#September2013
New ‘GRAVITY’ Trailer: Space Abandonment Is Gorgeous
Who knew that being thrown into Oblivion could be so gorgeous? A new trailer for Gravity has dropped, and with each passing morsel I become more ravenous for the whole fucking meal. Food metaphors! Yeah! It totally isn’t 7 o’clock at night. I’m totally not writing this on an empty stomach. A gut so full of nothingness, why it could be interpreted as a cynic’s view of the Cosmos. (What the fuck does that even mean?) Eh whatever hit the jump for the trailer and ignore me. The hungry guy.
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‘DIVERGENT’ TRAILER: A HUNGER GAME BY ANY OTHER NAME
Here is a trailer for Divergent, a flick starring The Girl From Descendants and based off of a YA novel. It pretty much looks like The Hunger Games, but it doesn’t star J-Law. Which means that I am roughly 3,000% less interested. Will I see it? Probably.
‘HER’ TRAILER: Spike Jonze’s Lovable Operating System
Didn’t even know about this odd, quirky, totally right up my indie sensibilities (that I rigorously deny). I look forward to probably blowing snot bubbles.
New ‘STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS’ TEASER TRAILER: Oh my god, feel my nipples.
Oh Jesus Christ, my nipples are hard. Touch them. Feel their rigidity. Actually, don’t. They’re prone to cut you. Just watch this trailer instead.
‘MAN OF STEEL’ TEASER TRAILER: I hate that I don’t hate this.
I caught this Man of Steel trailer prior to my viewing of Dark Knight Rises, and now it is online for the rest of the world to see. My main problem with this teaser trailer is that I actually find it enjoyable. This can only be setting me up for the inevitable disappointment of experiencing yet another Zack Snyder flick. Right? Fuck, I hope I’m wrong.
‘THE MASTER’ THEATRICAL TRAILER: The Theta levels are strong with this one.
Wondering like me how you’re going to make sense of a post-Dark Knight Rises world? Hang your hat on the fact that this Fall this son of a bitch awaits us.
‘TAKEN 2’ INTERNATIONAL TRAILER: Liam Neeson Goes Full Wolverine
In this trailer, Liam Neeson tells his daughter played by Maggie Legs for Days Grace that he’s going to do what he does best. Presumably he is referring to his outstanding capacity for death dealing, and I can’t imagine something that would make more sense than Neeson playing Wolverine at this point. They cannot both be the best at ass-whupping, it is a paradox with a simple fix.
NEW ‘DARK KNIGHT RISES’ FULL LENGTH TRAILER: Wayne Is Totally Angry
Hey folks! Do you want a new full-length trailer for Dark Knight Rises? Of course you do!
‘RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION’ TRAILER: Delectable Fecaltainment
Resident Evil: Retribution is something like the thirty-ninth installment in this wonderfully asstacular series. The trailer for the flick features everything you’ve come to expect from the franchise, from the awful dialogue to the over-the-top action sequence. Day one, man. Day one!
‘ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER’ RED BAND TRAILER: Yes. Yes, Please.
Abraham Lincoln: Undead Douche Committee is a fictionalized version of an already fictionalized version of whatever sort of objective life Abraham Lincoln lived. It looks like a goddamn catastrophe, and I’m going to be wading knee deep into the stupidity giving absolutely no fucks.
