God damn, they weren’t kidding. The first thirty minutes of God of War III are fucking insane. I can’t describe the scope of what’s going on. You’re running around on motherfucking Gaia, throwing down with Poseidon. Blood and thunder! Whipping around climbing Gaia, fighting the Lord of the Seas. It’s not so much the graphics, though they’re pretty spectacular. It’s the amount of shit going down on the screen. Epic clash? Hells to the yeah, fools.

The climax of the opening sequence is fucking absurd, yo. Kratos rips Posey out of the guts of some water manifestation of his might, and really just lays down an ass-whupping fit for the God of War. Props to whoever came up with the idea to convey the ass-kicking from the perspective of Poseidon. There’s a point at the end where you’re viewing Kratos through the eyes of Poseidon gouging his eyes out. As Kratos’ thumbs close-in on the dude, you can’t help but feel it some extent. It’s such a visceral idea, that I have to tip my cap to the boys at Santa Monica.

It seems as though this shit is legit. I have a suspicion that this game like all the other God of War titles prior, as well as the Uncharted games, is going to rip its hugest load far before the end of the game. How do you open a game up with such pomp and circumstance, without having a let down by the finale? I’m not sure it is possible.

So far though? Kratos is fucking deities’ eye-sockets with his fingers, to their doom.

Kratos is coming, and he’s fucking pissed. Still. He tried therapy once, but ended up just gouging the dude’s eye out and stamping it into mush. Wait, I think that was actually the thirteen-thousand cyclops he has run through in his travels. Either way.

I rocked out to the God of War III demo back in November and threw it aside with a resounding MEH! The graphics weren’t the second coming I was promised, and the gameplay was the same button-mashing, air-juggling bullshit that I had romped through in the first two games. Mind you, these were games I had enjoyed, but had already gotten my fill of.

Now though?

Now I’m fucking amplified, bro! How can I have a change of heart? Well, there’s a few reasons.

On a superficial level, apparently I wasn’t alone in thinking the graphics were less than mind-fucking in the demo. And better yet these emo complaints were addressed. For the actual game looks far more pimpin’ than the demo. There’s all sorts of complicated terms like Light Density Shadowing and Renderistic Manipulation of Polygonal Testicles and shit going on to explain why they look nicer. I don’t really care why, I’m just happy they do. I’m a superficial douchebag, okay? I got my HDTV, I got my 5.1 system, and I want a bass line so fiercely cranked through my subwoofer I void my bowls into my underpants willingly.

And secondly, let’s be honest. The God of War franchise has never been fantastic because of its base gameplay. The running around and smashing useless enemies thing never blew your pants off. Instead, what got your juices flowing all over your inner thighs were the action sequences. Whether it was fucking up the Hydra in the original game, or uh, doing something in the sequel, the games’ awesomeness were derived from the set pieces. The gameplay inbetween these sequences really don’t serve any purpose for me other than to guide me from one epic confrontation to the next.

Ain’t none of that found in the demo. Ain’t none. So while I was initially disappointed, I did some soul searching. And I came to the conclusion that while I found the regular gameplay highly repetitious, I always had. Realizing this in my heart of hearts, I came to the conclusion that there would certainly be the sort of sequences in the game that had blown me away in the previous two. I had to chill out, man. I had to relax.

This has all been confirmed by people who have gotten to play the game already. What a bag of dicks, those lucky ones. The general consensus is that the game is insane, and the first level will force-fuck your awesome gland until it’s flinging fluids everywhere. All the reviews gleam, I already informed FFXIII we were going to take a quick break, and I’m ready to rock at midnight.

Caught this promo picture. I’m totally sold on Playstation Move now. Why? Well, it’s simple! We have these two rejects from an Old Navy ad. And they’re swinging around Super-Future-Dildos, accompanied by that awesome effect Fox used for a while on hockey games. I want dildos with pink motion blur, god dammit!

I already thought it was creepy how hyper-sexualized Vanille is in Final Fantasy XIII. Then tonight, I noticed something. Every time Vanille casts a spell, she sounds like a Japanese porn actress. Like, no, really. I’m not making that up. And worst of all? I don’t really enjoy it. I find it unsettling.

This has to do with the fact that Japanese porn actresses always sound like eleven year-old girls getting fucked by their gym teacher in porn scenes. High-pitched, slightly resigned yelps. It’s freaking me the fuck out. It’s enough to get me to not enjoy Japanese porn, which is a feat considering I’m a fucking pervert. And it’s also enough to make me really uncomfortable playing as her in Final Fantasy XIII. Every time I cast Fira, it sounds like a fucking girl is getting molested.

Oh shit! One week until Bayonetta sensually brushes up onto these shores. Are your genitals engorged? Are they swollen for non-stop climax action? I friggin’ hope so! I have a whole god damn plate of video games I haven’t finished yet, but it doesn’t matter. I want to climax, baby. CLIMAX. They’ll be discarded like the underwear I’m going to cheese with love when I finally slide this in. See what I did there? LOL! Fuck you.

This game has taken on a life of its own over here at Omega Level. I can’t even tell you how many hits we get a day for search terms like:

Bayonetta shits her own leather undies
Bayonetta sex
Bayonetta booty shorts

It’s sort of spiraled into its own bizarre fascination for me, and plus, you know, it gets me cheap hits. A bunch of horny nerds, cocks or clits in hand, ready to rub one out to Mrs. Gunshoes. It’s become a recurring joke born out a general excitement I have for the game. Again, it’s like, Devil May Cry starring a babe with gorgeous cleavage, glasses, and leather. Kamiya is playing on every visceral overtone in our animalistic bones. Well played, sir.

One week. You guys can make it.

