My only experience with the Splinter Cell franchise came around nine years ago in my friend Gary’s room. He had just bought it, and I was curious as what it held. I thought it would be bad ass; I mean, I fucking loved sneaking! Old/Solid/Liquid/Naked/Whatever-Snake and I had rocked out forever. Well, I was let down. Let down like woah. I played it for ten minutes, didn’t feel it, and declared rather ingeniously, “This is like Metal Gay Solid!”

Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten any wittier since.

All the hype around Splinter Cell: Conviction had me geeked out on trying it. Ubisoft went out of there way to assuage people like me, informing us this wasn’t the normal lame ass Sam Fisher we were used to. And those motherfuckers weren’t kidding. The Splinter Cell: Conviction demo is icy hot.

It’s a scientific fact that the only thing cooler than kicking ass is kicking ass while having gone rogue. And our boy Fisher is rogue. Way rogue.

I have this unhealthy habit of giggling while inflicting manslaughter and blood-inducing in video games. And the demo had be giggling immediately. The game thrusts you into the shoes of Fisher in some shitty bathroom, and you are given the option to interrogate some typically skeevy bald dude. Why are 75% of bad guys skeevy and bald headed? Well, the dope part is that interrogation in this game involves hitting the B button. Mundane? Naw kid! ‘Cause you grab this douche-nozzle by the throat. Tapping B allows you to afflict a variety of ass-whuppings on the dude.

At one point I smashed his skull into a mirror, and then followed it up by dinging his dumb head out on the sink.

It was awesome.

I’m also feeling the combat system. A lot. It’s a nice twist on the whole sneaking bullshit. At this point in my life, I’m pretty fucking sick of Super-Duper-Snake and his clunky as fuck controls. I preferred sneaking as Mr. Nathan “Polygonal Sex” Drake, or Brucey Wayne in Arkham Asylum.

It’s some sort of weird riff on combo points. If you sneak behind a dude and perform a stealth kill, you gain the ability to execute some motherfuckers bullet-stylee. There’s something arousingly gratifying about this. Sneak behind a dude and lay him out; then target a couple of assholes and hit the execute command. Bodies be droppin’.

Wallet and time be damned, this demo sold my ass on the game. It’s also flashy as fuck and I love how they’ve integrated objectives into the scenery. I ain’t never felt Sammy Fisher before, but they’ve won be over with a demo. It’s amazing the power of a well-crafted demo. You fuckers win.