So like. Jupiter Ascending. It can’t be conventionally good, can it? (Whatever the fuck that means.) But something tells me that the goddamn insane hodgepodge of science-fiction visuals, Wachowskian action, and Channing Tatum with a tail is going to sell me on this movie. Somehow. Somehow!

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You know what movies come out in February? Typically? Cast-off movies. Fallen movies. Movies that the companies have no confidence in, wish to bury, silently hope to ignore until oblivion. And given everything I’ve seen out from Jupiter Ascending, I cannot say I’m surprised it has been banished into The February Wasteland.

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I don’t even know what the fuck to think about Jupiter Ascending. Like…every time I see new promotional materials for the movie  my only thought is “how the fuck did this get made?” It looks equal parts expensive, absurd, intriguing, horrible, terrifying, confusingly erotic, and entertaining. I desperately want it either to be a) good, or b) so bad I can laugh while enjoying the visuals.

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The Wachowskis have spent the fifteen years since The Matrix generally sucking ass with some marginal gems (Speed Racer is fucking rad) in-between. With their latest disaster failure pile coming in the form of Jupiter Ascending (though truthfully I’m stoked for it) what are they to do? Go back to the Easy Idea.

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C’mon, Wachowskis. Don’t do this to me. Don’t get me fucking excited for another one of your movies. ‘Cause after watching the trailer for Jupiter Ascending, I’m fucking interested. Intrigued. Sprung at the science-fiction visuals you’re hanging on me.

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Woe be to the guy or gal who has to reboot Batman after Christ Nolan just rocked it out of the park for the past seven years. The latest rumor is that the rebooted Batman won’t make an appearance in his own flick until after the Justice League movie.

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Ben Affleck isn’t doing the Justice League movie. He shot down those rumors, informing everyone that it was “way too hahd” before putting on his Red Sox hat and driving to Fenway Pahk. (I can make these jokes, I’m a Bostonian. No, I don’t care that they’re not funny.) Now Warner Bros. is casting their eyes at the Wachowskis and batting them innocently.

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Goddamn, this trailer for Cloud Atlas stinks like hog ass. It has some gorgeous visuals, I’ll cop to that. The rest of it is a nightmare of awful dialogue, pedantic murmurings on love, and a pretty boring score. I’ll still see the joint. It’s got too much buzz around it not to dabble in its seeming bloat.

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I’m probably alone on this, but I fucking miss The Wachowskis. Sure, the Matrix sequels were heartbreaking, but they essentially made V for Vendetta, and I thought Speed Racer was fucked-up, absurd madness. A  sugary mindfuck that seems like a progenitor to Scott Pilgrim.

So I’m pretty stoked at the news that they’ll be teaming up with Tom Hanks for ‘Cloud Atlas.’

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