[WEEKEND OPEN BAR: The one-stop ramble-about-anything weekend post at OL. Comment on the topic at hand. Tell us how drunk you are. Describe a comic you bought. This is your chance to bring the party.]

What’s up fools! Drunk with Turkey Love? Gravy saturation? Hope your day of celebration was fantastic. Now begins the glorious protracted weekend. As you come back home from Black Friday sales, I welcome you to the column. Go wash the grandma blood off your hands – I understand you had to stomp her to get that LCD TV for $69.99. I get it. Draw the blinds, the cops are looking for you. Then sit down and contemplate the Thought Experiment I stole from a conversation at my own Thanksgiving dinner table.

You see, Marshawn Lynch wants to kill you.

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