This is about that time I found out that I had a hairy asshole. I remember it like it was seventeen years ago, which is to say I remember very little about it. It was a balmy summer night (I’m making this up), I was in an AOL chat room trying to cyber with anyone who would let a precocious fourteen year-old with a trigger-scrotum digitally ejaculate on them. Gender, age, ethnicity, religion, political creed, didn’t matter. 

(I’m making up about only 40% of this now.)

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Oh come off it. You know when you were a teenager, with your hormones giving you boners in Geometry class and your jacking off to .gifs you downloaded in AOL Chatrooms that you loved the speculation regarding the Thing’s cock. It was hilarious to you in Mallrats when the question was raised to Stan Lee.

Well, now old Stan has finally answered the question. Yes, the Thing’s cock is orange. Oh yeah, and he also talks about Reeds’ super hog.

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