As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown wiser. Much wiser. I don’t want to toot my horn, but with enough undergraduate philosophy courses to complete two degrees, I’ve spanned the spectrum of intellectual debate. Because of this, I’ve gleamed insight the average mouthbreather can’t fathom, and I’d like to impart on you some of that knowledge.

Every and any problem in life can be fixed by a spinning lariat. Zangief and Mother Russian will show you the way.

Boyfriend treating you poorly?

Spinning Lariat that motherfucker.

Cat in a tree?

Spinning Lariat that fucking piece of bark.

Bills overdue?

Spinning Lariat those nuisances.

Car not working?

Spinning Lariat the engine into mush!

Episode of LOST making you homicidal?

Spinning Lariat that fucking LCD!

It’s elementary.

You’re all fucking welcome.