#August2013
MARKY MARK WAHLBERG sort of wants to play IRON MAN after RDJ.
Disclaimer: I actually like Marky Mark. You know, when he is playing one of his beefcake bimbo roles. But as the lead in Iron Man? Thinking about it. My testes ascend into my throat, and not shortly after I vomit them out into my martini. I still drink said martini, of course.
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CHANNING TATUM looks GLORIOUSLY DUMB in the Wachowski’s ‘JUPITER ASCENDING.’
The Wachowskis are fucking hilarious at this point. Just…man. Just amazingly corny motherfuckers. Watching them trying to struggle to say something of interest after ripping off something like twenty-five years of geek culture in The Matrix has gone from painful to entertaining. The latest ball of hilarity is Jupiter Ascending. Which I’m guessing was written in 1992. Judging from you know, the same old cyberpunk fetish wear the siblings like. Plus! ROLLERBLADEZING HEROES.
Oh lordy. Hit the jump.
VIN DIESEL voicing GROOT in ‘GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.’
Well THANEWS is that Vin Diesel isn’t playing THANOS. Ha! It almost rhymes. Eh whatever. Vinny D’s role in the Marvel Movie Universe has seemingly been revealed, and the good sir is going to be providing voice work for a character I know nothing about.
RONDA ROUSEY in talks for ‘FAST & FURIOUS 7.’ All is wonderful.
Pop quiz! How do you improve what has been scientifically proven to be the best blockbuster franchise since the Mighty Ducks saga? You add Ronda Rousey. Many know her as the women’s champion in the UFC. I know her as that lady who I DATE in SOME SPLINTER UNIVERSE that I am desperately attempting to SLIDE INTO.
Rumor: BRYAN CRANSTON up for LEX LUTHOR in ‘BATMAN/SUPERMAN.’ I vote yes.
This rumor seems a little like paint by numbers. Lex Luthor is a maniacal bald-ass motherfucker. Walter White is a maniacal bald-ass motherfucker. Why not get the same talented actor to play both roles! (Seriously though, I’d be so down with this.)
‘HER’ TRAILER: Spike Jonze’s Lovable Operating System
Didn’t even know about this odd, quirky, totally right up my indie sensibilities (that I rigorously deny). I look forward to probably blowing snot bubbles.
FEIGE SAYS: MARVEL has MOVIES PLANNED THROUGH 2021. Aiight.
When I first came across this story, the headlines were sexier than the actual nougat. Why does the nougat never taste as delicious on my tongue-tip? Eh?
‘THOR: THE DARK WORLD’ TRAILER: LOKI + BRO TEAM-UP FLICK
A new trailer for the second movie starring the character that I proved last week is empirically the greatest superhero of all time. What more do you need? Fall to your knees and thank the Lightning Lord.
DAMON LINDELOF is TIRED of MOVIE DISASTER PORN. POT, MEET KETTLE.
Damon Lindelof has spoken out against movie disaster porn, which is hilarious. Such a act of dumb assery underscores the fact that Lindelof is not just a fledgling, self-congratulatory, horrific plotter. Instead he is also the recipient of at best, an embryonic sense of self. Dude tries to cop to being guilty of movie disaster porn whilst denouncing it, but let’s be honest. The hack has spent the last two summers getting rich as fuck off of the cheap trick, penning two movies (Prometheus and Star Trek Into Ennui) that feature iconography that harkens back to 9/11.
HARRISON FORD starring in ‘EXPENDABLES 3’, thereby BLOWING MY F**KING MIND
Really, Harry? I mean I know you still rock that bad ass earring and all. But sheesh. Years of not wanting to associate with Star Wars (something rectified by the money truck for Episode VII, I bet), and you sign on for this? Hey man. Whatever floats your fucking boat. Whatever makes your earring shine in the daylight.
