#August2013
NASA abandons repair plans for KEPLER TELESCOPE. Goodnight, Sweet Prince.
After finding roughly three-fucking-zillion exoplanets, it appears that the Kepler telescope is no longer going to hunt for the little balls of hope out there in the cosmos. It was a good goddamn run. But it needs repairs to maintain its accuracy, and NASA says they probably wouldn’t take.
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Science: Orgasms are good for your memory, brain. F**K SUDOKU.
I’m going to run with this report, even though I doubt the accuracy. The amount of procrasturbating I did in graduate school alone enough should have me with an elephantine memory. Yet I can barely remember where the fuck I put the keys. Or why when I find them, they’re in the litter box. Always the litter box.
XBOX ONE ‘SEASON PASS GUARANTEES’ carries DLC ACROSS GENS. Dope ++
This is froggy fresh. One of the interesting things about this Fall is that titles are dropping across multiple generations. What if I buy Call of Duty: It’s A Doggy Dog Life on my 360, but then I snag an XBONE for Christmas? What will happen to all those wonderful maps I snagged? Microsoft? They’re actually doing me a fucking solid.
UBISOFT: ‘ASSASSIN’S CREED’ has an END IN MIND, ME: LOL, K.
Yeah, no way. Not buying this blathering from the Ubisoft Henchmen at all. They’re trying to convince me that Assassin’s Creed has an end to it. Mmmhmm. I’m willing to bet that end they envision has a very sinuous, unforgiving tie not to a story that they have in mind, but rather mad dollar bills that they are raking in. I’m sure Call of Duty and Madden have an end, too. So color me convinced that they don’t have some glorious end point in mind, but rather like the LOST writers will cobble something together in a manic, blood-soaked orgy of self-congratulation and panic at the last moment.
RUMOR: GOSLING, BROLIN up for BATMAN in ‘BATMAN VS SUPERMAN’ or whatever
Looks like 50% of the fucking Gangster Squad is becoming considered to don the cowl for Batman vs Superman vs Batman: The Dark Guy Strikes Things or whatever. And if they can’t get them, Warner Bros is only considering like 3,000 other people.
HUMAN TOOTH grown using STEM CELLS taken from PEE. Discuss.
Yeahhh, boi! Getting some fucking teeth grown. Which is very, very good for me. I can literally feel my teeth rotting out of my head. Stem cells from pee? Stem cells from anything, just get me new chompers.
LUCASFILM: ABRAMS AIN’T LEAVING ‘EPISODE VII.’ FARACI shrugs, PAGE VIEWS INTACT.
I probably shouldn’t criticize Devin Faraci for drudging up nonsense rumors, when I covered those same rumors. Whatever. I get three page views a day, and make no money. Faraci gets paid, and seems to generally giggle while stoking the flames of geeks across the internet. Wielding the hammer of God (or Thor, their parent company owns him), Lucasfilm has smote the rumors that Abrams is leaving Episode VII.
FINAL ‘PACIFIC RIM’ TRAILER: WHAT COULD GO WRONG WITH SYNCHRONIZED FIGHTING?
I’m really, really excited for Pacific Rim. And yet! You knew there was an “and yet!” coming, didn’t you? And yet, one of the few complaints I have with it is the contrived “two minds melding into one” trope. I mean, can’t we already see that moment in the movie coming where the two pilots – gasp – desynchronized have a falling out/one dies and the other has to fight by themselves? It reeks of forced conflict. You know, like that episode of EVA where Asuka and Shinji have to totally dance to the beat together. So yeah. I mean, like I said. I’m amped for this movie. I just cringe at this plot point.
CORPULENCE GET! TWINKIES are returning JULY 15.
Prepare to up the chemical-ante, folks. Twinkies are returning out of the bankruptcy abyss, planning on turning your blood stream into a sugar-and-chemistry set nightmare. I only wish they could have returned prior to July 4. I would have been a good America. You know. Grilled hot dogs and used the Twinkies as the bun.
‘STAR WARS: EPISODE VII’ Rumor: Story stars UNCLE LUKE, AND JEDI KIDS.
I don’t particularly buy this rumor, but I really dig anything Star Wars related. So I’ll indulge it. If the latest batch of boiling nonsense is to be believed, Episode VII is going to be starring Uncle Luke and his Force-sensitive niece and nephew.
