#December2015
Final Fantasy XIII Box Art – Holy Fuck, YES.
What do I need to fucking say? Anything. I SAY NO. Final Fantasy XIII marches closer, and closer. And day by day, my balls tingle a little bit more. I’m going to be vibrating through my futon when I finally crack this bitch open. BELIEVE. Hit the jump for the PS3 rendition.
Chocobos Hit Puberty, Grow Huge, Sport Rebellious Haircuts in Final Fantasy XIII
Oh shit, chocobos have turned thirteen. And just like a teenager, chocobos have grown fucking huge, and sport amazing, cheesy mohawks. I fucking dig their new look. They’re goddamn enormous, they dwarf the baddies seen in this scan, and they cum in their pants while they sleep. I may have made that last part up. They actually cum in the hay in the barns they sleep in. Click the picture for the entire scan.
New FFXIII Character Proves Square Names Their Cast While Drunk
Oh shit, a new Final Fantasy XIII character! What’s her name?!?!
Oorba Yun Fang.
…
No seriously Ian, what’s her name!
Oorba Yun Fang
…
Square, what the fuck! Seriously, this ridiculousness with your names is getting awful. It’s almost Tekken bad. Well, Fing Fang Foom can summon Bahamut, and she’s also got a retarded tribal tattoo like half the guys at your local gym!
Fing Fang Foom was revealed in a trailer last month or some shit, and you can check out the scan she’s featured in by clicking on this link.
A Hermaphrodite Video Game Character? I Love You, Nier Replicant
No seriously, I love you Square Enix. Just when I think nothing can beat Ninja Gaiden 2’s feature that allows players to shake a character’s breasts with the controller, we have a game featuring a hermaphroditic demon:
Via Destructoid:
Nier…features a character known as Kaine, a hermaphrodite with identity issues and a demon that has taken over half his/her body.
I don’t think we should be looking for any sort of developed, nuanced character here. The pictures that have been provided show what can be easily categorized as a “female” – with what, a penis thrown in for effect? Oh well, I shouldn’t let my intellectual, culturally sensitive side kick in. I should just be stoked about the uber hotness that Nier Replicant apparently contains. There is absolutely no subset of horny gamer that Square does not want to cater to. They will cover it all eventually.
New Final Fantasy XIII Video, Seriously Square, Stop.
Another day, another freakin’ FFXIII video. What the hell is going on. We went years without this game even being mentioned, and now it’s everywhere! I can’t handle it. It gets me too excited. I watch the videos and then I’m all, OMFG YES, IT’S REAL, IT’S COMING, IT’S COMING…And then I just sort of sit there. Waiting. And waiting.
And don’t give me, “You’ve waited so long, you can make it.” I’ve waited for god damn ever! That’s why it’s so painful! Anyways, join me in beautiful misery. Check out the video after the jump.
Square Considering FFXIII DLC, Gaming Community Yells, “Welcome to 2005”
Square is “considering” DLC for Final Fantasy XIII. This company continually fucking confuses me. No, like seriously. The company is comfortable spinning their franchises off into cell phone games, toilet paper, action figures, thirteen Final Fantasy VII off-shoot games. They come off like straight-up shameless money whores. It seems so obvious. But then they do things like continue to not remake Final Fantasy VII, and now this. Dudes say they’re like, you know, mulling over the decision:
Via Destructoid:
“We are exploring the option of downloadable content, perhaps adding new areas, items or enemies, but these would not be expansions to the story, only the gameplay,” he explains. “The entire story of FFXIII will be on the disc.”
Guys. Fucking come on. Do you have any idea HOW MUCH MONEY you could make off of DLC? You know that people like me follow your releases with raging boners. You know you’ve sold me fifteen Cloud action figures. How many fucking Final Fantasy VII/VIII/X wallscrolls have I bought? We’ll buy any expansions you release. I’ll pay $5 for a fucking lightsaber for my 360 avatar. Do you have any idea how much I’d pay for a fucking Buster Sword?!?!
It’s amazing how fucking out of touch Square has become. Every company around shills DLC. It’s easy money. It’s been common hat for years now. And of course, here’s Square. Lagging behind. Contemplating shit that should be obvious and without statement at this point.
I can’t even tell you how hard I’d lose my mind for a $5 FFXIII DLC that would unlock a bunch of new side-quests and some new omega weapons. And I know people who hold my same beliefs are legion. Keep mulling it around guys, it’s only the most obvious fucking decision ever.
Square Knows How to Get Its Fans Off
Square demonstrates in a bunch of new Final Fantasy XIII pictures that they know their fanbase very well. How so? They’ve given us something out of our dirty little dreams. It’s a commonly known fact that nerds go absolutely fucking bananas for chicks with glasses. I think it’s a psychological phenomenon. We also like women who demonstrate power, since you know, we’re typically weak, fat, and eating spaghettios in our underwear. So what does Square do? They give us Jihl Nabaat. She’s a hot babe with glasses who apparently is a hard ass and wears latex. A DOMINATRIX IN LEATHER WITH GLASSES?
Holy shit. Well done, Square. Now let’s turn this game into something other than vaporware and give us the ability to take our own screenshots. I have plans. Filthy plans.
[ check the new screens @ destructoid ]
Proof Square Doesn’t Like Money: Where’s our Fucking FFVII Remake?
It’s a common source of confusion for Final Fantasy VII fanboys like my friends and myself why Squaresoft (they’ll always be fucking Squaresoft to me, okay?) hasn’t made a Final Fantasy VII remake. Market whores, Square has spun the game off into a thousand derivatives. Movies, cell phone games, toilet paper, subvertly sponsored Cloud/Sephiroth yaoi.
At the same time, they’ve remade like, you know, all the other Final Fantasy games for the DS, Gameboy, Virtual Boy, and Neogeo. So where the fuck is our Final Fantasy VII remake? The game was the jumping-on point for many Squaresoft fanatics like myself. It still remains insanely popular in the community, and the game would make more money than fucking God. So where the fuck is it at?
The VG247 blog managed to get this out of the motherfuckers responsible for FFVII:
There’s no official project that’s up and running for a remake of Final Fantasy VII at this point. Both Toriyama-san and Kitase-san were involved in the development of the game, however, and it holds a special place in their hearts. They do talk about it on a personal level, like, ‘If we did it it would be like this or like that.’
So, they do talk about it, but there’s no official project yet. But there’s that PSN release that just came out, so if you could play that for the time being, it should be fun.
In other words. We’re busy taking fourteen god damn years for Final Fantasy XIII because we’ve become incompetent, sludgy fucks. But buy the original on the PSN, because we contradict ourselves and really do love money, while not working on the project that would make us so much money we could fashion a real-life Godzilla.
