I need to stop hating on Zack Snyder. For, you know, destroying Pepsibones’ most beloved graphic novel of all time. Why? ‘Cause after seeing the newest trailer for Sucker Punch, something has become apparent. Zack Snyder and I both share the same mindset. Apparently we are both over-sexed permanent thirteen year-olds. We like hot chicks, mechs, karate swords, and slow motion. A lot. The trailer is so fucking base, so retarded, so generic, so fucking amazing. Somehow I can watch it while knowing that it’s mindless, dick-stroking babe objectification and cheeseball pandering, and not just like it. But sweat it. Sweat it with a bulge in my pants that commands thunder and perhaps pity. It is a thunderously small portion of little boy meat.

I want to hang out with Zack Snyder, Rob Liefeld, and Dude Huge at the same time so badly. We’ll all snort viagra and run around an arcade wearing Gears of War armor and pointing and screaming at every set of tits we see. Then Liefeld will try and draw the boobs we see, and they’ll all have broken backs, enormous jugs, and cloven feet. To dream. To dream.

Hit the jump to be fucking x-treme and check out the trailer.

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I had only read about Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch prior to this trailer. And still smarting that he took (what I consider to be) a big fat Frat Boy Shit on Watchmen, I didn’t really want to give it much of a look. But now I have seen the trailer, and I think I have been altered for the better/worse.

Returning to where I think it makes sense for him to stay, Sucker Punch looks like the retarded nocturnal emission of a mentally-challenged 16 year-old who plays too much World of Warcraft and drinks too much Mountain Dew. It’s hyper-erotic-violence featuring chicks in short skirts and giant robotic samurai ninjas. It’s like the product of some dude stuck in arrested development, who has been snorting pixie sticks laced with crushed viagra, who then smokes weed and watches 300 and Kill Bill back to back.

In other words, it channels a vibe that speaks to a very, very large part of me, that only through an immense amount of anti-psychotics and self-control have I managed to partially contain.

Also, it’s got Jon fucking Hamm in it. In other words, my homo-crush, and if I could turn my feelings for him into dollar bills, I could buy at least three-hundred-million Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers.

Hit the jump and check out the trailer. If your response is “this is the most juvenile piece of video-game pop-slush bullshit I have ever seen, designed for underdeveloped horndogs”, my response is “Yes. I can’t wait.

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