There had to be a moment when Santa Monica Studios was developing God of War III when they they realized something. Steve the Intern was all like, “This game is the best! It’s three hours of insanity!” All of a sudden they all realized something; their game was amazing, but it was only four hours. And so they freaked the fuck out, and they started shoe-horning shit loads of mundanity into the title. You go from such a mind-boggling opening confrontation with Poseidon to running around boring ass levels pushing blocks and fighting the same eighteen enemies over and over and over again. Interspersed within this tediousness are epic confrontations that justify your toiling in such bullshit banality. The battles with Cronos, Hercules, and ultimately Zeus make up with the blaise you encounter for several hours at a time. And so while God of War 3 is one of the most tonally uneven games I’ve played in years, I can’t help but recommend it to anyone looking for a genuine killer app. Just take it with a grain of salt.

God of War III is like an amazing sexual experience, interspersed with mediocre moments. That’s the best and only way I can describe it, because I am a juvenile asshole. There comes a time, probably right now in my twenty-seventh year, when I realize I’m not going to grow up, and to just prattle on with the ridiculous sexual conceits.

This game opens up like a blazing little batch of oral fundom. And you’re like, OH FUCK, this is going down. However, right about the time Kratos has milked you, he then throws you into the missionary position for a few hours. And you’re laying there, much like I imagine anyone who has the misfortune of copulating with me, looking very, very bored. It isn’t all bad however, since there are some crazy positions he then throws you into you, and you’re like oh fuck, maybe he was just saving his energy. And you’re totally digging it. But then all of a sudden, he’s like ZEUS, PUZZLES AND SHIT, and you’re again laying on your back. And right when you think you’re so fucking bored, he blows you away with this insane swerving-hips-pelvis-thing and you’re throwing fluids everywhere. His finishes so well, you almost forget how mundane some of the shit was in there.

Almost.

I’ve tried to figure out if I found the tediousness of moments in the game the result of shitty gameplay or if the bar was raised so far in the more special moments that anything following them was going to be disappointing. And the answer I’ve come up with, is typical for Ian the moderate, which is to say it is the word “Yes.”

There’s no doubt that the highwater marks for the game make anything following them dull as fuck. There’s simply no way to top the set pieces they built the game around. It’s not something uncommon to God of War III. Even Uncharted 2, which is the most killer of fucking apps this generation, suffered from this problem. There’s simply no way to compete with the absurd moments in the game. Running around and shooting Sasquatch-type motherfuckers is going to pale in comparison to ridiculous battles in a collapsing apartment complexes.

The problem with God of War III though?

The gameplay that they used as the medium to get you from set-piece to set-piece is much, much, much, much more boring to me than Uncharted 2’s.

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