A goddamn boatload of Borderlands 2 news dropped yesterday at PAX East. It is a mighty good thing I wasn’t there, for I would have dropped trousers and charged the stage. In my culture, nothing conveys excitement like a stinky little penis head being rubbed on the chair of whomever has done you right. But uh yeah, here is the info.

Read the rest of this entry »

God damn, I wish I was at PAX. Duke Nukem Forever is there, as his legions of my fellow geeks. I want to be basking in your musk and manipulating precious things with you. But I cannot. So I’m riding coat tails. Stephen Totilo over at Kotaku snapped a shit load of Duke Nukem Forever screens. They’re glorious. Hit the jump to check them out.

Read the rest of this entry »

A good god damn! I’m pretty fucking stoked about Duke Nukem Forever being resurrected. And as impressions are trickling in from PAX today, it’s become evident that The Duke is as absurd, ridiculous, sexist, and filthy as ever.

In other words, I’m excited. Let’s go through some of the utter absurdity found in the demo.

Kotaku:

The demo starts with a first person view of the urinal. You can make Duke urinate as much as you want. The wait is over!

Cue the Duke Nukem Forever logo and a camera pulls back to show that Duke, in first-person, was playing a video game. He’s got a gold Xbox 360 controller with the face buttons re-named as D, U, K and E. There’s a busty lady in a schoolgirl outfit near the bottom of your first-person view. And there’s a second one. One stands up and wipes her mouth.

P.S. The trailer being shown behind closed doors for the game includes strippers and a three breasted giant monster. Of the latter, Duke says, “Hell, I’d still hit it.”

Blowjobs, metatextual references to a game within a game, three-breasted monsters, and enormous guns. This game was designed by some sort of Dimension X version of me, where I can crunch math and program video games. Of this I am certain.

It was rumored, and now it’s confirmed. Duke Nukem Forever is going to hit the stands. When? I don’t know, but it’s really going to happen. The white whale of my teenage years, into my early adulthood, after being canceled, has been saved. By those talented motherfuckers at Gearbox Studios. It’s almost surreal. I’m going full-on purple priapism over this.

Kotaku:

2K Games has made it official. Duke Nukem Forever is alive and, well, in the hands of developer Gearbox Software, confirming our earlier reports that the Borderlands studio was helping to complete the game’s absurdly long development cycle.

The publisher announced this morning in advance of PAX 2010 that Gearbox Software was on the job, picking up where developer 3D Realms left off. Gearbox plans to ship the game within the next year, according to a report from the Wall Street Journal–the WSJ says both “next year” and “currently expected to ship in 2010.”

I am weeping uproariously at this prospect. It’s something out of fanboy wet dreams. Like, what are the chances that a classic 1990’s gaming franchise is pronounced dead after a god damn decade, only to be revived by one of the more prominent and popular gaming studios of the past few years?

It’s a beautiful world.

That awful scent wafting off of the guy wearing the Stratovarius shirt at the next convention you go to may stink of something different. No, that’s not unwashed ass you smell, it may in fact be death. Muwahaha!

The H1N1 flu, aka as Mrs. Piggy’s Strand of Expiration apparently showed up at PAX last weekend:

Via Kotaku:

The official PAX Twitter account wrote today “Just heard of our first test-confirmed swine flu case at the show. PLEASE if you feel symptoms (fever, etc) go to the doctor.” That’s potentially alarming news for the approximately 60,000-plus estimated attendees of this year’s. We contacted Penny Arcade reps to get more details on the reports of Swine Flu.

The Nerd Community’s equivalent of the Bubonic Plague may have just struck. Take some theraflu, see your doctor, and spend a couple days in your dungeon of choice.