Patty Jenkins was totally going to direct Thor 2. Now she’s totally not going to. The reversal of directing fortunes has cheesed off Black Swan herself, Ms. Natalie Portman.
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Ladies and gentlemen and swine, I’m pleased to introduce Chris Goodwin. Chris and I first started writing criticism together when we spawned RobotBitesMan in early 1984. All self-loathing and cynicism aside, Chris is the reason movie reviews should still be read today.

Anyone with fingers and eyes can publish their movie reviews online, but finding someone with passion nowadays is seriously hard to find. Everyone is (or acts like they’re) so jaded and writes these miserable, pre-destined reviews. And believe me, Chris has every reason to be jaded. He’s seen every beloved horror franchise he grew up with “revamped” but despite the river of crap, he remains excited to see new flicks. That’s fucking rare nowadays.

So without further whatever, here’s Chris’ review of THOR. Oh crap. Did I forget to mention that Chris adorned himself in his personal Asgard armor for the film? Well I just did. Bow down, pussies.

Here’s a THOR review from the mouth of someone you should be reading a THOR review from: someone who loves movies and loves THOR.

I know what you’re thinking.   “This guy has problems.”   Well, if by problems you mean a strong desire to be awesome, then you’re correct.   Not many people have the balls to fully embrace something they love to the extent that I do, and that’s a shame.   Why wouldn’t you want to absorb might, strength, and power into your daily lives?   The Norsemen had the right idea, so grow a pair and live life the Viking way!   MARVEL studios has been doing just that, and THOR is all the proof you need.

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Marvel has released a fucking plethora of new movie screens from the upcoming ‘Thor.’ It’s a sexy collection of bearded gods, sizzling goddesses, and some neat behind the scenes stuff. A fucking shit ton, man! Hit the jump, check out the pictures, and uh, stuff.

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Marvel dropped some a new poster and banner for the upcoming Thor movie. Oh Thor, you bearded stud.

Hit the jump for these babies.

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Marvel has released a couple of new official images from the Thor movie, and goodness me am I gooey over this flick. I can’t tell who I find sexier, Natalie Portman or Chris Hemsworth. My girlfriend and I release simultaneous sighs of appreciation whenever we catch a Thor trailer, and she said during the Super Bowl debut that she would be okay if I left her for him.

I’m in the clear!

Also in here are a bunch of hilariously awful character photos. Completely out of context bullshit shots with awful photoshop in the background. These photos are destined to adorn shitty posters in Hot Topic and school folders.

Hit the jump for the full load.

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Natalie Portman is pregnant and engaged to some choreographer. But before she transforms into a fat housewife she was nice enough to pose topless for this Miss Dior perfume ad. Consider this the final testament of how awesome she used to be. I guess Harvard doesn’t teach you that kids ruin everything.

[caution: the following post is a narrative analysis of BLACK SWAN. as such, it’s filled with spoilers, half-baked jib-jab, and words that even a thesaurus shouldn’t contain. proceed at your own risk]

Walking out of Black Swan, I knew that I was impressed. The one hundred and three minutes of celluloid that had just flashed before me were not only visually appealing (and I’ll be goddamned if you don’t think it’s eye-candy) but bursting at the thematic seams.

It’s a layered work – an adaptation of Swan Lake in which a ballet company reimagines Swan Lake. Yes, that’s right. There’s sexual tension, the tug-and-pull between repression and reckless liberation. Body image issues arise, as self-mutilation and bulimia make both subtle and palpable appearances. And for good measure, a heaping of parental expectation is thrown in, reminding the audience that even the most brilliant of feats can lose their shimmer when serving as vicarious fulfillment.

It’s all in Black Swan. All that and more, in fact. But what struck me as most compelling about Aronofsky’s fifth feature is that it serves as a warning to those in pursuit of a goal. No, I don’t think Black Swan is telling the audience to relish in apathy, aspiring for nothing and thereby achieving everything desired. But I do think that the movie is pursing its lips next to the ear of the aspirant individual, whispering, “Look at yourself — is this what you want?”

Because without even knowing it, even the purest of feather can become sullied and despoiled.

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When it was reported that Darren Aronofsky was in talks to helm Superman, Natalie Portman was getting thrown around as a potential Lois Lane. Well, when Zack SLOW MOTION TITTY FUCK Snyder took the helm, I dismissed those reports. Well, apparently all is not lost as far as those rumors.

io9:

Although she’ll stay on as producer, both Natalie Portman and director David O. Russell have both left Pride Prejudice & Zombies due to scheduling conflicts. Thus escalating the rumors that Portman will be Lois Lane in Zack Snyder’s Superman.

Well then! Cool enough. I really like Portman, so much so that I forgive her for participating in the Holocaust of my Childhood. While I don’t exactly see Lois Lane when I look at her, I also consider two things. First, I have no idea what constitutes “looking like Lois Lane” anymore, but I know that Kate Bosworth wasn’t particularly it. And secondly, she’s a great actress, and whatever inexplicable visceral reaction I have can be dissuaded through her performance.