Righteous Dutch info-wizards Spijkermat came up with this infographic for Call of Duty: Black Ops. Some of the stats that occur in this virtual game daily are absolutely ludicrous. Thar be a lot of killing going on. Every 24 hours, more than 300,000,000 lives are taken. That’s more than the population of the United States.

Hit the jump for the entire graphic.

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Over at Dorkly, they have some riveting letters from the “frontline” of Call of Duty. They are a testament to the world of Call of Duty. Wrought with douchebags jumping up and down (me), blinding themselves with grenades (me) and ultimately repsawning only to get knifed in the back while still too busy swearing (me).

Hit Dorkly for the rest of the epistles.

Via.

Arrrgh! It’s time to reveal the most pirated game of the year: Call of Duty: Black Ops!

Kotaku:

According to a report from BitTorrent news site TorrentFreak, the PC version of Black Ops has been pirated an impressive 4.2 million times. The newest Call of Duty bested Battlefield: Bad Company 2 (3.96 million downloads), Mafia II and Mass Effect 2 to take home the most-stolen crown.

Thieves who own an Xbox 360 did their share in Black Ops stealing, downloading that console version 930,000 times, according to TorrentFreak’s numbers. Dante’s Inferno wound up being the most downloaded Xbox 360 game, with Super Mario Galaxy 2 sitting atop the most pirated list on for Wii owners. Congratulations all around!

It makes sense. Like, you know? The best selling game of the year is also the most pirated. Logic. It does things.

Not that I ever doubted the Call of Duty juggernaut, but I’m still fucking impressed. Today, Activision announced that Black Ops has surpassed one-billion dollars in worldwide sales. Jesus Lord. That’s a lot of motherfuckers playing, which is why it makes sense that   to this date “more than 600 million hours have been logged.”

Shit is selling at an impressive clip, outpacing last year’s Modern Warfare 2. This is undoubtedly awesome news to Treyarch fanboy and fangirl assholes, who will assuredly be parlaying this information into forthcoming message board arguments.

Activision Devil Guru Bobby Kotick was absolutely stroking his cock in virgin blood when he commented:

“In all of entertainment, only Call of Duty and “Avatar” have ever achieved the billion dollar revenue milestone this quickly. This is a tribute to the global appeal of the  Call of Duty franchise, the exceptional talent at Treyarch and the hundreds of extraordinary people across our many Call of Duty studios including Infinity Ward and Sledgehammer that work tirelessly on the franchise.  Our ability to provide the most compelling, immersive  entertainment experience, and enhance it with regular, recurring content that delivers hundreds of hours of audience value, has allowed Call of Duty to continue to set sales and usage records.”

Can’t stop. Won’t stop. Call of Duty don’t quit!

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Who can say no to this shit? For starters, you get to wait on a dude hand and foot. Plus, you get free ass beer. And!, I bet he doesn’t realize you could totally gank those beer cans and turn them in for nickles. This shit probably isn’t legit, which is a shame, because I have a winter break coming up.

I finally beat Call of Duty: Black Ops last night. Took a fucking week! Goddamn, I need my elite gaming status revoked. You say I haven’t had in a while? I say your Momma’s tits sag but I’ll suck em anyways! Oh lord! Father forgive me for my brash delivery. I enjoyed the fuck out of the game.

I dug the single player, the story, the presentation, everything. They hooked me in with the gimmicky as fuck numbers bullshit. I mean, yeah dude, I saw LOST. I loved the numbers back then too. Interrogation, floating numbers! Flashing, hypnotic surreal cut scenes? It was all so predictable, but it worked. Listen, Call of Duty isn’t looking to reinvent the wheel. I always think of these games (well, MW, MW2, and this) as six-hour Jack Bauer-esque experiences.   If you’re looking for depth, go jump into an Olympic swimming pool! And drown! Ha, the Pepsi Max, it speaks to me in riddles involving penises, and vaginas, and talking grizzly bears.

Anyways.

