#February2013
Newly discovered planet is the size of the MOON. Pluto is like, indignant.
The Space Wizards have found us a new exoplanet, and this one is fucking small. How small? We’re talking about as small as the round mound of Cheese that we like to call the Moon. Space Cheese. Pluto is probably pretty upset about this news, as it continues to deny the fact that its demotion wasn’t purely based on its size. Give it up, Pluto!
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A storm on SATURN so frakin’ huge it wrapped around the planet. Blood + Thunder.
How is this for a storm. The wunder-object Cassini has picked up a thunder-and-lightning maelstrom on Saturn that is so goddamn enormous, it wraps around the entire planet. That is some straight not fucking around space right there.
Astronomers discover “potentially” habitable “Earth-like” planet “near us.” Qualifiers ++
Let’s all double-down on the qualifiers here, people. A mere 12 light-years away lurks a planet that may be habitable. So even though we can never reach it, and we will never truly know, let’s all get excited.
Scientists claim they may have discovered something “earthshaking on Mars. Wut, wut.
Scientists may have found something tremendous in the soil upon the Red Planet. While they’re double-checking and quadruple verifying their date, they have also begun to leak their excitement to the press.
Astronomers have taken first picture of planet orbiting a star. Spaceswoon++
Woo! I’m totally excited about us doing as a civilization something I probably thought we had already done! Astronomers have taken their first picture of a planet orbiting a star, allowing us to plan our travel to this planet. We can go there, right? We got this, correct? Pack your bags, it’s on!
EARTH-SIZED planet found in Alpha Centauri? I’ll take it!
Goddamn! Get down, get down. Astro-wizards have found an “Earth-sized” planet in Alpha Centauri. If you don’t think this is the berries, good sir or madam, you don’t know poop about squat.
Planet with FOUR SUNS found. Tatooine officially offers nothing.
Well shoot. Back in the day Tatooine could get by being a piece of shit desert world because it offered the novelty of two suns. Insert binary sunset. Now it doesn’t have anything to fall back upon. Researches have found a planet for four suns. A planet that farts on Tatooine will kissing its mother. A tragic tale.
JUPITER does us a solid, saves us from potential DEVASTATING impact.
If you’re a space geek like me, then you know that Jupiter is essentially Earth’s bulwark. It saves us from a fair amount of shit that comes floating through the shooting gallery that is our solar system. Recently the Enormous Bastard may have extended this solid yet again.
‘HOT MARS THEORY’ suggests Red Planet never had chance for life. RUINING EVERYTHING.
Rad Bradbury says fuck you!, Hot Mars Theory. Such a theory that is putting forth that our glorious Red Brother never had the chance for life. Pshaw. Plant some trees, exert some cosmic will, and wish for the best.
HUBBLE spots GALAXY that “shouldn’t exist”…we know nothing.
I’m particularly fond of the stories that contain remarks like “shouldn’t exist” or “defies expectations” or “confuses the shit out of people.” It makes me warm knowing that as much progress we make, we are generally still blind mice milling about in a world of confusion. The Universe is still full of wonder.
