First off, you don’t need that phrase to promote the game. It didn’t work as a phrase to promote Scott Pilgrim, did it? And secondly, did you really need to trademark it to use it in your campaign?

Whatever the case, they’ve taken back the phrase. Officially commodified it. Which, in case they don’t follow pop culture, makes it instantly thirty-thousand times less cool.

[Robert Leduc-Reasoner via Gamefreaks]