Sega is dropping Sonic 4 on our asses this year. It’s a whole bit of trippy. For starters, it’s going to be released episodically. And they’re calling it Sonic 4, despite the fact that since Sonic & Knuckles came out sixteen years ago…

…Wait a second, Sonic & Knuckles came out sixteen years ago? Holy fucking shit. That sucks. What the fuck is going on? 1994 was that long ago? Jesus Christ. It feels like just yesterday I was rubbing my boner confusedly on my bedroom floor while staring at Mileena’s tits in my Mortal Kombat II strategy guide.

And now? Now I’m doing the same fucking thing and I have nothing to show for it!

But yeah, since then, they’ve released a zillion games. From Sonic Adventure to Sonic And A Pack of Douchebags to Sonic The Werewolf Asshole, they’ve all missed the mark. So they’re stripping the game down to what we’ve only wanted for the past decade and a half. We want to run really fucking fast, through loops, in a 2D side-scroller.

And now we can.

Check out the video to either:

1. Feel old as shit, or
2. Be too young to appreciate it, and be like, what the fuck is a Sonic the Hedgehog?

Have you seen that advertisement for Uncharted 2 where the guy is like, hey my girlfriend keeps mistaking this game for an action movie! The best way to describe Bayonetta is that it is absolutely not that sort of game. It is a post-modern, hyper-violent, super-fuck. Any loved one who stumbls across you playing Bayonetta probably think you’re watching some hallucinogenic pornography. And that’s why   Bayonetta is one of the best games I’ve played in years.

It’s apologetically insane.

I began sweating Bayonetta when I heard the premise: It’s Devil May Cry starring a gorgeous woman with glasses and a British accent. And along the way it began to be the most-hyped nerdboner explosion in the fanboy community I’ve ever seen. Emphasis on nerdboner. Because the game ejaculates sexuality, and doesn’t give a fuck if you like it or not. Cutscenes in the game find amazing ways to feature Bayonetta sucking on lollipops, flashing her ass, or zooming in on her crotch. I’ve never seen a game where the camera’s most prominent position is stuck onto a character’s leather-covered ass.

And can we talk for a moment about how Bayonetta’s crotch has got to smell with all that flipping and shooting and killing while wearing a leather bodysuit? I don’t care, I’d still hit it.

The entire game is an exercise in hyper-conscious absurdism. Bayonetta is over the top, but more importantly, Bayonetta knows that its over the top. To the point where Bayonetta drops high-fives to other games by its creator, Hideki Kamiya, from Resident Evil to Devil May Cry to Viewtiful Joe. Classic phrases from those games like “Flock off, feather face!” and “Whadya buyin?” are strewn about so the game doesn’t just jerk off your genitals but also your nerd organs too. The game smashes down the fourth wall while rubbing itself.

The storyline doesn’t matter, or at least I hope it doesn’t, because I don’t remember a lick of it. And I don’t think you’re supposed to, since the game seems quite conscious of why all the fanboys and fangirls with engorged junk-pieces are playing it: for the gameplay and absurd sexuality.

For example:

There’s a moment towards the end of the game when Bayonetta, some weird intrepid reporter named Luka, and I think what is Bayonetta’s past eight year-old self complete with librarian fuck-me glasses are riding in a helicopter towards some sort of epic confrontation. As Bayonetta vomits on and on about whatever sort of epic story is going on, Luka begins to stare at Bayonetta’s cleavage. Bayonetta’s recently rain soaked, and as she speaks, her huge, backbreaking tits are glistening. A perfectly formed droplet stops right where her nipple would be, and when Bayonetta says something like “Are you fucking listening, Luka?!”, the nipple-droplet falls off and both the player and Luka realize they didn’t give a shit about the storyline.

‘Cause it doesn’t matter, and the game knows it.

But let’s face it, all that absurdity and sexuality is fucking useless without tight gameplay. And after playing the demo back in the early winter, I was concerned this game was just going to be a Devil May Cry-clone with stunning cleavage. I kept the dark secret to myself, hoping I was fucking wrong. Thankfully, I was.

