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There are moments on LOST that are so utterly epic, you want to shit your pants. Or do laps around your room. Or perhaps, jump up off your couch after shitting your pants, and do laps around your room. Tonight’s LOST brought all of that funk into my soul. I’m excited at a cellular level. I am tweaking out on pure undiluted awesomeness, not to mention an entire fucking bag of Starburst jellybeans. Oh sweet Christ, if this isn’t one of the best episodes of all time, I don’t know what will be. Buckle the fuck up, there are going to be fanboy fluids flung everywhere. Open your mouth and say a novena.

Where to start? Where the fuck to start? There’s too much enormity! My god damn skull plate is about to break off, spin around the room, before breaking through my ceiling and flying off into the stratosphere.

Let’s get down to the essentials. The storyline for Ab Aeterno is framed through the tale of our boyfriend Richard Alpert, and how he came to be on the Island. While there are ridiculously important developments on some sort of macro level, it’s all tied down through the most beautiful of bindings, the heart strings. I thought it was a dope way to intertwine the two.

Did you swoon for Richard before? Yeah, me too. I couldn’t believe how thunderous the clit-boners and butt-crushes were for Dicky. I mean, I know that I love him, but the LOST community seemed centered on this episode tonight with especial fervor. RICHARD, we all screamed, OPEN YOURSELF UP TO US. And he did, oh boy did he did.

Our boy Richard rocks the most touching of archetypes, the lover who wants to be with their deceased wife. Seriously, ladies and gentlemen. If that doesn’t melt your heart, you don’t have one. The episode opens up with Dicky galloping upon his horse to his beloved Isabella. And she’s obviously on her way to rocking the rigor mortis. I don’t know much about the medicines of 1847, but when your wife is barfing blood, she’s probably fucked.

One deep-dicking by the Catholic church later, and Ricardo is on his way to the New World via some serious slave trading bullshit. I mean, how can you imprison this guy? He’s utterly gorgeous! I mean, sequester him in your house and rub him with salves? Try and quiet his disturbed heart? Sure. I can understand that. But slavery?

Before we get overly intellectual and begin to rocket philosophical loads, let’s just be honest. We freaked the fuck out in geek esctascy for a solid five moments. The moment you see the Statue through the Black Rock during the maelstrom, you shit your pants. And then when it’s launched into the air, you begin hyperventilating. And when you realize that the Black Rock is responsible for demolishing said Statue? Geektacular Euphoria.

And before you can clean your pants, Smokey attacks the Black Rock. Dudes getting flung and mashed and mushed into Cream O’ Human. I can’t help it, but every fucking time he attacks, I find it absolutely chilling. Even though his methodology is still the same, even though they’re always the same sounds, it never gets old to me. Richard’s petrified pleadings to God as Smokey hovers near him was amazing.

And then? Then Richard meets himself in the middle of the chess game between the Devil and God. Can we call it that now?

Our boy Richard is freed by the Man in Black, and sent to kill Jacob. The conversation eerily echoes that of the one between Dogen and Sayid earlier in the season; everything from not letting them speak, to the sword given to kill him. If anything, it’s got to be clear that both Smokey and Jacob are master manipulators, and to let either of them talk to you is to allow them to rock out some hardcore guile on your ass.

Smokey’s manipulation of Richard was reminiscent of his manipulation of Ben back at the end of season five. Seriously, this guy has a velvet tongue. What does the Devil do, if not cajole you into biting apples and doing other dumb shit under the guise of some grand reward, or some grand slight you have received?

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It seems that everyone knows my insane, unquenchable dicklust for Richard Alpert. Make no allusions when I state I’m madly in love with him. I know people are aware of this, because I’ve had several friends ask me

DUDE, ARE YOU STOKED FOR RICHARD TOMORROW?

To which I respond, fuck to the yeah.

Tomorrow night is an episode dedicated to Dicky “The Fucking Immortal” Alpert. We’re not worthy, but let us enjoy it anyways.