Hey geeks, what the fuck are you fans of? Deep cleavage, maybe? Oh, you know I’m right? How about spells? You know, CAST FIRE and shit? I’m double right. How about side-portions of breasts?

Now guess what! What if I told you there was a game coming out that had tons of deep cleavage, spells and swords and shit, and side-portions of breasts? You’d probably immediately start laughing at me. Saying oh Ian, you fucking dreamer. Clearly nothing, nothing could contain all of this awesomeness!

Well guess what, you derisive assholes! How about Final Fantasy XIII!!!!

Via the ESRB through Destructoid (with my own added emphasis throughout):

Cutscenes occasionally depict female characters dressed in revealing outfits: Holographic dancers — clad in bikini tops, skimpy leotards, and backless chaps — glide above the city during a festivity performance; flying-motorcycle models wear skin-tight tops that expose FUCKING deep cleavage. And during one elaborate sequence, a female character transforms from a crystal statue back to her human form — sparkle effects,  camera  panning, and shimmering lights partially obscure the nude character, though side-portions of her SUPPLE, GORGEOUS, AROUSING breasts are visible (fleeting–one-to-two seconds).

I’m sure there’s going to be tons of tight buttocks and deep pectoral cleavage for those who also enjoy the male persuasion such as myself. I mean, have you seen Snow’s pecs? They’re enormous. They look like enormous gloating continents of muscle, rippling at you, winking, wanting you to want them. And how can you say no? Can you? I’m sure you can’t.

Swords, dudes with huge pectorals, deep cleavage, totally awesome spells, Bahamut, epic strife and confrontation, like, other cool stuff. I know you’re sweating it. Hold my hand, we’ll endure the wait together.

Oh shit, chocobos have turned thirteen. And just like a teenager, chocobos have grown fucking huge, and sport amazing, cheesy mohawks. I fucking dig their new look. They’re goddamn enormous, they dwarf the baddies seen in this scan, and they cum in their pants while they sleep. I may have made that last part up. They actually cum in the hay in the barns they sleep in. Click the picture for the entire scan.

I downloaded and played through the God of War III demo last night, and I was left with a resounding MEH. Hollered from the mountains, down onto the cowering PS3 sitting in the cower of my room. It asked me, Ian, what’s wrong? And I shouted at it, You have underwhelmed the fuck out of me! I was actually thinking of picking up the GoW collection just to play this thing. Wow, I’m fucking glad I didn’t.

First off – this demo is by no means bad. If you liked GoW or GoW II, then you know exactly what to expect out of this bad boy.

And maybe that’s the problem for me.

Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, the tricky lord and the binds he puts me in. My Bayonetta lust is well documented. Not just for the hottie, but for the game itself. Well, it comes out today in Japan. And in the Empire? We’re not getting it until January 29, 2009. Which is fucking awful for me. Why, you ask? For starters, Mass Effect 2 comes out. And secondly, I’m going to be smack dab in the beginning of the semester. Awful situation? Sure. Sort of.

And then yesterday I found out that the Playstation 3 version isn’t just going to be region free, everything is going to be in fucking English. Holy shit! I don’t know what happened that the good lord smiled upon me like that. Except he did it with a wink. Even though I could play it on my PS3, and even though it’s in English, I hesitate.

Why?

Because it’s the PS3 version.

Don’t groan, I ain’t even hating. It’s been well-documented that Kamiya and Platinum Games have very little to do with the port to the PS3. Like, almost nothing. In fact, it was the 360 version that received the perfect score in Famitsu, while the PS3 lagged behind by a couple of points.

So here’s the bind: Do I snag the PS3 version from Japan, early? Or do I wait until I can get the “perfect” version in January for the 360?

Let’s be honest, there’s no way that the PS3 is vastly inferior. It scored only two less points that the 360 version (a 38 as opposed to a 40), which indicates it is at least in the same ballpark. And I mean, Jesus Christ, it’s in full English! How the fuck can you beat that? The alternative is waiting until January. Three days after Mass Effect 2, in the middle of a semester, and like, two weeks before Bioshock 2. Why the fuck is the winter becoming the new late Fall as far as video game releases? Not even cool bros, not even cool.

Speaking of the Fall, even the Japanese release is ill-timed for my gaming habits. I’ve barely touched Borderlands, I’m stuck in the crack habit that is WoW. And then there’s Modern Warfare 2, Left 4 Dead 2, Ratchet and Clank, Assassin’s Creed II, et cetera, et cetera. In fact, while I was initially indignant about the lack of a simultaneous release   – no, not Bayonetta and myself, duh! – it sort of makes sense. It would have been buried under the glut of other titles poppin’ off.

Still, it’s hard to rationalize waiting. Bayonetta is sitting out there for me. Right now. She’s beckoning. She’s wearing leather and booty shorts and swimsuits! For me! No seriously, I got an e-mail for me. It said:

Dear Ian,

I’ve been released. Now it’s time for you to open me up, and do a little releasing of your own.

xoxoxo,

Bay-bee.

That’s what she asks me to call her when we’re making love on the astral plane. And I do.

Further proof that Japan is awesome? This fucking marketing scheme:

Via Kotaku:

With the game days away from release in Japan, the SEGA Bayonetta marketing blitz continues. The latest are large posters in Shinjuku Station’s with fliers than can be pulled off.

Giant ass posters out in the public, that encourage people to yank off Bayonetta fliers to reveal the babe underneath? This is fucking brilliant. Especially when it yields this:

Seriously. I don’t really have any other words. How ridiculously fucking awesome is this? I need to create a Bayonetta category, because really all I want to talk about is this game. And her. Oh sweet her. Listen, it’s not like I’m obsessed with her. But I’d dump Too Good For Me Girlfriend in a second for her. Just kidding baby. Wink, wink.