If the reports are true, the Wii U’s January sales were worse than any month in in either the Xbox 360 or PS3 lifespan. But! But! But! You can hold an enormous tablet! It serves as a second screen! Wee! Goddamn, I am glad that not many people are running out to gobble up this uninspired nonsense. Of course, I am glad while silently acknowledging that some Miyamoto magic will inevitably draw the system into my house.

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This can be filed under “sort of cool, but not worth buying.” Right up there in my life with the Fleshlight,  Snuggies, and an inspection sticker for my car. Nintendo is ripping out a Wii U remake of Wind Waker, probably because they have no fucking games, and no one cares about the system. It’s a semi-dope move, but it isn’t going to be enough to get me to buy the system. That’ll take a brand new Mario or Zelda title.

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Hey! What’s wrong with this world. People aren’t buying a gaming console with a tablet for a controller like Nintendo expected. It is almost like they can play a game on a tablet without having to buy a console. Gasp! Farting sounds. Whomp whomp.

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As the year draws to an end, we all get to reminisce about the gaming highs and lows throughout. Everybody is doing it: no-one escapes the end-of-year lists. They may have different names and irregular structures, but no-one is truly above this ceaseless list-making. Why do I care? Maybe it’s because all the real writers are so busy making their lists that they’ve forgotten to give me any news to regurgitate.

I’m delving deep and brushing off the gaming news artefacts. Then I’m gonna spruce them up for you: just like I was Dr. Alan Grant.

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Isn’t this a stunning batch of ninja excellence. Thieves have stolen 7,000 Wii U consoles from a warehouse in Seattle. I don’t know how you flip that many hot Wii Us, but I will save that figuring-outing for the people brash enough to run such a heist.

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I wouldn’t call this a surprise. Everyone and their drunken Uncle who pukes on his own balls at the Turkey Day dining room table knows that the Wii U is an (relatively) under-powered piece of shit. Now the same hacker who put together the first open-source driver for the Kinect has confirmed it by cracking the little piggy open. Rummaging through its guts.

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Hey man! The Nintendo Wii isn’t just a late entrance into the HD game. It isn’t just an extravagant joke of a controller. It can also be used to watch television. In a pretty rad twist of synergy, Nintendo lets you use their tablet-controller-thing to change the channels. For a cost! God knows they haven’t already sliced you for an excessive device already. Now you have to pay more to unlock all of its capabilities.

The fee isn’t a ridiculous sum, but the premise itself is absurd.

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Wii U is the “start of the next console generation” like the Dreamcast was the forerunner of the PS2 and Xbox. Sort of, but not really. That hasn’t stopped that Reggie Meme Generator boss guy of Nintendo from claiming the console features everything from “an overpriced tablet as a controller” to “the ability to not cure cancer.”

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Nintendo are keen on poking the bear this week. For the purposes of this metaphor I shall be playing the bear and the poking stick is represented by the recent glut of Wii U announcements. They’re poking me into a fevered state where I suddenly find myself compelled to pre-order a brand new console and then feel dirty about it afterwards. I have some genuine soul-searching to do.

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Want a second controller for your Wii U? Better smash that piggy bank open. Cull its innards. Dance the dance of death towards whatever Dark Master you believe in. ‘Cause that fucking thing is going to be like, mad bank. #JessePinkman

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