It’s eerie to waltz around a world I’ve seen in trailers on and off since 2011. Eerie and awe-inspiring. Columbia is another City 17; avid gamers will hopefully feel happy to hear me draw the comparison.

There’s been so much said about the game, both from two years’ worth of previews and advance (groan) exclusive reviews over the past week. I won’t waste your time with fluff; here are some (spoiler-free) thoughts from my five-hour foray into Columbia so far.

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Ken Levine. I wank off to your philosophical wanderings and universal construction in BioShock. You are a good man. Full of win. Now you’re further full of win, and uh, a gooder man with your latest musings on PS Move.

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An intrepid soul out there in the netherealms of the internet came looking for answers. Deep, philosophical answers. Namely, this soul wanted to know what was more dope ass for vaginal or anal penetration: the PlayStation Move, or a dildo. When I saw that question sitting unanswered in my Search Engine terms, I was flabbergasted. Why hadn’t I, fan of both dildos and anal play, considered this question for the ages.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t own a PlayStation Move or a dildo. Missing both of them to the detriment of my mortal life. So everything is pure speculation. I don’t know which I’ll own first, or if I’ll ever muster up the bravery to stick the Move into my butt (probably not, I’m scared of the little orb popping off), but should I buy either, I’ll update this space.

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Oh hey, check it out! It’s the PlayStation Move bundle! Well, let’s see what it has. Hm. A lame waggle-remote thing. That still can’t provide me with a masturbation simulation. And a sports game! Archery and shit! Why, this sounds like the same shit that was packaged four years ago! Nintendo Wii, and Wii Sports.

OMFG. If this was bizarro world, I’d be totally stoked right now.

Get it?!

It’s late.

[pixelation | weekly gaming column every wednesday]

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If I twist my body with the Kinect, the ladies dance. If I tilt my body with the Kinect, the cars swerve. If I give the Kinect the finger, will it also tell me to go fuck myself?

Do you know what’s easier than voice activating something? Pushing a button. Do you know what’s easier than flipping through menus with your hands? Pushing a button. Do you know what’s easier than motion controls? Finger controls.

The thing I like(d) about video games was that they used to let me escape my flabby, flaccid body. I didn’t have to be aware of the extra weight I carried in my arms, and I didn’t have to be aware of my jowls when I banked around a corner in Crazy Taxi.

I was a fat teenager, and video games were escape. Hopping and shaking and tilting and whirling, all these actions draw me out of the immersive environment. They make me all too aware of my shitty, stinky, corporeal shell. My fat meat husk, the thing which I am trying to escape.

With video games I’m trying to travel to worlds all too far away. All too unreal. All too beautiful to exist within this world. I’m trying to travel to places where aliens are real, mushrooms make you grow, and space exploration isn’t a pipe dream for lead feet mouthbreathers

I’m trying to escape. Not pivot and perform ballet.

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Caught this promo picture. I’m totally sold on Playstation Move now. Why? Well, it’s simple! We have these two rejects from an Old Navy ad. And they’re swinging around Super-Future-Dildos, accompanied by that awesome effect Fox used for a while on hockey games. I want dildos with pink motion blur, god dammit!

I own this dumb shit already. It’s called my Wii. It sits unused gathering dust while I use two systems that aren’t predicated on gimmicky motion control bullshit. The only time I want to be furiously working my wrists is when I’m pleasuring myself or a partner. I’m going to probably end up buying this anyways. Oh well.