An alien-themed brothel has bought a sex robot, friends. Not only that, but it’s pairing it with teledildonics (that’s a real word), so that one may have a remote-experience with the sex robot. Hey, man. The Earth is on fire and Democracy is dead, but we can fart on robots now in order to get off. From across the globe. Progress?

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There’s an adult VR festival coming to Japan. It’s looking to pair up, uh, pioneers in the world of VR. You know, getting the great and most enterprising minds in teledildonics, virtual reality, and sundry other facets together. Not just to wank with their headsets on, in unison, mind you. Though I must confess I hope that happens. But also to innovate! To brainstorm!

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I am not a smart man. So I didn’t really know if anyone else was stupefied by how Oculus and other VR Overlords were going to go about controlling their virtual realms. As a champion of teledildonics and shit, I was picturing some sort of fetishistic, haptic-feedback body suit. But I suppose motion controllers are cool too. (I guess.)

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Oculus continues to cobble together huge sums of money in order to fund their Oculus Rift gadget. That’s a serious amount of cash for a serious gadget that is giving serious dorks serious priapisms.

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This is the first installment of Welcome to the Future. It’s often that I think to myself that the future has arrived, and people don’t appreciate it. We’re waiting for an unattainable horizon, while magic happens around us. It’s a concept that was really slammed into my head by Warren Ellis’ comic book Doktor Sleepless. I’m going to use the category Welcome to the Future to showcase amazing shit that is happening before our eyes without being appreciated.

So it seems obvious where I’d start, huh? Fucking and magical iPod sex devices. To catch you guys up to speed with my demented mind, let me quickly define Teledildonics for you:

Via Wiki:

Teledildonics (also known as “cyberdildonics”) are electronic sex toys that can be controlled by a computer.[1] Promoters of these devices have claimed since the 1980s they are the “next big thing” in cybersex technology.[2] “Teledildonics” can also refer to the integration of telepresence with sex that these toys make possible – the term was coined in 1975 by Ted Nelson[3] in his Computer Lib/Dream Machine

There, now you’re with me. There’s some amazing teledildonics. There’s the RealTouch, which seems fucking amazing. It’s a vagina (or anus, no seriously for rockin’ gay porn or dudes who enjoy anal) that is connected to your computer via your USB port. Then the vagina/anus interacts with special porns that you watch via the RealTouch website. It’s god damn stupendous. I can’t imagine even the biggest prude not being amazed by this.

And then there’s the inspiration behind this column. A couple of nights ago I was rocking some pre-bed porn. And the specific scene I was watching featured the OhMiBod. It’s a vibrator whose vibrations are determined by the music being output by an iPod. So in essence, you plug the OhMiBod into your iPod, while rocking some headphones. And then women or men who enjoy anal play get off to the various vibrations output by their favorite George Clinton or Napalm Death songs. Depending on the sort of music you enjoy, of course.

You plug the headphones into the iPod, the iPod into your OhMiBod, and then the OhMiBod into your orifice of choice. Brilliant.

Welcome to the Future.