Did you know that Chinese gaming company Tencent is the largest gaming company in the world? I sure as fuck didn’t. But, the company has increased their reach yet again, investing in PlatinumGames.

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Man, fuck! I was sweating Platinum Games’ next title, Scalebound. Well, lo and behold I’ll be sweating the fucking title for Eternity. Why? The son of a bitch has been cancelled.

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OH SHIT! Platinum Games with an XB1 exclusive? That’s the sort of thing that gets my jaded, XB1-neglecting ass to pay attention. It’s totally Devil May Cry Over Dragons or some shit, but whatever. Platinum Games don’t usually let me down. And any exclusive I can get quasi-pumped for is enough. Is that…is that sad? The level my expectations have been lowered to by E3?

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E3 is coming, and before it arrives it seems intent on dropping mad trailers on our skulls. Mad trailers! (Suburban hustle right here) The latest game to get a trailer is Metal Gear Rising: You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me That’s Not A Word, and the trailer itself seems pretty fucking awful. I love it.

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[pixelation | weekly gaming & life column every wednesday or uh thursday or even more uh, friday]

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Oh god dammit. I was curious yesterday as to how my gaming schedule was going to look this Fall. I knew that Vanquish and Fallout: New Vegas were dropping close to one another. I just wasn’t sure how close. And that shit is integral for a variety of reasons. Namely, money and time. It seems like a lot of bullshit comes down to money and time.

So I cue up Gamestop.

Flip between the two pages.

And that’s when I realize that I’m fucking fucked in the fuckhole.

Son of a bitch!

Why do the gaming gods hate me so? Droppin’ two of my favorite games on the same day? Not only is it monetarily Super Rape Time to even contemplate getting the two games on the same day, but it’s also completely impossible to consider squeezing any sort of Super Action Mech Time into my Wasteland wandering. Son of a bitch!

…Motherfuckers, too. If this was last year I’d just pick them up on the same day, and watch as my backlog swells while my wallet diminishes. Don’t tell my girlfriend or parents, but I think I’ve shown some maturity in realizing something: I need to pick one and put off the other. I think I may be evolving. I mean, let’s not go crazy, I’m probably going to publish this article and then go masturbate before playing two hours of Modern Warfare 2.

But hey man, progress is slow.

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Vanquish is silently sneaked up on my unsuspecting by gloriously gaping ass. Shit is coming stateside, washing up upon the shores of the Empire on October 19. But!, we’re getting a demo way before then. When, yo? The demo is droppin’ on PSN and XBL on August 31. That’s soon like woah.

I can’t wait to download the fucking demo, snort a couple of pixie sticks, punch myself in the groin, and scream in painful glee for the however-too-many-minutes-short demo this son of a bitch is going to be.

I keep forgetting that Vanquish is coming out this year. And that makes me a lesser person. Straight-up lesser. But then things drop like this new trailer, and not only do I remember it is arriving this year, but I remember the priapismatic pain everything about the game induces in me. Perhaps I keep forgetting that Mikami’s new lovechild is arriving out of some sort of survival-mechanism-fail-safe. Should I continue to remember, I would shut down, incapable of functioning at such a high level of excitement.

Hit the jump to check out the latest trailer. Believe.

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I’m extremely fucking stoked for Vanquish. The shit is the first game from Shinji Mikami, creator of Resident Evil, and executive producer of pretty much everything awesome and Capcom: Devil May Cry, Dino Crisis, Viewtiful Joe, and the SNES version of Aladdin. This is his first game for Platnium Games, the studio that brought us Bayonetta. If you were within the OL halls last spring, you’d know that I like Bayonetta. A smidge. And after finding out last week we’re getting the game this year!, the only thing that could make me more excited is praise from over gaming heroes of mine. Well, here we go!

via destructoid:

Insomniac Games loves Vanquish, apparently, with one developer calling its “Gears of War on crack.” Three staffers named Platinum Games’ exciting cover-based shooter as they favorite E3 title, and considering how awesome it is, I can hardly blame them!

“It’s a brilliant technical showpiece from the creator of the original Resident Evil and the director of Resident Evil 4 — my favorite game of all time,” says community specialist Paul Featherstone. “It plays like Gears of War on crack and looks absolutely gorgeous.

“Platinum is knocking it out of the park after Bayonetta — hopefully we will see more frequent high-quality releases from them in the next few years.”

Hell to the yes. I want me some super-psycho, over-the-top, Gears of War on crack. Yes please.

[source]

OMFGEjaculate.