This is a few days old, but I hope you’ll forgive me. For starters, I make it a point to take the weekends off from continual internet refreshing and posting. Consider it my downtime. Of course, the internet doesn’t sleep, and shit happens. And secondly, when I read this shit, I blacked-out. I woke up in a puddle of my own corn-heavy vomit. Just gallons and gallons of corn-filled puke. All over my body. My eyes were red, my mind was certain: there is no God.

Why? [Rumor] George Lucas is apparently making three more Star Wars movies.

Slashfilm:

IESB — who has been known to have connections at Lucasfilm in the past — is currently reporting that Lucas is “plotting to create” new Star Wars movies which would be released after the six three 3D re-releases and would take place far in the future, not relating to the Skywalkers. More after the jump? You bet we do.

In the IESB piece, they back up their source by informing readers that they broke the news of Revenge of the Sith’s PG-13 rating, the live action TV show as well as The Clone Wars show. They believe that’s enough to substantiate the rumor.

Specifically, they report that while working on the 3D conversions of the new films, which will begin in 2012 with Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Lucas “has gotten the itch.” He has “gotten motivated with the success the Clone Wars animated series, the video games and also with the success of Avatar.”

The sequels, not prequels, would not focus on the Skywalkers, but instead be set in the future. Same universe, but totally different story. By doing this, Lucas doesn’t have to fit pieces into a puzzle like he had to do with the prequels. And he has stated that that process was creatively constricting to him.

Well fuck me sideways, with an ignited lightsaber. You should have seen the look of pure terror when I told Pepsibones this news. He was fresh off a great weekend of drinking heavily and celebrating his birthday. It was a weekend of merriment. I almost felt guilt letting him know that in fact, our childhood was going to get spread, and fucked ruthlessly once more. His eyes darkened, and fear filled the parts of his soul he wished not to acknowledge existed. His innocence, which he had long thought dead, or at least outright denied.

Fuck George Lucas. Let me be clear about something. I don’t hate the idea of more Star Wars content in any form if it’s done right. I hate the idea of George Lucas making any more Star Wars content. If this rumor had “Del Toro” or “Spielberg” or “Jackson” or “Blomkamp” attached to it, I’d be losing my god damn shit with glee. It’s the fact that, if this is true, fat Lucas will be bumbling and raping his own mythos again. And that ladies and gentleman, makes me very, very afraid.

I have puke to wipe up.

MORE SEARCH ENGINE TERMS!

Today shows “Masturbation Cumshots” bringing people into our demented den. However, I’m more impressed   by “Lamictal Cured Me.”

I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME! Just kidding. It really does help. If I wasn’t on it, I wouldn’t be typing this. I’d be sleeping for the fifteenth hour, covered in crumbs, blood and depression. After Batman beat my invalid ass.