There’s no denying the game’s connection to Devil May Cry. But the game is Devil May Cry done to the zillionth degree. Fuck Devil May Cry 4, consider this the next-generation installment. Kamiya, who left Capcom to form Platinum Games carries over a lot of what made Devil May Cry awesome: the kinetic action, the ridiculous air-juggling, and retools it a bit. Snagging some shiz from his other franchise, Viewtiful Joe, Bayonetta gives you bullet-time. In Viewtiful Joe it was called Slow Viewtiful. But now you’re going to call it Witch Time. Apparently witches are in the Matrix, or at least hang out with Barry Allen.

The first couple of chapters you just fuck around and learn the combat system. You’re taught how to climax, and let’s face it, every boy should be taught how to make a chick climax. At the end of every boss battle, you have to mash two buttons together, which apparently is how you make someone climax, by mashing buttons, and then Bayonetta strips and eats things with her hair. Yeah, I have no god damn idea. Again, welcome to Bayonetta.

As the game progresses, the scope of the battles get larger and crazier, and so does the difficulty. It starts off manageable, and gets more and more difficult until the final battle had me ready to wing a controller off the wall again like I was thirteen and playing my friend Joe in X-Men vs. Street Fighter. Who the fuck just crouches and fierce punches?! SON OF A BITCH.

Unlike Devil May Cry and Viewtiful Joe which were both severe pains in the fucking ass, this game rocks a continuous auto-save option. So when you die, you don’t get thrown back to the beginning of the level. Instead, you’re just tea-bagged by the game at the end of the entire Chapter. That’s when you’re awarded a statue, from Stone to Platinum. And let me tell you, all those deaths you rocked? They’re shitting on you in the form of a stone statue. As if to say, you passed, but you fucking suck.

The true epicness of the game is nailed in the final battle. Turn away if you’re spoilerphobic. For it is in that fight, when you get to climax on the face of God and throw her into the sun. The game’s battles go from running along streets, to sword fights on missiles zooming through the air, to fighting the one responsible for all creation. Obviously, God is a massive stone chick with wings and enormous stone boobs. She’s insanely huge, can barely be contained on screen, and is complete with the thirty-five forms that final bosses have in every Japanese game ever.

After finishing her off, you of course, have to climax! all over her. And then? Then you throw her into the sun. Problem solved.

Bayonetta isn’t for everyone. It’s odd, it’s super-erotic, probably a bit heretical, and it isn’t the easiest game. It is a niche game, but for those within the niche, it is the greatest thing ever. You know, those who are fans of cleavage, self-aware action sequences, enormous boss battles, and chicks with glasses. If you’ve ever played Devil May Cry, or jerked off to latex porn, or done both at the same time, you’ve just found your new favorite game.

Like me.

Hideki Kamiya is a straight pimp. Having worked on Resident Evil, Devil May Cry, Viewtiful Joe, and now Bayonetta, the dude owns a large portion of my gaming soul. One of the more ridiculous and awesome things about Bayonetta is the list of shout-outs that the game has been giving to Capcom greats.

One of the most classic moments in awful dialogue was Dante’s “Flock off, feather face” in the middle of Devil May Cry. Whether it was intentionally campy action movie dialogue- which I think it was, or just awful script, it has been one of the sweeter moments in gaming. I had mentioned yesterday that one of Bayonetta’s moves called for “Flock off!”, but today? Yeah, playing through today right before a boss fight, Bayonetta drops the actual dialogue.

Flock off, feather face!

I did a little geek lap around my room.

Then, the character Rodin serves as a means to another awesome Capcom reference. Any douchebag who has played through Resident Evil 4 has uttered the line “Whadya buying?!” at least over Ventrillo like a nerd. Wait, that’s just me? There’s some shitty clerk in Resident Evil 4 who sells shit to Leon to help him in his mauling of zombies. And every time you hit up the dude, he’d be all “Whadya buyin? Whadya sellin’!” It became iconic across the game, to the point where friends who had just watched me play the game know about it.

Today, I went to Rodin, who serves as the same sort of vendor in Bayonetta as the aforementioned clerk did in Resident Evil 4, opens up a cinema with this for his dialogue:

Whadya buyin? I heard that in a game once.

This was me: !!!!!!!!!!!!

Bayonetta takes fanservice to unforeseen heights, perhaps only matched by the rimjob that Kojima gave fans for twenty hours in MGS4.

