#April2013
RUSSIAN BEARS are addicted to HUFFING JET FUEL. It just got real.
I can’t blame Russian bears for resorting to huffing jet fuel. It isn’t spoken of much, but historians agree that they took the dissolution of the USSR the worst. Not only did they agree with Marx-Engels ideals of Communism, but they also trudged on fighting in favor of the its contorted interpretation by the Russian Nationalists despite their reservations.
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Monday Morning Commute: DRINK DEEP THE ENNUI.
Remember how last week I was all excited for life? This week is the glorious inversion of such a feeling. A viscous ladling of ennui is rattling around my belly, daring me to frown. There isn’t so much a reason for me to be sad, rather I’m just like “oh hey, I exist.” Eh, what can you do. Some weeks are more thrilling than others. So I turn to you, dare readers, in this newest of Monday Morning Commutes. Tell me what you’re enjoying this week. Inspire me. I beseech thee. And thee. And thee.
Hit the jump for my tepid chocies for the next seven days.
ROBERT REDFORD could be joining ‘CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER.’ Well, then!
Robert Redford is in talks to join Cap America: The Bucky Bromance Lives. I think we all totally saw this one coming, right? Get it? ‘Cause there was probably no chance anyone would have anticipated this. Ah whatever, I’m a fucking idiot. Hit the jump for the story.
Monday Morning Commute: Hark, the Lady Spring Sings
Mother Nature must be feeling guilty for those of us in New England. Friday morning I awoke to an onslaught of the Slushy Shit. It was draped across my car, down my driveway, coating the streets. What had been proposed as four inches of snow had turned into two feet of nightmare whilst I slept. Perhaps feeling a smidgen bit cruel for this deceit, Ole Lady Nature has turned the last two days into full blown Spring. You know you’ve been double-fisted by the Winter when forty-degree days are a salve on your soul. A balm on the chapped balls that weather has wrought. I’ll take it, and mix it together with some Daylight Savings Time. Despite the bullshit that is yanking an hour of weekend slumber out from underneath our feet, the bonus sunlight at the end of the day is bueno. As someone who is known to eat chapped stick in single bites while screaming at passersby when my sadness overwhelms me, any extra rays are salvation. They burn away the delirium that the Darkness brings.
Enough about me. How the fuck are you gals, guys, and every other combination? This is Monday Morning Commute, the column where you and I share the various happy happenings in our lives on a given week. The ointments that help soothe the irritation of the grind.
Let’s do this.
Cosplay: DHALSIM got that stretchy blue swagger. Or not. Maybe not.
Here is some Dhalsim upside your head. Usually I correlate the character with an endless onslaught of fiery ass-whupping being laid on my ass by a friend. Now? Now I can sit back and not want to eat a controller just to spit the broken shards into a childhood friend’s soul.
Monday Morning Commute: Non-Consensual Rear End Collision
What’s good in the hood, folks? Been a hell of week! Hell of a fucking week. I suffered a butt-drubbing last week at the hands of a son a bitch in a FedEx truck. The little Japanese Car that Could, which had shuttled me to work and back for many a year, Now Simply Can’t. Smash-pow! Don’t ever stop for pedestrians. That is the lesson learned. Crazy Taxi those motherfuckers. Grand Theft Auto right through their right of way. No, I’m just kidding. Don’t do that. Unless you’re fleeing from laser-cocked zombies, who want to nourish their hunger on your balls. Or labia. Laballs. Where was I? I blame the concussion. Oh yeah! This is Monday Morning Commute. The column where we share the various arts, farts, sexual proclivities (still waiting for someone to break that ice), and other general things you’re enjoying on a given week.
Let’s party, gals and guys.
Spielberg developing STANLEY KUBRICK’S NAPOLEON as a TV miniseries. Uh. Okay.
Apparently Stanley Kubrick’s dream project was one centered around Napoleon. Displaying my ignorance, I will cop to having had no goddamn idea about this. Well, Uncle Steve knew about this project. And armed with this knowledge, the Gracious Alien (c’mon, we all know he is an alien) has taken about developing the project.
Marvel promising another HUGE EVENT THING with ‘MARVEL #1’ teaser. Yawn.
Oh shit! Be prepared. It is almost Spring, which means that it is almost time for Marvel to launch their year OMFG no seriously this is serious Spring into Summer Mega Event. Steel yourself, as the Status Quo quivers under the notion that the Status Quo is actually Shaking Up the State Quo. (Wait, what?)
Bryan Singer reveals PROFESSOR X’S chairs from ‘DAYS OF FUTURE PAST.’ This is news!
Bryan Singer, sensing that I officially don’t give a fuck about his dumb X-Men: First Class: You Thought It Was a Reboot, Fuck You sequel, has dropped the new chairs that Charlie X will be bombing around in during Days of Future Past. Do you care? Does this titillate you? Not me.
‘PLAYSTATION 4’ being announced on February 20, motion-sensored arousal.
Is sensored a word? It is now! IDGAF. Oh boy. So yeah. Sony is announcing PlayStation 4 Wunder Pow! on February 20, which means I need to start rubbing dimes together. Here is hoping the Powers that Be at the company don’t drop another, “we want our customers to love our products so much they being selling seed and egg to afford us” on the crowd.
