The dude behind cassette tapes, and by proxy an insane amount of good memories for people my age, has died. Dude’s name was Lou Ottens, and he passed away at the age of 94. What an absolutely glorious run, my dude. If I still had my copy of Metallica’s “Black Album” on tape, and fuck I wish I did, I’d crank it in your honor.

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Face it: you’re old. That’s what I tell myself as I stare into the abyss that is my ever-increasing forehead. As the hair recedes, all that is left is pale, shiny flesh that serves only to reflect past glories and hide regret within the ever-deepening recesses. This week sees two ‘retro’ collection releases from Capcom appearing on our shelves. The games I grew up with are now fit for re-packaging and retro bumper packs. It’s all getting too real. Still, it’s hard to feel sorry for myself when I’m smashing the collective face of the Mad Gear Gang with Mike Haggar’s iron pipe of justice (trademark pending).

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Parents back in 1991 were friggin’ cheesed off, man. They had just bought Johnny Snotnose his first Nintendo Entertainment System. And now here comes a new  console that all the kids will want. Well guess what Mr. and Mrs. Smith, that’s what your dumb asses get for being late adopters!

You know how I got my SNES? I cried at Child World when my grandma took me there right near launch. Oh, I’m a bitch? Yeah well I was the first kid in my grade playing Super Mario World. So fuck you.

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