Oh golly glory fucking shit-tits. Jar Jar Abrams is apparently kicking off Star Wars Celebration this April in a “big way.” Which means to this uneducated slob that the jealousy-inspiring fools in attendance are going to get some fucking Force Awakens trailer hotness.

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YEAH BOIII! Straight to the dome with the WHITE NOISE OF STAR WARS NON-NEWS. Did you miss Rotting Flesh Monster Faced Mark Hamill in that first Force Awakens trailer? Or Princess Leia? Or Han Solo? Well, temper your tits. They’re coming this May.

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LISTEN. At least I ain’t like one of them-there Movie Sites making money off of non-news, trying to dress my post up as anything other than me frantically tugging my fanboy force-phallus. Okay? Three actors from The Raid are in The Force Awakens and no one knows what the fuck they’re doing in the movie. Some speculate they are choreographing an action sequence. CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE?

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The Marketing Gurus at Disney-Star-Wars corp have dropped an initial slurry of Episode VII character names on our asses. And they’ve done it in a bit of a genius way. The names are revealed on old “trading cards” the company provided to Entertainment Weekly. Take the names for what they are. Both Boyega and Riddle’s character cards don’t feature last names. So there’s something Abrams afoot. (If her last name isn’t Organa or Solo I’ll eat my fucking shoe.) Anyways.

Dope!

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Laurie Greasley rules. This artwork rules.

Oh boy! This podcast is either going to be the sort of pornographic geekery (not literally, but like, getting your dork glands swelling) you’re looking for, or an unbearable fusillade of Star Wars Dickhead Loser Hype. Either way, we hope you check this installment out. This is our best sounding podcast yet, buffeted by $500 in new audio equipment. Aside from the obvious fluids-spilling meditations on The Force Awakens, this podcast features Rendar’s Venture Start-Up, Caff dropping deuces on Interstellar, Bateman’s butt, and another mutual circle jerk over Michael Keaton’s saggy tits in Birdman. Join us. Become us. Leave your thoughts in the comments.

Listen on iTunes or after the jump.

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FUCK. It’s the weekend, yo. Long weekend at that. Black Friday. Force Awakens day. So the goddamn bar is opening early. We’re keeping the mead flowing all fucking weekend, and I want you sexy bastards gathering around the Open Bar.

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Rendar, Bateman, Riff and I trudged out in the cold and snow this morning. Spent $7. Sat through a litany of trailers. And finally got to watch the eighty-eight second Force Awakens teaser. Promptly left the fucking theater. It was probably the highlight of my year. Old school aesthetics, the fucking Falcon, fucking John Boyega, a fucking Sith, fucking FUCK. Yes. Fuck. Fuck.

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This Friday, Disney is cloaking the goddamn fucking Earth in Star Wars. Much like how The Force cloaks, binds, and nuzzles up against the Universe. Not only are they rolling out the Force Awakens trailer in a goddamn fuck ton of theaters, they’re also posting the piggie online.

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Oscar Isaac is going BIG TIME, BRO. Not only is he in the upcoming Wars of Stars Flick, but apparently he’s going to be kicking muties’ asses in the next X-Men installment.

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