#May2013
WAY TO BE A DICK. GOOGLE ADDS NUTRITIONAL INFO to over 1,000 search results.
Google, you big giant fuck. There is no way I need handy reminders of just how fat I am being, okay? If I’m searching “triple cheese burger”, you don’t need to calculate the caloric content of said flesh-beast. And don’t give me that noise about the results only coming up if I search “how many calories are in a triple cheese burger”, because my search is only perfunctory.
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Cosplay: TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA STORMTROOPER. Eat it, Michael Bay.
Now this is a reimagining of the Ninja Turtles that I can get behind. Motherfuckers get busy thrashing Splinter, then they turn their sights onto infiltrating the Empire with the help of a whiny farm boy. Grab the princess, blow up the space station. Pizza for all.
‘THE WOLVERINE’ TRAILER #2: THE CLAWS-AND-EFFECT of Logan’s past actions.
Claws and effect? I’m on fire! No, literally. I have engulfed myself in flames after that pun. This post is being typed in a final, zen-like state as I suffer immolation.
DOMINOS MAKE DVDS THAT SMELL LIKE PIZZA. How is this not in the U.S.?
How is Brazil beating the United States at what is so obviously our own game? The fuckers have created a wunder-disc, that upon heating up ends up smelling like a pepperoni pizza. ‘Cause…you know. You don’t want anything more during your viewing of Argo than to begin smelling burning sausage-nips inside your machinery.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER in talks for ‘TOXIC AVENGER’ REMAKE. Career swoon ++
Arnie Schwarz is in talks for a major role in the Toxic Avenger remake, though it ain’t for the titular one. Bummer. Homeboy looks particularly monstrous and melty since his return to the big screen.I would have loved to see him parlay that into a role as the toxic freakshow.
FIRST LOOK: ELLEN PAGE in ‘X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST.’ Aiight.
Yeahokaymaybe I’m a little excited about the idea of Ellen Page being in the new X-Folk movie. I know it’s totally incongruent with my general vitriol towards the movie but I never signed up to be consistent.
‘ONLY GOD FORGIVES’ POSTER sadly does not feature Ryan Gosling’s abdominal muscles. How did this happen.
I’m sure we will be getting enough of both Ryan Gosling’s abdominal walls and his face throughout Only God Forgives to fill our quota for the year. Of course, if you haven’t been an errant asshole you’ve already begun filling that quota with Place Beyond The Pinewood Box Time or whatever. But maybe you’ve been bad. Anyways, check out this poster for the next Refn-Gosling blood bath.
NEXT XBOX being revealed May 21. PLUS more XBOX news than your knobs can handle!
Come one, come all into your one-stop for today’s collection of Nextbox rumors. Most significant is the seeming confirmation that we won’t be getting a reveal of Microsoft’s new money-maker until May. Son of a bitch. Previous rumors had pointed towards this month, but for whatever reason it shant come to pass. My guess on the delay? I propose that Steve Ballmer is still scraping the remains of that errant Microsoft creative director who trolled fans off the walls of Microsoft’s floating fortress. You ever see that guy go full Scanners on an employee? It’s terrifying.
DC’s NEXT CROSSOVER pits JUSTICE LEAGUE teams against one another. Snore?
Jesus titty-fucking a kangaroo, this is dumb. We’re not even a year removed from Avengers fighting X-Men fighting Tediousness, and we have DC doing their best imitation of the Event. Oh sure I’m sure there will be marginal differences, but come on. Come onnn. The only thing more played out than the ennui-inducing concept of a super team is having those teams that populate a company’s universe fighting one another.
Revealed: BEAST from ‘X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST.’ Snoresnoresnore.
Yeah, I don’t really care about what is becoming of Bryan Singer’s Fuck You You Don’t Reboot the X-Men, Until I Say So sequel to X-Men: Not Really the First Class. However, because I love you, I’m passing this along in case you do. You can repay me with nudies and a twelver of Diet Dew.