But yeah. Fight Club twist? Generic, predictable, still okay. A riff on the typical brainwashing the US agent to do someone else’s bidding? Generic, predictable, but still okay. It was executed well enough to keep me satisfied. I mean, I love Fight Club. I love Ed Brubaker’s Winter Soldier storyline in Captain America. I’m break dancing gleefully to all of these tropes already. Why not keep spinning to the beat you already enjoy?

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Oh shit! The Call of Duty: Black Ops opening day crushes everything! A face full of steel to Avatar! A molotov cocktail upside the dumb face of Master Chief and his squadron of Spartans. Black Ops had the biggest opening day ever in entertainment history. That’s right, beating even the illustrious Modern Warfare 2.

How big is the biggest opening day ever in entertainment history? How about 5.6 million copies in the United States and United Kingdom.

Jesus good Lord god damn Christ.

Kotaku:

Activision executive Thomas Tippl told an audience of investors in New York that Black Ops has sold $360 million worth of copies in its first 24 hours of release in North America and the U.K. this week, compared to $310 million in the first day of release for Modern Warfare 2 a year ago. Modern Warfare 2 sold a mere 4.7 million copies.

While not an indication of quality by any means, I’m interested in the fact that Black Ops outsold Modern Warfare 2. The developers of MW2, Infinity Ward, and the boys behind Black Ops, Treyarch have never been the best of buddies. And there are considerable divisions between fanboys and fangirls of the two development houses. Douches who swear by World at War while using any opportunity to deride Modern Warfare 2. Then there’s the MW2 dildos, who will shit on anything tied to Treyarch, and their installments.

What is confirmed is my belief that despite their griping from either side of this divide, Call of Duty fans are dirty whores for the franchise. Despite what they may claim, they’ll buy anything. They bought Modern Warfare 2, and then despite Black Ops being developed by measly Treyarch, they bought this son of a bitch in droves as well.

Me? I look to shoot people in the face. In modern times, and in the Cold War. I’m going to be open with you goons, if it’s got Call of Duty on the front, I’m going to be interested enough to buy it. I am the self-admitted sucker.

I stand motherfuckin’ corrected. I used to think that unboxing videos were the lamest fucking thing ever. A silent dork, in a dark room, one hand on his cock, the other on a shaky camera. Naw son, they aren’t all worthless. Why? ‘Cause Ice-T’s unboxing of Call of Duty: Black Ops is the most amazing thing I’ve seen in a while. It’s four minutes of motherfuckin’ hilarity, with some of the most classic lives in a while. Watch as Ice-T yells that he’s going to cum as the stage loads. Watch as he tells everyone to suck his ass.

I’m not lying when I say that I think Ice-T is the fucking man. I’ll reiterate the reasons: dope ass gamer, wife with a rump that fucking slays, and he holds down a role on a fucking Law and Order show. He’s a hero of mine, and goddamn I want to hang out with him.

Hit the jump to check out the only fucking Call of Duty: Black Ops video you’ll ever need to see. Promise. Pinky Swear.

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I’ve only played the Infinity Ward Call of Duty titles. I am by no means an aficionado or expert when it comes to the series. But when I heard that Black Ops was going to take place in the Cold War, I immediately was aroused to a point of comfortable non-comfort.

And now? Today Treyarch dropped the first multiplayer footage from the game, and I am fapping and screaming. I don’t know if it has been a fixture of previous games in the series, but the video shows dudes getting mowed down with a fucking crossbow.

Good god damn, I’m sold.

Hit the jump to check out the video for yourself.

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I’ve never been insane for the Call of Duty franchise. I enjoyed the two Modern Warfares, but that’s about it. So even though I knew that another game was coming this year, I didn’t care. It wasn’t Modern Warfare, and it wasn’t Infinity Ward. Well, fuck me, I seem to be stoked anyways.

It’s the fucking Cold War! Black Ops! Espionage! Oh shiz! Totally super-ballin’. Alright, I’m excited. Check out the video and fap with me.