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All you have to do is hit the search button on OL to know the raging dick-crush I have for Chris Samnee’s artwork. This current find isn’t doing anything to reduce the purple-headed beast in my pants. Chris Samnee decided to take on the Superman movie in six panels. Why?

Chris Samnee explains over at Comic Twart.

A while back someone on Twitter (so sorry I don’t remember who) was talking about doing a movie as a six panel comic. When I heard the idea, I knew I wanted to do one for my favorite movie, Superman: The Movie. I never got around to it, but figured that Mitch’s pick of Superman this (last) week could be a great time to give it a go! Hope you enjoy!

It’s awesome. But to be clear, almost anything Samnee does is fantastic.

Visual designer Steve Johnson dropped these Superman designs on his Facebook claiming they were from a Bryan Singer Superman movie that never came to be, or a sequel that never materialized. But over at Comics Alliance, they postulate that these sons a bitches were from a J.J. Abrams movie that never got underway, since they bare the title “Flyby” which apparently he was working under.

I like me some J.J. Abrams. Even more than that, I dislike me some Superman Returns by Bryan Singer. Oh, if only Abrams got a shot. Or maybe the script sucked, I never saw it.

I don’t know. All I do know is that these costumes are way better than the low-riding ass clown outfit Singer had Routh wear. And they’re a zillion times better than the Tim Burton conjured abortions for his flick that never came about.

Hit the jump for the designs.

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There’s something pretty about the simplicity of Francesco Francavilla’s Superman over at Comic Twart. Not surprising, since Francavilla’s art is, in general, very easy on the eyes.

Oh good lord, what the fuck is this bullshit. I thought I could comfortably throw my weight behind Zack Snyder to deliver a lighthearted, flashy Superman. Then I wake up today and everything doesn’t make sense and I found out he’s leaning towards making a 100% CGI Superman? What? What the fuck? Someone cockslap me, I want to wake up.

io9:

Movienewz is reporting that director Snyder, “has plans to rely heavily on CGI for the Man of Steel.” Which we can only imagine would mean Goode in the flesh for all of the Clark Kent shots, and some sort of Green Lantern-meets-Avatar CG nonsense when he’s kicking butt as the Man Of Steel.

Oh Jesus. Why would you do this? Aren’t we all burned out on Avatar-esque bullshit? Even assholes like me (listen, I fucking hate myself) who were totally wowie-kazowied over Avatar initially? Stop, don’t tell me anything else.

IGN:

We at IGN have been hearing talk of a CG-enhanced Superman as well. In fact, our sources claim that Snyder stopped by to meet with the effects folks behind Avatar recently to check out their techniques, which kind of/sort of suggests that he’s interested in Avatar-izing his Man of Steel.

I’m about to barf up the sixteen cans of Diet Mountain Dew I’ve pounded today. Maybe this shouldn’t surprise me. All of Snyder’s movies have relied on deep, thick, chunky amounts of CGI. Even Sucker Punch, which I’m sweating, is a computer generated wank fest. But to go 100% CGI for a Superman? Barf. Barfalicious. Fuck you, Frat Boy Rock. Haven’t you seen how assy the Green Lantern suit looks?

God dammit.

This is a moment of zen for myself. A moment of clarity that I really need to clench down on.   I need to recall that no matter how mediocre and blah Superman Returns was, Singer’s meh-core movie never, ever came near the stunning shitstorm that Tim Burton’s rendition of Clark Kent would have been. Like, seriously. Just consider these pictures of the emo kid abortion suit that he would have suited Superman up in.

Fuck Tim Burton. I hope we’re all approaching a moment when he can agree, unequivocally that he sucks. Maybe we’ll never agree on whether he’s always sucked. Some people think so, but I actually enjoyed a lot of his flicks. But after his last few movies, it’s obvious: the dude isn’t even trying anymore. Throw Johnny Depp acting like a complete zany douche, mix with a generic Elfman soundtrack, and a dash of his annoying partner Helena Bonham Carter, and you’ve got a zillion dollar movie and a Hot Topic line of clothing for all the misunderstood kids to enjoy.

Fuck Tim Burton. Hit the jump to see his Superman costume that can also go fuck itself.

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When it was reported that Darren Aronofsky was in talks to helm Superman, Natalie Portman was getting thrown around as a potential Lois Lane. Well, when Zack SLOW MOTION TITTY FUCK Snyder took the helm, I dismissed those reports. Well, apparently all is not lost as far as those rumors.

io9:

Although she’ll stay on as producer, both Natalie Portman and director David O. Russell have both left Pride Prejudice & Zombies due to scheduling conflicts. Thus escalating the rumors that Portman will be Lois Lane in Zack Snyder’s Superman.

