Oh hell yeah! We didn’t just get a reveal of Uncharted 3 today. We got a fucking teaser trailer. You know how BioWare and Rocksteady dropped teasers for their trailers that are being revealed at the Spike VGA? Naughty Dog is following suit. Ain’t nothing much to say.

Hit the jump for the fucking teaser for the Uncharted 3 trailer, dummy!

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The original Resistance? Justification for my first-wave purchase of my PlayStation 3. The sequel? An unremarkable journey through the universe. My hopes for the third game? Pretty fucking high. Insomniac Games always delivers the goods, and despite how unmemorable the third one was, I still enjoyed it.

These screens for the third game dropped, and as Luke Plunkett points out, they’re totally Half-Life 2 in their feeling. Tattered remains of humanity post-alien invasion? Check. Beautiful destruction? Check. That’s all straight though, Half-Life 2 is one of my favorite games of all time.

Resistance 3 would be so lucky as to be mentioned in the same breath as HL2. Hit the jump for the screens.

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An intrepid soul out there in the netherealms of the internet came looking for answers. Deep, philosophical answers. Namely, this soul wanted to know what was more dope ass for vaginal or anal penetration: the PlayStation Move, or a dildo. When I saw that question sitting unanswered in my Search Engine terms, I was flabbergasted. Why hadn’t I, fan of both dildos and anal play, considered this question for the ages.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t own a PlayStation Move or a dildo. Missing both of them to the detriment of my mortal life. So everything is pure speculation. I don’t know which I’ll own first, or if I’ll ever muster up the bravery to stick the Move into my butt (probably not, I’m scared of the little orb popping off), but should I buy either, I’ll update this space.

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Of all the games I want that are actually announced, Dead Space 2 is the one I’m sweating the most. The original was the best rendition of Event Alien Horizon Scientology ever. It scared the crap out of me while hooking deep into my gaming soul with its presentation, graphics, storyline, and most importantly gameplay.

I have no idea what Dead Space 2 is about. Watching this trailer though, it seems to be taking place in a crumbling futuristic city. Oh god, did they just infuse one of my favorite game’s sequels with futuristic cyberpunk wankery? It’s almost too good to be true.

Strap on a diaper if you’re a wimp like me, and hit the jump for the new trailer.

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God damn, I wish I was at PAX. Duke Nukem Forever is there, as his legions of my fellow geeks. I want to be basking in your musk and manipulating precious things with you. But I cannot. So I’m riding coat tails. Stephen Totilo over at Kotaku snapped a shit load of Duke Nukem Forever screens. They’re glorious. Hit the jump to check them out.

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Vanquish is silently sneaked up on my unsuspecting by gloriously gaping ass. Shit is coming stateside, washing up upon the shores of the Empire on October 19. But!, we’re getting a demo way before then. When, yo? The demo is droppin’ on PSN and XBL on August 31. That’s soon like woah.

I can’t wait to download the fucking demo, snort a couple of pixie sticks, punch myself in the groin, and scream in painful glee for the however-too-many-minutes-short demo this son of a bitch is going to be.

Insomniac Games have been bringing the fire for ages. Or at least like, ten years? Or something? Anyways, as much as I loved the first Resistance, I was pretty fucking meh about the sequel. Today they released the official live-action trailer for Resistance 3, and all is easily forgotten. Shit has got a quality vibe, and Insomniac has even publicly acknowledged the complaints regarding the second iteration. This all gets me several shades of pumped.

Hit the jump for the official trailer.

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Well, snap! I figured that when EA gobbled up BioWare, they’d be porting a cash cow like the Mass Effect series onto multiple consoles. But! But then Mass Effect 2 came and went on the 360 and nothin’ happened. Well, such sentiments were portentous, just took a bit longer than I expected. January, 2011, Mass Effect 2 comes to the fuggin’ Playstation 3.

Kotaku:

During the EA press conference at GamesCom in Cologne, Germany, BioWare’s Dr. Ray revealed that the second game in the Mass Effect series would hit the PlayStation 3 in January.

Is there anything else to say? It’s Mass Effect, and it’s coming to the PlayStation 3. Let’s hear us some cheers, PlayStation 3 owners!

UPDATE: The official press release for the PS3 edition includes the line: “The PlayStation 3 edition will include the full Mass Effect 2 game and hours of bonus content.” We’ve asked an EA spokesperson for clarification about whether that refers to new gameplay sequences or what.

Good news for all my scrub friends who only own a PS3. However, this shit could be bad fucking news for my wallet, if the PS3-port comes with anything resembling new content. Son of a fucking bitch! If there’s even a single new scenario, my fanboy ass is going to have to double-dip. Which means, they know that there are people like me out there, and it will in fact include marginal new content to rope me in.

Fuck. Hit the jump for the Playstation 3 teaser.

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I keep forgetting that Vanquish is coming out this year. And that makes me a lesser person. Straight-up lesser. But then things drop like this new trailer, and not only do I remember it is arriving this year, but I remember the priapismatic pain everything about the game induces in me. Perhaps I keep forgetting that Mikami’s new lovechild is arriving out of some sort of survival-mechanism-fail-safe. Should I continue to remember, I would shut down, incapable of functioning at such a high level of excitement.

Hit the jump to check out the latest trailer. Believe.

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Oh hey, check it out! It’s the PlayStation Move bundle! Well, let’s see what it has. Hm. A lame waggle-remote thing. That still can’t provide me with a masturbation simulation. And a sports game! Archery and shit! Why, this sounds like the same shit that was packaged four years ago! Nintendo Wii, and Wii Sports.

OMFG. If this was bizarro world, I’d be totally stoked right now.

Get it?!

It’s late.