Oh golly glory fucking shit-tits. Jar Jar Abrams is apparently kicking off Star Wars Celebration this April in a “big way.” Which means to this uneducated slob that the jealousy-inspiring fools in attendance are going to get some fucking Force Awakens trailer hotness.

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I went to Harry Potter World last month in Orlando. It was fucking awesome. Staggering around Diagon Alley was like, straight-up existing in a magical world. And I wasn’t HIGH. It was THAT CONVINCING. But all I could think while I was there, of course, was “Man, I need a Star Wars experience like this.”

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WE HAVE BEEN FUCKING HAD! Here I was all celebrating my Orphan Blackian victory, after news hit that Tatiana Maslany won the role in the Star Wars standalone. But now it’s confirmed that it’s Felicity Jones? WHO?! JKmaybesheiswonderful. I’m just not familiar. Oh! And SOLO, BITCH! is still a possibility.

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I say goddamn, goddamn, goddamn! This is wonderful news.

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Chris Weitz is now in charge of writing the Star Wars standalone. This is after Gary Whitta‘s (planned, maybe) departure a couple of weeks ago. Weitz is known for movies. About A Boy, The Golden Compass, and other things. Hey okay whatever!

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*DISNEY-LUCASFILM DARK CULT BRAINSTORMING SESSION* – “WHAT DO PEOPLE FUCKING LOVE IN STAR WARS?” “THEY FUCKING LOVE BOBA FETT” “FUCK YEAH! AND FUCKING HAN SOLO!!!” *ENTIRE ROOM HUFFS SOCKS FULL OF CRUSTED SHIT, MOANING AND RUBBING THEIR TITS* *IN UNISON* “WHAT IF WE MADE A MOVIE WITH FUCKING BOTH OF THEM?!!??!”

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YEAH BOIII! Straight to the dome with the WHITE NOISE OF STAR WARS NON-NEWS. Did you miss Rotting Flesh Monster Faced Mark Hamill in that first Force Awakens trailer? Or Princess Leia? Or Han Solo? Well, temper your tits. They’re coming this May.

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YEAHH BOIII. A new week, a new batch of Star Wars non-news. Last week the Phat Web Pipes reported that Some Guy Whose Name I Forget was moving one from his writing duties on the franchise’s first stand-alone flick. Now comes word that Simon Kinberg is going to take the reins.

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This is the rumor, folks. The rumor that ravaged the pipes of the inter-webs this past weekend. Aaron Paul as a young Solo.

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Looks like Marvel is remastering the original Star Wars comic book adaptation. This news is deeply interesting (okay not deeply) to me as someone who has never read this motherfucker.  Oversized? Recolored? I’m there, there.

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