HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BUY A ROTISSERIE CHICKEN AT STOP & SHOP WITH NEWS LIKE THIS BREAKING? One minute I leave the house. Then I’m on my phone AND STAR WARS-SHIT IS BLOWING UP. Had to punch an old lady in the kidney to get through the doors faster. FART IN A FUCKING LITTLE KID’S FACE to cut the self-checkout. But here I am. Telling you this: Gareth Edwards is in charge of the first Star Wars movie. NOW CAN I COOK MY FUCKING BROCCOLI? Edwards? Love or hate Godzilla, he has a gorgeous eye. The writer for this standalone flick? Fucking gross.

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Okay let’s not be classless and focus on what society totally tells us is the most important part about this video okay okay okay. There’s an opportunity for us all to donate to Star Wars: Force For Change and receive a variety of rewards. But we’ll do it for humanity. Right? Right! OKAYFUCK. Now can I talk about how awesome it is that S7ar Wars is shooting on real sets? And using physical models like we see for its creatures? Am I allowed? FUCK. I’M EXCITED. See it for yourself.

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If you believe the rumor mill, Red Five could be an upcoming Star Wars standalone flick. My question though — how would this work? Hamill is old as fuck, and I can’t imagine that they’d cast him in a standalone. Recast the Skywalker? Daring. How about — let me dream — this is an animated flick? Pixar? Let me dream, assholes.

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Oh baby, my nipples are hurting. Nay. My nipples are leaking from excitement. The Episode VII cast has finally been announced, and it is stocked with a cavalcade of oldies and newbies that get me taut in all the applicable places.

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A little Tuesday morning nonsense-zen.

Shit, I’ll level with you. Probably none of this is actually news. First up. Oscar Isaac is up for a “major role”, if theater commitments can be accommodated. Second up. Harrison Ford has a “gigantic role” in Episode VII. Yup –you’ve read that right. In the blackout that surrounds Episode VII, mentioning that HAN FUCKING SOLO has a BIG ROLE is news. Am I perpetuating it? Aye.

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Lucasfilm has finally come out and smashed the hopes, dreams, and dork-souls of many an SW:EU fan. Or maybe not? Frankly, it seems like they’re sort of doing two things. 1) Stating the obvious. Which is to say VII-IX is obviously not going to fucking follow the EU. 2) Announcing that the EU content will be slowly appropriated into the new Standardized Canon as they see fit, or perhaps more specifically as it can be made to fit.

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So you know how Disney and LucasFilmFarm are supposed to be making all sorts of Star Wars spin-off flicks? And how one is like, supposed to totally obviously be a Boba Fett movie? Well the executives in the Mega-Mind-Monoculture Factory are totally scratching their heads trying to figure out how to pull the Fett movie off.

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Well here’s a little news to get my minuscule lightsaber dropping with residual Force leaks. (Or something. Man, I’m played out with my already dumb lightsaber-as cock-metaphors.) Turns out that Episode VII is already shooting, despite the fucking casting not being done. My assumption? Filming locations for action sequences or some shit.

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I don’t often praise Electronic Arts, but Imma go ahead and do it here. Some Chief President Guy with a Fancy Title of EA was recently talking about how the company is going to handle the Star Wars franchise. And go fucking figure, the Dude references the Batman: Arkham games as a source of inspiration for the SW games. Fuck yeah.

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