Well done.

Perhaps the best way to describe the insanity that is Bayonetta is this: there was a moment this morning when I was frantically mashing on the X button on my 360 controller, while using my free hand to pound a two-liter of Diet Mountain Dew. On screen, an enormous demon dog type-thing was munching an enemy of mine. You see, it informed me to smash on the X button to make the battle CLIMAX. Following the encounter, Bayonetta moans, and upon receiving a Platinum Award at the end of the battle, you catch a cheap shot of her ass.

In other words, this game was created with me in mind. It’s utterly ludicrous. The action scenes are over-the-top slow-motion wank fests. The characters beyond wacky, and for some reason Bayonetta is always sucking on a lollipop, or finding a way to flash a glimpse at her leather covered crotch. It is hyper sexuality done to the zillionth degree, baked in a stew of genital-engorging character designs and frenetic action. Did I mention it was awesome?

I’m only on Chapter 4, but I figured I should post these impressions. Since I have been jacking off this game for roughly seventeen months, and I figure people are like, “Hey Ian, you sicko. Are you too busy masturbating to give us any sort of impressions?” Well, here you go. As a brief aside, I was going to type “Rubbing your man-clit”, but that just sounds so awful. Even for me.

Yeah, I’m completely fucked up on caffeine, and using Flash-like powers to try and jump into the future at the moment. What it looks like? Me running really fast into my wall, while my Nana screams at the loud and confusing noises. The cats look on at me with embarassment, wishing they could communicate in Human Talk to tell me what a dumb ass I am.

Fans of Kamiya, there’s some pretty rad fanservice for you. If you’re geeks for Devil May Cry and Viewtiful Joe, you’ll appreciate this. Bayonetta not only utters the words “Flock off”, in reference to the best line in gaming since “Jill, here’s a lockpick. It might be handy if you, the master of unlocking, take it with you”, from Resident Evil. Also a Kamiya game. And if Viewtiful Joe is your thing, Bayonetta, while hurtling through the air on some piece of decimated street, drops “Dancing a-go-go.”

Awesome. Well, there you have it. If I don’t die from a burst heart-organ, or from fapping myself into a friction-burn-induced-immolation, I’ll write something up upon completing it.

I don’t know what I’ve started with my Bayonetta madness. But now people are finding us through “i wanna bury my face in bayonetta’s ass”. Is this an pinnacle, a nadir, or both?

Bayonetta’s coming out on my birthday. Bayonetta’s coming out with a special edition. Bayonetta’s coming out on my birthday. Friends, family, brother, parents, girlfriend, thinly-tethered acquaintences, please, please, please, I’m not begging. But chip in and buy this collector’s edition for me for the 360. The picture displays the PS3 edition, but I assume it’ll get some Micro-love as well:

Via Destructoid:

The Bayonetta special edition will contain a soundtrack disc and a hardcover art book, all wrapped up in a spiffy slipcase. So far it’s been announced for the UK, Spain, France and Australia, and will release alongside a standard edition on January 8. Sega of America has not announced anything regarding a US special edition, but it’s safe to assume that such an announcement is likely.

Insert dreamy sigh.

Oh, the tricky lord and the binds he puts me in. My Bayonetta lust is well documented. Not just for the hottie, but for the game itself. Well, it comes out today in Japan. And in the Empire? We’re not getting it until January 29, 2009. Which is fucking awful for me. Why, you ask? For starters, Mass Effect 2 comes out. And secondly, I’m going to be smack dab in the beginning of the semester. Awful situation? Sure. Sort of.

And then yesterday I found out that the Playstation 3 version isn’t just going to be region free, everything is going to be in fucking English. Holy shit! I don’t know what happened that the good lord smiled upon me like that. Except he did it with a wink. Even though I could play it on my PS3, and even though it’s in English, I hesitate.

Why?

Because it’s the PS3 version.

Don’t groan, I ain’t even hating. It’s been well-documented that Kamiya and Platinum Games have very little to do with the port to the PS3. Like, almost nothing. In fact, it was the 360 version that received the perfect score in Famitsu, while the PS3 lagged behind by a couple of points.

