#March2014
NASA astronomer finds first EARTH-SIZED planet in habitable zone. Pack yer bags.
Pack your bags! Once we can conquer the impossible and traffic faster than light, we’ve found our first stop. Motherfuckin’ Earth-sized planet has been spotted in the “juicy space spot”, where planets thrive. I’m just spit balling. I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Too busy fingering my ass in public and screaming “you’ll never find me where I’m going!” while wearing my NASA space suit.
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NASA has recovered 7 “PRECIOUS” particles from the solar system’s birth
Wooorrrddd. While the Big Bang may have given rise to like, all of this, our solar system is a bit more of homey place. I can just feel Sol-related news more. I mean, it’s probably — I don’t want to sound cynical but it’s probably — the only solar system I’ll ever call home. So news that they’ve captured 7 particles from its birth is pretty gnarly, man.
NASA offering $6 Million to help solve their ASTEROID CAPTURING PLAN’S problems
NASA is offering a hefty bag of loot to anyone who can help unfuck their plans to capture an asteroid. And tow that son of a bitch to the Moon. Okay maybe “unfuck” is the wrong word. How about “assist in the surmounting of the more problematic issues” regarding this rad as fuck plan?
SOLAR STORM in 2012 nearly FRIED ALL OUR ELECTRONICS. Bow before SOL.
It’s only a matter of time before the sun deploys a gnarly solar storm that knocks down our electrical grids. Fries our cell phones. Reduces us to chimps with boner pills and botox. Said time was almost two years ago, but we got lucky like a mofuckah’.
NASA planning ROBOTIC MISSION to Europa to SEARCH FOR LIFE.
We’re going to Europa! With a fucking robot in tow! Make no mistake about it, we’re hunting down life. The Europians shall soon know the glory that is McDonald’s, American football, and human excess! Flee while you can, fuckers!
This MARS SUNSET is solar system sweetness
This is a picture of a sunset on Mars. Just kick back and imagine yourself beholding this beholden beauty upon the Red Dunes of Bradbury-Land. Pass the Space-Beer and the Red Martian Sticky, and let’s let infinity unfold in our minds.
CASSINI crosses Saturn’s Ring Plane. MAGIC TRICK occurs.
How about dis sheeeeeet? Cassini is rocking out, all gobbling up pictures of Saturn and shit when WHOOSH the goddamn rings disappear. Now you’re thinking what I’m thinking. The rings are techno-organic nano-bots that are operating as a hive mind. They’ve been activated, and now are en route to Earth. Close. We’re close. You see — actually we’re not close. It’s a matter of perspective.
The MARS ROVER photographed from space. Red Planet Perspective++
The Big Eye in the Sky ain’t limited to spying on homeless dudes in the streets, our dongs in our houses, and the wild packs of Werewolves that dominate the suburbs on weekends. No ma’am! It’s also got its eye on the Mars Opportunity Rover, making sure it doesn’t discover the secret Illuminati base on Mars. Scary, right? But there’s a bonus! We get wild pictures like this.
Space Swoon: Tarantula Nebula is hyperactive spider in our galactic hood
Hey kids! Do you want to learn about the Tarantula Nebula? Why, it’s enormous as fuck, active as fuck, and generally has been known to swagger through the cosmos with a bravado described as “The Rock meets Gandhi meets the Grim Reaper.” Hey, don’t ask me. I didn’t come up with it.
Kepler Telescope LIVES AGAIN; already spotted a planet
Everybody lick up the forties that you spilled for the Kepler telescope! Lap that alcohol up, ain’t no use wasting it for nothing. You see, that plan for reviving the Kepler took! Took a hold, and revived the son of a bitch.