Well then! Cool enough. I really like Portman, so much so that I forgive her for participating in the Holocaust of my Childhood. While I don’t exactly see Lois Lane when I look at her, I also consider two things. First, I have no idea what constitutes “looking like Lois Lane” anymore, but I know that Kate Bosworth wasn’t particularly it. And secondly, she’s a great actress, and whatever inexplicable visceral reaction I have can be dissuaded through her performance.

The Brothers Omega are well documented in what could easily be described as their soul-crushing response to Zack Snyder’s Watchmen. To us (maybe not to you, and if not, we’re happy for you), it was the cinematic equivalent of watching our Mom getting butt-dinged by a large walrus tweaking out on viagra and cocaine. The therapy bills are enormous.

So now that the same Master of Non-Subtlety, Snyder, is taking over Superman, how the fuck do I feel?

I’m not really sure.

Actually, scratch that, I am sure. It’s my response that is confusing even me. I’m sort of optimistic. How the fuck did this happen? Not really sure. A few reasons. First off, prior to Watchmen, I dug on Snyder. Both Dawn of the Dead and 300 were favorites of mine. Undead, super homoerotic favorites, but enjoyable nonetheless. As well, the trailer for Sucker Punch had me in fanboy ecstasy. It isn’t that the dude doesn’t provide chops for me to wank on.

My problem with him is his mastery of the over-the-top insane-o bullshit. Which I love, provided the circumstances provide for it. His soft-touch is a spike-laden hammer. How will that fit into Superman? I’m not sure. I sure didn’t think it fit into Watchmen. So here I am, after the dude smashes into mush (again, in my eyes, if you liked it, I’m glad you’re happy) one of my favorite graphic novels of all time, and I’m actually cool with his annointment?

Weird. Life is weird.

If Christopher Nolan thinks he fits the script provided by Goyer, I’m going to float him my confidence. I’ve always been a dummy when it comes to giving people my heart. I’m am pretty much a retarded puppy, capable of getting kicked repeatedly by those I love (Looking at you, Lucas), and continually expecting the next extension of the hand to be a gentle testicle rub. So here you go Snyder, I’ll be optimistic about this. Don’t let me down.

There’s not much to say. Apparently Darren Aronofsky has been speaking to Christopher Nolan about directing the new Superman flick. Rumor? Probably. Not going to happen? Probably? If it did? My cockhead would engorge to the point where it would rocket off, spinning around the ceiling of my room before finally falling back to Earth.

It’s an odd fit, since every Aronofsky flick makes me want to kill myself after finishing it. Well, except for The Fountain, which just made me feel like I was back in Intro to Philosophy. But whatever. I love the son of a bitch, and Black Swan is my most sweated movie this fall, outside of the Social Network.   So even if it’s a departure from his usual dark and gloomy misery-fests, I want to see this shit come to fruition.

Let’s get it done! C’mon, Aronofsky. Do this flick and then you can go and make your next film about a heroin addicted homosexual Dad with AIDS and cancer who is trying to reconcile with his lost baby tiger who he raised from an infant or something. Something nice and depressing. Just do this first. Please.

I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret. I text, eat, write, and occasionally fantasize while driving. So when I read this news while driving and eating a crumb cake, I almost veered off the road more than usual. Every nerd with half a hard-on for comic book movies worships at the altar of Christopher Nolan.   He gave us Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and kicks unfathomable amounts of ass. This news has me running around in a frothy geek insanity:

Via Deadline Hollywood:

Warner Bros is trying to ready  its DC Comics stalwart Superman to soar again on the Big Screen, and the studio has turned to Chris Nolan to mentor development of the movie. Our insiders say that the  brains behind rebooted Batman has been asked to play a “godfather” role and ensure The Man Of Steel gets off the ground after a 3 1/2-year hiatus.

…

Let us emphasize that Superman 3.0 is in the early stages of development. And we doubt Nolan would direct.  This wouldn’t be a sequel to Superman Returns but a completely fresh franchise.

It doesn’t even matter to me that he probably won’t direct it. If you were like me and hated the last Superman movie, Superlifter: Guy Who Lifts Shit While Kevin Spacey Acts Like An Asshole, you know how much I dreaded seeing Bryan Singer take another crack at the franchise. Just the name alone inspires faith and revelry in me, and it has to be better than a movie where Superman is an emo absentee Dad who gets shanked by Lester Burnham.

Helllllllllll, yeah! I haven’t updated Search Engine Terms in a while. There’s been a bunch of good searches, but I was proud of this newest one.

Fucking in Superman Position! It’s well documented that I pioneered the Superman Fuck. Now we have like minded individuals looking for a home, wanting nothing more than to advance their sexual techniques. Well my friends, you’ve come to the correct place for fucking in various superhero positions.

Welcome!

I also want to give a shout out to Superman Cum Shots. I really want to meet the people who are down with such things. They’ll either be really cool, or they’ll trap me in their dungeon and rape me ruthlessly. Either way, I uh, win!