The turnaround time on the next Gears of War joint is significantly mitigated in comparison to previous entries. Get ready to rock out prequel stylee early next year.

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[Alright, so check it. This review is by The Faux Bot and originally written for Mad Gear Solid. When I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to finish the game in time, I asked him if he’d want to syndicate his shit. He said yes. Faux Bot is a genius, scholar, and friend of the site. He’s also funnier than me, and Mad Gear Solid is our spiritual twin from over on the other site of the pond. So go to fucking Mad Gear Solid, or die by a flaming sword draped in profanity and hate.]

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Here is a list of some words that make me think of Bulletstorm; squelch, slam, gush, firework, meat, erupt, anal, cavity, spurt, squish, rupture, forced, insertion, sack, giblets, cram, innards, gullet, crunch, drill, impale, tear, bore, flesh, sever, penetrate. These are but a few, however, they perfectly illustrate the amusing meta-game that I’ve created inside my juvenile mind. I like to re-arrange the words as you would with those amusing novelty fridge magnets —you know the kind- so that I can make deliciously witty and outrageous phrases that help me to decide on how to orchestrate my upcoming blood-bath.FORCIBLY INSERT ANAL DRILL and it’s done.

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This, my friends, is just another moment in the greatest gaming marketing campaign of all time. The dudes behind Bulletstorm have released a playable Call of Duty parody. For free. Right here. Download it. It’s fucking hilarious. It features a rather amazing deconstruction of the Call of Duty formula, through the mouths of all the cliched cats you come across in the game. I love me some Call of Duty, but I was fudging me cheeks while rocketing through the four minutes.

Don’t want to download it? Hit the jump for a video of the parody.

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Oh Bulletstorm. For a while, I loved you from afar. Your juvenile swagger spoke to me. Now, you’re getting closer and closer. I played the demo. You delivered. The distance that keeps us apart? Almost unbearable.

Today another video dropped, this time showing the Skillshot, the Gang Bang. Oh yeah man, the glory of this game will be known. Known well.

Hit the jump for the video.

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When I take up a cause, I do it full on. Over-the-top and out of control. If you’ve been poking around these parts lately, you know that I have undergone total dickcrush mode for Bulletstorm. Childish, juvenile, and embracing every fucking moment of it. The demo dropped today, and I was fucking stoked. As I downloaded that shit, I threw up a psalm or two dozen to whatever Vaporous Deity wanted to pay attention to me.

Dear Netherworld Otherbeings, please let this game fucking rock.

Sometimes, motherfuckers hear your prayer.

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If anyone were to describe Bulletstorm as juvenile retarded crap, I would respond by saying, “Seriously, I know. It’s going to be tremendous.” I respect the fuck out of Epic Games and People Can Fly by embracing the retarded juvenile Rob Liefeld wet dream that this game is, and marketing the fuck out of it that way. I don’t know how many trailers I’ve seen where the main character says something like “combos that will make your butthole pucker.”

If I had to guess, I’d say: not enough.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

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I was pretty certain that Bulletstorm was the video game equivalent of my soul mate. Now I’m fucking certain. The ESRB released their description of the game, and it is filled with all the wonders and horrors that could come out of my caffeine-soaked skull should I be conjuring my most whimsical desire. Take it away ESRB, you assholes!

During the course of the game, players can consume alcohol and kill enemies in order to receive an Intoxicated Skillshot; the screen turns blurry during these sequences. The dialogue contains numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts, venereal diseases, and having sex with one’s mother.

Alright, we’re already on our way to a juvenile fluid-fest of my most fervent nocturnal emissions. But it gets better. Take it away, puerile masters!

The names of some Skillshots are infused with sexual innuendo (e.g., Gag Reflex, Rear Entry, Drilldo, Mile High Club); one Skillshot (i.e., Fire in the Hole) allows players to shoot at enemies’ exposed buttocks.

It’s official. This game is offensive. Awesome. Juvenile. Awesome. Insane. Awesome. I can’t fucking wait.

Via.