#February2014
‘AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON’ now shooting; ‘EPISODE VII’ begins in MAY.
Combining both of these non-news news reports into one Titanic Machination of Non-News. Why? ‘Cause I cannot wait for 2015. It’s going to have HUGE, HUGE fucking RAMIFICATIONS on my life. No! Not my marriage, you idiots. (Thought that’s happening. 6.6.2015. Write it down, boners.) Instead, two of the biggest movies I’ve ever sweated are dropping.
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‘EPISODE 7’ News: Gary Oldman and Zac Efron admit they’ve had meetings
Real deal Holyfield: I think I may have a crush on Zac Efron. Such hot. So tan. Double real deal Holyfield: I definitely have a crush on James Gordon. These two studs have apparently had meetings pertaining to All Your Midi-chlorians Belong to Disney: Episode 7, and I’m thinking that’s pretty rad.
JJ ABRAMS (AND LAWRENCE KASDAN) NOW WRITING ‘EPISODE VII’, replacing MICHAEL ARNDT. Oh GOD.
Darkness. Darkness descending. My favorite refrain of “Oh man J.J. Abrams is a good director, but I’m glad he isn’t writing Episode VII” is no longer applicable.
‘STAR WARS’ RUMOR: DARTH VADER TV SPECIALS PLANNED.
Darth Vader TV specials? Hmm. They’re pretty much just going to consist of Darth Vader walking around like Sad Keanu muttering, “Padme…Pad…me? Buh-buh-buh what about Padme?” while Palpatine regrets saving his ass. Right?
(Hit the jump for actual info.)
‘STAR WARS REBELS’ VILLAIN REVEALED: The Inquisitor. WHERE IS VADER?!
So the first new character in the Star Wars Universe since the Disney buy has been revealed. He is also the homie that is going to be tormenting the heroes of Star Wars Rebels. First thought? Where the fuck is Vader? But then I was like — I suppose they need to give the heroes someone they can defeat. Since like, Vader hangs on for twenty years before getting rocked by Old Saggy Face and his hick son.
NO SH*T RUMOR: The MILLENIUM FALCON will “play a role” in ‘EPISODE VII.’
Does this surprise you? Does it knock the hair off your labia? Does it hardened your nipples and/or testicles? ‘Cause it seems pretty obvious to me. If James James Abrams is getting the entire original cast back together for Episode VII, why in tarnation wouldn’t the Millenium Falcon be involved? So why am I covering this? ‘Cause I fucking love Star Wars!
‘STAR WARS: EPISODE VII snags first RUMORED TITLE.
Star Wars, what the fuck? Dropping news on a Sunday. The first football Sunday! I had to put my pants on, pull out my Aaron Rodgers butt plug, and scuttle across the room to report the news. It appears that Episode VII has its first rumored title? What do you think? Imma leave this here, plug back in, and watch some foosball.
‘STAR WARS: EPISODE VII’ casting call REVEALS THREE roles. NO PORKINS GHOST WTF
An Episode Abrams casting call has revealed three roles. But there’s a problem. No Porkins. No fucking Porkins? In my mind, for my fucking money, Porkins is the most obvious Force-sensitive character in the SWU. Clearly he was never caught (not recruited, they were predators) by those Jedi pricks. However, I always sort of envisioned he’d come back as a Force ghost. Maybe Episode VIII?
‘EPISODE VII’ Rumor: Movie is dropping in DECEMBER of 2015. Ho-ho-holy shit?
Aw man! Underhand pitched that stupid headline! Swung so hard I cracked vertebrae! Whatever. I don’t care. The latest Star Wars: Episode VII: Abrams’ Controls My Heart rumor is that the flick isn’t dropping in May of 2015. This doesn’t surprise me very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Every movie in the franchise has arrived in May. But they ain’t cast anyone for this fucking flick, let alone started filming it. So December? Makes sense to me.
‘EPISODE VII’ Rumor: EWAN MCGREGOR returning AS OBI-WAN KENOBI
The whole gang is back! The whole fucking gang! It appears that Ewan McGregor (I’m going to choose to believe this report) will be returning as a Force Ghost in Episode VII. Me? I’m fine with this. Rendar? Definitely sporting a bulge in his skinny fit jeans. He’s been talking about wanting for for a while.
