The Marketing Gurus at Disney-Star-Wars corp have dropped an initial slurry of Episode VII character names on our asses. And they’ve done it in a bit of a genius way. The names are revealed on old “trading cards” the company provided to Entertainment Weekly. Take the names for what they are. Both Boyega and Riddle’s character cards don’t feature last names. So there’s something Abrams afoot. (If her last name isn’t Organa or Solo I’ll eat my fucking shoe.) Anyways.

Dope!

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Next month Star Wars #1 is dropping on shelves, kicking off Marvel’s newly formed alliance with The Force. I had sort of expected it to sell a good amount, but apparently the fucker is going to be the highest selling comic in twenty years.

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Rendar, Bateman, Riff and I trudged out in the cold and snow this morning. Spent $7. Sat through a litany of trailers. And finally got to watch the eighty-eight second Force Awakens teaser. Promptly left the fucking theater. It was probably the highlight of my year. Old school aesthetics, the fucking Falcon, fucking John Boyega, a fucking Sith, fucking FUCK. Yes. Fuck. Fuck.

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This Friday, Disney is cloaking the goddamn fucking Earth in Star Wars. Much like how The Force cloaks, binds, and nuzzles up against the Universe. Not only are they rolling out the Force Awakens trailer in a goddamn fuck ton of theaters, they’re also posting the piggie online.

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How about a Star Wars flick that’s a heist movie? Well I say goddamn! Amazing. And I know. All Star Wars all the time around here. Listen, I’m sorry. Listen, just endure. I beg you. It won’t be like this always. But I have a tattoo of Salacious Crumb on my testicles and my middle name was legally changed to “Dag..Dagohbah…Daohgbahaha System?” because I liked Empire but couldn’t figure out the spelling. I was seven. So like this excitement and obsession is genetically encoded into me. This too shall pass. But until it does! FUCK.

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Oh Disney. You shit-ass. Debuting the Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer in only nine Regal Cinemas. The closest one to me in NYC. Which means that if I want to see it, I’ll fittingly have to descend into the most Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy I can imagine. I’m hoping, like, as Riff pointed out to me in response to a frantic text, that maybe these are just the Regal cinemas that are playing it?

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Confirmed! The Force Awakens is getting itself a fucking trailer this fucking week in fucking theaters. Rendar and I might live through the entire trailer. Or our hearts may give out. Our dicks break. Our juices exhaust themselves. Either way. A valiant death or a wonderful life. This news piggy backs on the rumor I covered yesterday — that the sumbitch is dropping next week in 100 theaters, running before every showing of every flick.

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Man. Yesterday Slashfilm reported that The Force Awakens wouldn’t get a trailer before The Hobbit: Battle of Blah Armies. The report said that Disney was thinking “much bigger” than that. But if this rumor is true? Holy shit. Apparently next weekend the film is going to show before every single showing of every single movie in 100 theaters.

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Here’s some fucking Star Wars: The Force Awakens non-news. John Williams has officially recorded music for Episode VII‘s teaser trailer. Doesn’t do anything for you? It’s like those chaps Fall Out Guys said in that one song: I don’t care if you don’t care ’cause Pete Wendy’s dick.  And if you didn’t think this excites me, I have the crapped-pants and the remnants of the wall I ran through to prove it.

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BEEN A FUCKING MINUTE, EH? I’ve been ruining this site with so much Marvel Movie Coverage that I almost went a week without talking about my other site-ruining obsession. Star Wars. Well don’t celebrate yet, Non-Existent Readers. ‘Cause we got ourselves some Episode VII non-news.

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