I don’t really know what’s going on in this trailer for Metal Gear: The Phantom Zeroes’ Liquid Hour. I haven’t really thought about Metal Gear Solid since finishing that interactive movie back in 2008 with the “4” in its title. But I’m digging this trailer. I just…don’t know who anyone is, or what anything means. Like. Steve Snake is rubbing the Ashes Of His Fallen Friends. I think? It’s 20XX? Something? Eh, I’m sure I’ll figure it out later.

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Obviously the fact that some shitty Twilight fanfic was published and became a surprise bestseller means I should polish up all the fanfiction I wrote in high school and make bank.

I’m sure you can guess my feelings on the Twilight franchise; they’re right up there with my feelings on the MPAA. But they don’t come close  to my feelings on this piece of shit story (“50 Shades of Grey”) with its atrocious writing. No, seriously, that is an actual excerpt. And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, Universal and Focus Features bought the film rights.

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I picked up Final Fantasy XIII last night at midnight, and I figure I’d fire off my initial impressions. There’s a lot to get into, but the most resounding thing so far is that the story is retarded. Now, I’m only in the first chapter, and I’d like to emphasize it could and probably will get better.

But so far, I don’t think I’ve ever been this apathetic towards the characters in the beginning of a Final Fantasy before.

Everything is overwrought and ridiculous. Everyone is crying and making epic proclamations and acting like emo kids. The problem is that I’m not invested in these characters yet, and so when they cry and the dramatic music swells, I just roll my eyes. I’m all for in medias res, but so far the narrative is fractured between three different strands, and all of them are vague and insubstantial. Terms are getting thrown around, everyone is chasing down a loved one, and I’m standing in the middle of the room yelling WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

I expect the storyline to get better, but I think I would be caring more if they didn’t throw me into some overblown confrontation while never bothering to get me invested in the characters, or the complicated mechanics of the game’s world. If I don’t know the characters, and I have to dive into a glossary every four seconds just to decipher the ridiculous names for everything, I’m going to be more confused than empathetic.

This week’s 24 answered the question: how do you pass yourself off as a German who wants to buy nuclear materials? You wear a pair of four-dollar glasses from the local Big Party and you smoke a cigarette. Seriously, what the fuck is going on with this show? It’s a clusterfuck of awful storylines and non-action. There should be a drinking game where you have a shot every time a line of dialogue makes you laugh, and two shots every time you’re bored to the point of yawning. You’d be covered in your own bile and dead by the midway point.

Renee doesn’t get killed despite the fact that she’s cutting herself and begging for death. Instead, she’s brought to some dungeon where Vlad the Impaler is stationed. Vlad asks Jack for fifty-zillion dollars in exchange for information, which I thought was a shocking fuckload. But what was even more amazing, was how he was instantly able to get the money for Vlad.

Then, inexplicably, Renee is coming out of a shower in the dungeon. Let me ask you something: WHY THE FUCK WAS SHE SHOWERING?! There’s absolutely no reason for her to have been showering, other than to set up the scene where Leoben from Battlestar Galactica demands that she gives it up to her. They wrote in a scene where she’s coming out of a shower, just to give us a scene where she can be molested. That’s dedication towards being molested.

It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. But that’s a running theme this episode.

But that’s okay, because we’re also treated to Dana Walsh’s storyline. Which no one gives a fuck about! If you thought her yokel ex-con ex-boyfriend (say that three times fast) asking her for a “Six-figure payout” was awkward and hilarious, the high-five between him and his b-boy when she has a deal for them was even more amazing. Nothing on this show makes any sense. Why doesn’t she just tell her ex to go fuck himself? Instead she’s going to settle for participating in a robbery.

I’m impressed at how quickly she can find a con for them to pull off. It only took her ten minutes in the middle of an international crisis or some shit.

Also doesn’t make sense? Her ex-boyfriend’s gang member bringing a shotgun to the warehouse where the money is stored. Dana specifically mentions that there will be no one there and they won’t be noticed. This is as remarkable as the purposeless shower scene, because it also makes no sense is only written into the episode to create tension further down the road.

Meanwhile, Jack is absolutely no where to be found. This is still his show, right? Because he’s never on it. It’s like those seasons of X-Files without Duchovny or Anderson. What the fuck is going on?! Where is he?!

That’s okay though, because we’re treated to enjoying the shitty Russian Mafia Dad’s storyline with his kids. Which, like the rest of the episode, makes no sense whatsoever. The Russian Mafia Dad orders his two sons to be retrieved from some cancer clinic place, where one of the kids was being saved from his poisonous uranium exposure. How, you ask?

Simple! Well, at first the treatment was going to have to be a complete bone marrow transplant. But then, somehow, the doctor realizes that there was just some pill he could take that would fix him in seven to ten days. He goes from dying, to needing a bone marrow transplant, to taking some sort of pill.

What the fuck?

Then the Russian Mafia Dad brings them back to their Russian bar or whatever it is, and yells at Sark from Alias because he was trying to save his brother’s life. “Don’t you think I care about him?!” And then he shoots his son! The one he cares about! Uh, what? First he gives no good reason for bringing them back from the Cancer Clinic, other than it jeopardized the mission or something. But he was cool with killing everyone in the clinic.

Please, someone save me.

Then he pimp slaps his son, and embraces him. This dude is loco.

Finally Jack makes the deal with the Russian Rapist Guy, and of course they try and double-cross him. The guy from She’s All That saves Jack’s ass by sniping the show’s equivalent of Stormtroopers, and Jack says a few cool lines. All of it returning me to my initial point which is: PUT JACK ON THE FUCKING SHOW.

24 is awful and hilarious when Jack’s on the screen, but it is enjoyable. I’ll take implausible action scenes, action movie dialogue, and Jack being a thug. It works, it’s awesome. It’s slop, but it is entertaining. When he is on the screen, I’m entertained. Why he’s only on four minutes of an hour of his show is beyond me, but it is driving me towards Hulkian-rage.