#June2014
E3 2014: ‘MARIO MAKER’ Trailer: Get your Miyamoto on
Mario Maker is a quirky little batch of interesting that Nintendo revealed to the Gaming Masses today. The title is going to empower all of our asses to go ahead and get our Level Designer on. It’s fun, but not for me. I can’t go thirty-seconds without succumbing to my ADHD. I typically snap out of the fugue state to find myself covered in peanut butter and tears, with the animals hissing at me from the corner.
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‘CANDY CRUSH’ outgrosses ALL NINTENDO GAMES COMBINED in Q1
Candy Crush outgrossed Nintendo in Q1. Outgrossed an entire company. I don’t want to dump on Nintendo, especially since I’m sweating Mario Kart 8 so hard. Someone. Just send me your Wii U. I’ll reciprocate by sending you toe nail clippings, and three already-worn (to the gym, bed, and the sewer) Star Wars t-shirts. Anyways, yeah. I don’t want to dump on Nintendo, so let’s frame this as an example of how goddamn staggering the mobile gaming market has become.
Japanese Prime Minister thinks country can learn from Super Mario.
Listen, I think we can all learn from Super Mario. Eat shrooms. Trip balls. Grow larger on the Astral Plane. However Japan’s Prime Minister thinks their nation can learn in a different manner from the country.
Uh. Nintendo is eyeing the HEALTH MARKET for new platform.
Despite what this site and many others (we’re stupid together!) reported a couple of days ago, Nintendo emphatically denied taking their software to other consoles. Sort of. I mean when Nintendo president Iwata says the company “will use smart devices to attract customers to its hardware”, it feels like we’re delving into Obi-Wan speak. How are you going to use phones to entice customers? Demos, perhaps? Who knows. Vagaries like a fucking whirlwind. What do we know about the company? Well, it appears that their next move is…into the health market?
Nintendo releasing “free mini-games” on phones. The inevitable approaches?
Nintendo’s releasing free mini-games on phones. Now, now. They’re mini-games, okay? Don’t go thinking they’re demos. Even though they’re short little games that are intended to get you to buy full games. Okay? Totally not demos. That sort of insanity would go against Nintendo’s pretty staunch stance against releasing titles on the mobile tip.
After crap console sales, Nintendo “thinking about a new business structure.”
I want Nintendo to succeed because Nintendo is woven into the very fabric of who I am. Their games sculpted this rotting psycho-carcass that is lodged in my cranium. That said, I have’t bought a Wii U. I even want one, but I haven’t been able to get myself there. Already got too many consoles. Only so many HDMI ports. Spoiled geek problems.
NINTENDO ROCKED by BIGGEST STOCK SHARE DROP in over two years.
Nintendo’s stock has suffered its biggest drop in two years. Apparently it has nothing to do with the fact that no one is buying their Wiii-2, and everything to do with like speculation…that it was going to be promoted…in something… and stuff. Stuff way over my head. Like most things.
BETHESDA VP OF PR: NINTENDO’S time to convince publishers about WII U is LIKE WAY PASSED
Sorry Nintendo Friends. (And listen, I’ll end up buying a Wii U at some point because of Mario Nebula or whatever, so it isn’t like I hate the company.) That huge third-party push that you’ve been waiting for the Wii U to receive is probably never going to happen. According to the VP Czar of Bethesda’s Propaganda Branch, the window during which Nintendo could have convinced publishers to come to their last-next-somewhere generation system has closed.
Nintendo president calls PS4, XBOX ONE launch line-ups “MEH.”
This is amazing. Reggie Something-Such has spent the last year seeing his Wii U largely forgotten by the world. But that ain’t stopping him from throwing around some disparaging remarks about his competition. When asked what he thought of the Xbox One and PS4 line-ups, duder dropped a “meh.”
OUCH: NINTENDO sold 160,000 WII U CONSOLES in THE WORLD last quarter.
Buh-buh-buh, it’s a tablet as a controller! How can you peons not understand the irrefutable awesomeness that is an over-priced under-powered peripheral masquerading as a console? Fools! Invalids!
