…I’d rather die during sex.

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Finally us bloated Americans have the official lube to go with our genital-stank and our gut-bulge. Bacon flavored lube. It’s really real, and the advertisements for it are amazing.

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I know what you’re thinking. “Sometimes in the midst of raging carnality, I despair at my lack of lube. Goddamn if only we had been a bit more judicious with our usage of it last week, but Jesus Christ the cantalope  was calling.” Now you’re never going to need to worry again. You can buy a 55-gallon tub of lube.

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A good lad who I am certain is typically quite the respectable citizen was recently arrested for having sex with an inflatable raft. In his defense, it was pink. Which means he’d have sex with a polo shirt of mine, and a good portion of my backpack. Still though. A pillar of the community…who has done this kind of stuff before.

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I’m excited for the new Conan the Barbarian movie. It was genetically designed to appeal to meat-head-dork metal-fiends like myself. Blood!, axes!, boobies! This fan made trailer takes actual footage from the movie and present itself in a manner that makes it undeniable to me. If this was released as an official red band trailer it’d be the best piece of marketing for the film yet.

Hit the jump to check it out.

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I’m sorry for those already offended. But I have a serious question. Or rather, a juvenile question that crossed my mind. Does triple penetration count, if you’re cheesing it with a sex toy instead of a finger or even tongue or weiner?

I mean, I find it impressive. Don’t get me wrong. But it’s sort of like how the Red Sox won the Wild Card with a Rangers’ loss. It counts, but it just isn’t the same. C’mon, you know you want to comment.