A ne-ne-ne-new champion has conquered the Donkey Kong ring. Smashing barrels, buckets, steel-chairs, and unsavory, sharp objects into the souls of previous Donkey Kong high-score holders. His name is Robbie Lakeman. But you can call him the King of Kong! Get it? Like the movie! I’M SO CHEESY.

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Look at this fucking interloper! Not only has plastic surgeon Hank Chien wrested the title away from Billy Mitchell and Steve Wiebe’s eternal ballet of death, now the dude is getting his own documentary. Directed by Alexis Neophytides, Doctor Kong: Cutting Up the Competition has already screened in Brooklyn with more viewings opening up later this month.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

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Billy Mitchell may not be the literal king of Donkey Kong anymore. But that doesn’t stop the enterprising motherfucker from cashing in on the flick that made him the biggest douchebag awesometron Vader motherfucker in the video game world. No sir. Mitchell has opened a King of Kong-themed arcade at the Orlando International Airport. Most amazing part of the entire arcade? According to Joystiq, “there’s not a Donkey Kong arcade machine to be found within the joint.”

As they pontificate, he probably doesn’t want his already-crushed record to once again be usurped within the confines of his own establishment.

Mitchell is awesome. This is only further proof.

And then there were three! Meet Hank Chien! The good sir was previously glossed over back in August, known as the “guy Billy Mitchell beat to reclaim the Donkey Kong score.” Apparently Chien isn’t messing around though, and he’s definitely fucking up my extended metaphors. If Steve Wiebe and Billy Mitchell are the video game world’s Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, who the fuck is Chien?

Well, it doesn’t matter.

‘Cause the dude has taken the throne from the two of them.

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This year was fucking fantastic in the world of Donkey Kong. Steve Wiebe and Billy Mitchell. The day that Billy Mitchell was inducted into the International Video Game Hall of Fame, he took back the world record in Donkey Kong. How fucking bad ass is that? If Mitchell is the Darth Vader of video games (gorgeous, righteous, will choke a bitch), then that was his Empire Strikes Back. But regular dude Steve Wiebe wasn’t going to take that shit sitting down. No sir. He knuckled down and defeated evil. Back and forth. Good and evil. The eternal struggle.

Well, guess what fanboys. Steve Wiebe is willing to teach you the inner workings of the Donkey Kong. For a price. According to Joystiq, Chicago’s Logan Hardware “has hired Wiebe to not just teach a Donkey Kong class, but also to spend nearly five hours attempting to best his own high score on January 15.” How much does that shit run? Twelve bucks.

That’s it? To learn from a legend? Holy shit, sign me up. This is like Luke teaching you the fucking Force. Sure you’ll never be able to save the galaxy, but maybe you can glean enough to persuade sexy green space babes to take off their pants. And show you their salacious crumb.

If I was anywhere near Chicago, I’d be down like a clown. I know some may scoff at having to pay, but the guy is just a regular dude. I’d happily give him so money, to hang out, learn some bullshit, and watch him tear it up.

Here’s to another year of jostling between Vader and Luke, some records changing hands, and at the very least: more of Billy Mitchell’s mullet.

Welcome to Press Start! The place where I uh, do stuff and ramble a lot about video games. I’m going to level with you guys, I have a god damn head cold that won’t quit. This entire column is powered by Sudafed and the hazy feeling that antihistamine bring upon me. In other words; it’s sort of half-assed! Apologies. You’ll never know the difference, so low is the bar I set for myself. Here is it, the five things that caught The One Dork Eye of mine this week, in no particular order, and without anything resembling sense. Hit me in the comments box with your list of happenings.

Onward! Upward!

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#1: Bioshock Infinite Gameplay Drops Ten-Minutes of Bonery Onto Fans
It almost doesn’t seem fair. Bioshock Infinite isn’t dropping until some time next year, and here we are in September staring at ten-minutes of pants tightening glory. And if you’re any sort of a fan of awesome or Bioshock, you’re going to produce a sordid amount of cream in your pantaloons. A good friend of mine crunched the numbers, and did some science, and proclaimed that this footage is in fact beyond boners. A crack team of scientists are trying to calculate exactly what the appropriate juvenile expression for this game shall be, since clearly it is something more righteous than a blood-flooded cock.

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#2: Donkey Kong Country Returns Pre-Order Gift is Strangely Erotic
There’s always something strangely erotic about Donkey Kong. At least to me. And that probably isn’t worth of remark, since I have the maturity of a fifteen year-old. But still. Today I was thinking about how the entire premise of Donkey Kong is that he kidnaps this white chick, and I presume he’s going to do some vag-splitting horror on her after he takes care of that fucking plumber.

[Aside: It also seems like a creepy Japanese manifestation over the fears of miscegenation.]

Even more terrifying is the fact that everyone is down with DK, despite his dubious beginnings. Like, now he gets to roll around kicking ass and hanging out with his brood like he wasn’t a serial monkey rapist back in the day. What the fuck is that shit?

Nonetheless.

Nonetheless, this week Nintendo revealed the pre-order bonus you get when you drop some money down on Donkey Kong Country Returns over at Gamestop. A strangely erotic glove that you can slip your Wiimote into. What exactly is the functional purpose of this gift? I’m not sure. It’s a fucking condom shaped like a banana. I find it amazing though, and can’t help but want it for some inexplicable reason.

I want a banana condom.

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#3: MTV Gets Resident Evil Actors to Quote Lines From The Game
True confessional type shit: I saw Resident Evil: Afterlife. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it as some exceptionally awful action movie, that you can enjoy for all of its skillfully poor execution of action movie tropes. In three-dimensions! A concept which seemed to flummox Paul W.S. Anderson, so he just used bullet time to fling things at the screen.

Anyways.

So with that in mind, I was pretty pumped to find this video. MTV News got the actors of Afterlife to act out some of the classically brutal lines from the series. Any dork worth his weight in Claire Redfield cosplay can quote these lines. Sadly. So what is the greatest thing in life? Getting the shitty actors to quote shitty lines from Resident Evil. There’s some sort of righteous meta-commentary going on here, because there are countless lines from the movie which are actually worse than these lines.

Keep giggling, Milla Jovovich. You can’t act nor are you the Master of Unlocking like Jill!

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