So here’s the bind: Do I snag the PS3 version from Japan, early? Or do I wait until I can get the “perfect” version in January for the 360?

Let’s be honest, there’s no way that the PS3 is vastly inferior. It scored only two less points that the 360 version (a 38 as opposed to a 40), which indicates it is at least in the same ballpark. And I mean, Jesus Christ, it’s in full English! How the fuck can you beat that? The alternative is waiting until January. Three days after Mass Effect 2, in the middle of a semester, and like, two weeks before Bioshock 2. Why the fuck is the winter becoming the new late Fall as far as video game releases? Not even cool bros, not even cool.

Speaking of the Fall, even the Japanese release is ill-timed for my gaming habits. I’ve barely touched Borderlands, I’m stuck in the crack habit that is WoW. And then there’s Modern Warfare 2, Left 4 Dead 2, Ratchet and Clank, Assassin’s Creed II, et cetera, et cetera. In fact, while I was initially indignant about the lack of a simultaneous release   – no, not Bayonetta and myself, duh! – it sort of makes sense. It would have been buried under the glut of other titles poppin’ off.

Still, it’s hard to rationalize waiting. Bayonetta is sitting out there for me. Right now. She’s beckoning. She’s wearing leather and booty shorts and swimsuits! For me! No seriously, I got an e-mail for me. It said:

Dear Ian,

I’ve been released. Now it’s time for you to open me up, and do a little releasing of your own.

xoxoxo,

Bay-bee.

That’s what she asks me to call her when we’re making love on the astral plane. And I do.

Further proof that Japan is awesome? This fucking marketing scheme:

Via Kotaku:

With the game days away from release in Japan, the SEGA Bayonetta marketing blitz continues. The latest are large posters in Shinjuku Station’s with fliers than can be pulled off.

Giant ass posters out in the public, that encourage people to yank off Bayonetta fliers to reveal the babe underneath? This is fucking brilliant. Especially when it yields this:

Seriously. I don’t really have any other words. How ridiculously fucking awesome is this? I need to create a Bayonetta category, because really all I want to talk about is this game. And her. Oh sweet her. Listen, it’s not like I’m obsessed with her. But I’d dump Too Good For Me Girlfriend in a second for her. Just kidding baby. Wink, wink.

My love for Bayonetta is well documented. Between the Devil May Cry-esque gameplay, the ridiculous action scenes…and oh yeah, the fact that I want to marry Bayonetta and worship latex, the game is my dream. Well, apparently Famitsu agrees. Because they gave it a 40/40.

Seriously.

Via Kotaku

Japanese game magazine Famitsu has four separate critics score games on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the best score. The four scores are then tallied, and 40 is perfecto.

Today, only eleven, well, now twelve games have been awarded the perfect score. The latest is multi-platform title Bayonetta. Multi-platform Bayonetta is the first game to appear on the Xbox 360 to receive this score.

Ah. This is both amazing, and ridiculous. It confirms my love for the game isn’t misplaced, and it also makes me crack up. Other games that have   garnered perfect scores? Oh, just Ocarina of Time and Vagrant Story. And not to mention the countless games that are probably better than Bayonetta and haven’t.

But I’m counting this as a fucking victory. If MGS4: Dullness of the Patriots and Nintendogs can get perfect scores, why the hell not? It is, at the very least, confirmation that on January 29, 2010, I’ll have a reason to at least put down Mass Effect 2 for a moment. Seriously, these two games are three days apart? Fuck me. Fuck you, gaming gods.

Bayonetta. Perfect. Amazing.

Ah, Bayonetta. On a nightly basis, I get into debates with myself over the merits of Bayonetta. On one hand, it seems like an amazing game. It stars a gorgeous woman with GLASSES, and features Devil May Cry-esque gameplay. On the other hand, it seems like the most amazing and flagrant female objectification in a long time. I take a moral stand for about fourteen seconds, before I’m amazingly defenseless in the face of a gorgeous woman and sleek gameplay.

Fearful of being outdone by anyone in the super-sexy-uber-sexual game department, Capcom has released a commercial for Bayonetta in Japan which features cleavage, ass shots, and yes, lollipop sucking. Top it all off with the tagline, “Nonstop Climax Action.” Amazing.

Check the video out after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »