Man, this is a fucking bundle of wonderfulness, no? Nintendo dropping Super Mario 64, Sunshine, and Galaxy in one meaty bundle. It’s called Super Mario 3D All-Stars, and it’s to celebrate the motherfucker turning 35.

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Goddamn, does Nintendo know how to throw a birthday party! The company is dropping remasters of most of the Super Mario catalog to celebrate the dude’s 35th anniversary!

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Last weekend’s stream is up, my dudes. We spend the time talking about the terrorist known as Super Mario. Imagining the terror that would be getting blasted with diarrhea while eating ass, and other garbage. All the while hunting secret levels in Super Mario World.

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I know I’m way late posting this, but, hey. Semester just started. I’m covered in fatigue and sweat. Just getting around to it. It’s worth mentioning anyways, right? Nintendo really, really, really dipping their toes into the mobile game. Right?

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Here’s a glorious gallery of Super Mario and his Cardre rolling deep in the Wasteland.

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So last week I shat in the pool and started pointing fingers.   I get it, some of you were unhappy with my High 5.   I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, that’s how I like it.   This is a melting pot of ideas and opinions.

This week we’re moving into the realm of video games; a realm that I have disgracefully ignored until now.   Today it’s about henchmen, specifically the waves and waves of baddies that you as the protagonist dispatch without hesitation.   These aren’t the run of the mill bad guys.   Perhaps these guys don’t quite deserve the hurting that you put on them.   Maybe next time you encounter them, you’ll think a little more and just let them pass.

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[face of a franchise presents two individuals that’ve fulfilled the same role. your task — choose the better of the two and defend your choice in the rancor pit that is the comments section]

One of the most celebrated rites of passage in the Nerd Realm is engaging in the Greatest Hero debate. Would Luke Skywalker’s   Jedi powers confound John McClane, or would he manage to best Tattooine’s favorite farmboy even after getting an arm chopped off? How fast can Neo read universal code if Professor X is mind-molesting him? Can Wolverine’s healing factor work quickly enough to thwart off the three-count after Hogan delivers the atomic leg drop?

Fun questions to ask, no doubt. But only in a purely academic sense. Because, if you really think about it, everyone knows who our generation’s greatest hero is.

Super Mario.

I can’t even begin to think of a hero that’s done more than Mario. Every few years he hunts down a dinosaur, beats the shit out of him, and then brings his girlfriend home to bang her out. Oh, and by the way, she’s a princess – so you know she’s packing a high-quality rump-roast. When he’s not out hunting prehistoric menaces, Mario finds enjoyment in high-octane deathraces. He gets his broke-ass brother jobs. Oh, and the muthafuggah’s got a PhD.

With such crazy credentials, it stands to reason that it takes a real boss to portray Mario. Luckily for us, we’ve been graced with performances by two absolute masters. The only problem lies in determining who did the better job.

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Our favorite fat Italian fuck turned twenty-five this year, along with the system he originally rocked out on. As part of that whole “Hey, you’re really fucking old!” celebration, Nintendo and Miyamoto have been talking about the creation process regarding Super Mario. I know you’ve asked yourself the same questions I have; was Mario always some awkward, asexual slave to a blundering princess? Was Luigi always that creepy lurker guy, who you just know is waiting to tap Princess on the rebound?

All important questions. But how about this nugget of interest: originally Super Mario was a bullet-shooting bad motherfucker.

Kotaku via 1UP:

During much of development, the controls were A for shoot bullets, B to dash, and up on the control pad to jump,” said Miyamoto. “The bullets wound up becoming fireballs later – we originally thought about having a shoot-’em-up stage where Mario jumps on a cloud and shoots at enemies, but we dropped it because we wanted to focus on jumping action. The sky-based bonus stages are the remnants of that idea, you could say. In the end, we realized that being able to shoot all the fireballs you want while running gave Mario too much of an advantage, so instead we had it so you shoot only one fireball when you start running.

Christ almighty! Wouldn’t that have solved everything back in the day. Here is friggin’ Mario, having to stop over and over on dumb ass Bowser’s neck. Just praying for some sort of paralysis. Seriously! That god damn Dino-Lizard-Turtle-Thing must have adamantium vertebrae. If Miyamoto just gave the poor fat bastard a shotgun, dude could have iced King Koopa eons ago, and put the Mushroom Kingdom in a much better state. I mean, sure, leiniency and all that crap on first offense. But Bowser is a repeat kidnapper and obviously rapist.

Put the boy out of his misery.