[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]

Hey Juliet! I like Juliet, a lot. Why, do you ask? Well, let me tell you. For starters, she’s a brilliant doctor who can speak Latin. She can handle a gun, she’s good with cars and she is headstrong. Also, she’s not a promiscuous whore like Julius Peppers With Freckles. And yes, if you really must insist: her cleavage is one of the reasons I pray to Odin every night and gave thanks for high-definition television. She is the belle of the Island, and yet everyone can’t seem to get over their dick-lust for Ole Linebacker Shoulders.

My fascination for Juliet really took off when you realize she’s some special uber-doctor recruited to mend the broken ovaries of lovely ladies on the Island. I mean, up until that point, she was just some beautiful doctor. Full of blond thunder and cavernous cleavage. But then she was recruited by the sexiest man ever, Richard Alpert, for a specific task. Make the shiznit in the ladies’ downlow on the Island start firing again. And also? This changed everything. For starters, it is the first time I can recall seeing the Others in a position of weakness.

For the longest time, they were just really creepy guys wearing beards and trying to kidnap Turniphead. They had an imposing presence. I always got the distinct impression that you didn’t fuck with these people: they were part of some traveling drama theater, complete with fake mustaches, and their equivalent of a guard dog was a ravenous Smoke Monster of doom. They had all the answers!

Except.

Except the the undercarriages of the ladies of the Others rotted at mind-blowingly fast rates. Like, really fast. Juliet checks out some wicked womb and ascertains that the woman is in her 70s. Wrong! Try 26! That’s some accelerated decrepitude. Like, Blade Runner quality rot.

It was interesting, because all of a sudden the Others didn’t seem so invincible. I mean, if they couldn’t reproduce, then what! Sure, they could keep bringing people from off the Island, but is that the answer? Wait, do they bring people from off the Island? Or is that Jacob? Or is Jacob really working with the Others? Or is that a trick?

Wait, fuck. God dammit, got myself into one of those LOST spirals. Did I mention that we don’t know anything about the show? Yeah, I think I did.

Anyways.

So the situation is really dire, you know? And Ben deploys the Right Hand of Awesome to the mainland for some recruiting. You know, the Mayor of Gotham. That’s right, Richard Alpert. He tantalizes Juliet with the possibility of working on the aforementioned rotting womb and uteral lining. Doctors are weird. If you asked me to stare at a rotting womb, I’d tell you to get the fuck out of my face. And then probably ask for the Youtube Link, but still.

The possibility gets Juliet’s own uteral regions quivering with excitement. Unfortunately, Juliet tells Alpy Pooh that she can’t because her ex-husband wouldn’t let her. I don’t know the deal with her ex-hubby, other than he is a complete douche, and also happens to be the head of the research facility where she works. What an asshole.

Alpert is all like, what would it take to get your beautiful eyes scanning the rotting wombs of our women? And Juliet comments she could totally do it if her husband was taken care of, like:

If he were hit by a bus, how ’bout that, that would work.

And you’re like, haha! So cheeky, Juliet. I knew you were beautiful and intelligent, but your wit! Oh, acerbic and dark! Marry me! I’ll print your picture out and keep it my boxer briefs! That’s right, I wear boxer briefs! You think that’s sexy? Yeah, me too. It hugs my bum, but it also shows off my gorgeous quadriceps. Oh Juliet!

And then the next day? That unappreciative dickbag that was her ex-husband but now is a pile of mush on the pavement gets mowed down by a bus. While bitching out Juliet, no less. Karmic karate kick a-go-go, baby!

I mean, Alpert and Ben really wanted Juliet. To the point of using some sort of voodoo to smash a bus into her meddling ex-husband. That’s true ultimate power. And also, it speaks to either their desperation or their coldness. Ultimately you find out that Juliet is taken to the Island, which turns out to be a little different than a remote facility. Because instead of doing research at a facility she’s stuck on an Island with deities and pissed off balls of smoke and hobbits. Talk about getting screwed on a deal.

It’s an interesting moment, because they realize the Others, or whoever the fuck the ragtag gang being led by Ben truly are, are not omnipotent. Or even really cool. As Ben lies in the hands of Jack who has to salvage his rotting spine – ironic that such a little shit has a broken spine – we’re shown the recruiting of Juliet to save the vaginas of the fairer sex populating the Island.