#February2014
FOX has TOTALLY CAST THE ‘FANTASTIC FOUR’ REBOOT. No srsly this time.
If you’re to believe the NETTER-WEBS today, the Fantastic Four reboot is finally cast. Finally! I mean I want to believe the buzz, but haven’t we been doing this dance for so long now?
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BRET EASTON EllIS wrote a movie for KANYE WEST. Clash of the D-Bags.
I love Bret Easton Ellis. I used to love Kanye West. They’re both what I consider talented. They’re also both what I consider to me immeasurably large douchebags. One writing a movie for the other? Hoo boy.
‘GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY’ Test Footage: Gun-Murdering Raccoon Time
There is a Guardians of the Galaxy trailer coming down the pipe, so we should all be excited for that. However, what if we’re so excited that our nipples are leaking? Our nose is running? Well bad news — that means you’re probably dying and not actually excited. However!, if it is excitement, I have something to sate you. Some fucking GNARLY test footage featuring Groot and Rocket Raccoon opening cans. Of Dat Whup Ass.
Marvel confirms ‘BLACK WIDOW’ standalone flick in development. Cyeah!
Can you dig it? I can dig it! I’m all clad in leather, a gorgeous catsuit zipped halfway down revealing my oddly shaped nipples and chest hair! But it’s for a good cause. Nay, it’s part of a celebration.
‘TRANSCENDENCE’ Trailer: WONKA AND THE SINGULARITY FACTORY
Johnny Depp’s technological theorizing ass gets capped, so they upload said theorizing ass into a computer. WHAT EVER COULD GO WRONG. Looks gorgeous, can’t tell if I’m intrigued or hate how obvious it seems. Surprise me, Wally Pfister. You’re already titillating my eye-socket orbs.
What do you all think?
‘AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON’ now shooting; ‘EPISODE VII’ begins in MAY.
Combining both of these non-news news reports into one Titanic Machination of Non-News. Why? ‘Cause I cannot wait for 2015. It’s going to have HUGE, HUGE fucking RAMIFICATIONS on my life. No! Not my marriage, you idiots. (Thought that’s happening. 6.6.2015. Write it down, boners.) Instead, two of the biggest movies I’ve ever sweated are dropping.
‘CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER’ TV Spot: Cap America Takes It Off!
Awww yeah, Cap! You take that mask off for me! Hunka hunka burning Patriotism. Seriously though. Thirty-seconds of Winter Soldier action right here. How much new stuff? Prolly pretty much like .0002 seconds. I dun care! It dun matter! Stoked.
PAUL BETTANY is THE VISION in ‘AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON.’ JARVIS EVOLVES.
Vision is coming to the Marvel movie universe. By way of Jarvis. Whelp. Looks like the whole Jarvis-goes-Vision-somehow-creates Ultron storyline is gaining plausibility.
EVANGELINE LILLY up for ‘ANT-MAN’ female lead. Hell yeah.
Despite being in the middle of a miserable, underdeveloped, brutally shoehorned love triangle, I enjoyed Evangeline Lilly in that disastrous riot of suck that was the second Hobbit movie. Whew! Holy run-on sentence! So with that in mind, you say she’s up for the female lead in Ant-Man? I say fuck yeah! And it could be Wasp? Double fuck yeah.
NO BRAINER: Sony registers URL for ‘THE LAST OF US’ movie.
The Last of Us is a wonderful, gripping, heart-stabbing story. The fact that it is told through the world of a game narrative does nothing to diminish that. In fact, perhaps running around the world in the protagonists’ shoes actually heightens it. That said, the translation to a movie makes complete sense. Sony seems to agree, seeing as the company has registered a URL suggesting an adaptation is coming.
