#December2020
Mountain Dew has released a cookbook to celebrate its 80th anniversary. Every day we stray further from God.
Mountain Dew has its own cookbook, folks. Many, many people have told me this, knowing my love for Diet Dew. That said, its existence does feel as though its an affront to God and man alike. But I ain’t turning down some Mountain Dew pancakes if you make ’em for me. Just saying. Let’s revel in sin and gluttony together, while the Lord plans his next flood.
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MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE: Loose-Bowel’d Time Traveling
Hello friends. Another harried edition of Monday Morning Commute for you right here. I’m in that liminal state between teaching and tutoring today (the two hat I don upon the campus), and I reckon this moment may be my only chance to vomit this up before the evening. So uh, rules of the game — we share what we are enjoying, looking forward to, and consuming with great relish on a given week.
Here is my collection of existence!
MOUNTAIN DEW teaming up with Xbox One for “Most Obvious Gaming Promotion In Brand History.”
Mountain Dew is teaming up with Microsoft for a huge push on cheesy products, caffeinated beverages, and the gaming console that is NSA’s data-culling wet dream. It’s a bit of an obvious extension of a collaboration that has been going on for a while now. But this one is going to be HUGE and ENORMOUS and CHEESY.
Press Start: Dew n’ Dorito Nightmare
All week I’ve been vividly imagining the symbiotic relationship between Mountain Dew and Doritos whilst trying to figure out just how video games fit into it. Cross-promotion is a bizarre concept to me; I keep trying to see the links, the patterns and then I get scared and frustrated when it doesn’t all piece together. I’ve been having fevered nightmares about neon, corn-peppered shit slurry: really vivid, nasty stuff. I need to write this to exorcise them demons.
MOUNTAIN DEW Tie-In With ‘DARK KNIGHT RISES’ Is My Heart Attack Dream.
I’ve always kept it to myself, a linger feeling that Batman could kick more ass if he was hopped up on the Dew. Everything kicks more ass when you’re jittering on the Dew. Now Pepsi Corporation Pigs and Dark Knight Rises Marketing Swine have made this mash-up of my geek dreams come true.
Mountain Dew Has Brought Back The ‘Purple Poison’, Tell My Tale.
Went Caffeine Stalking yesterday in order to feed the beast, and I came across these beauties. The Purple Poison. Capable of generating burps that leave you in no doubt that you’re rotting your innards with every gratifying gulp. My heart is utterly pissed at this development, but can you put a price on seeing The Eyes of The Gods?
Naw.
Mountain Dew Can Dissolve Mouse Carcasses. Says Who? Says Pepsi.
Some poor bastard is suing Pepsi, claiming that there was a dead mouse in his can. You know, assuming he is telling the truth and is actually just dumb enough to not notice himself pouring a mouse into his mouth. Pepsi’s retort? Bro, our soda can dissolve that shit. Wait, wut?
Mountain Dew Causes Infertility, But Makes You Flame Proof? Fair Trade ++
Talk about one in the fair trade department. Remember all those warnings back in the day about how Mountain Dew kills sperm? Yeah, me too. Didn’t stop me, and I’ve since gone on to replace 90% of my body’s blood with the substance. What I didn’t know, and hasn’t been revealed today is that it has made me flame proof. Flame proof! Sort of. I’m about to become a Darwin award.
Monday Morning Commute: Never Tell Me the Odds.
I’m tired and cranky and hungry. The pile of work on my desk is increasing at an exponential rate. My gums are bleeding. How’s my breathing? Belabored. All I want to do is lay down for the night and wake up tomorrow. Know what I can’t do until I finish about seven different projects? Lay down for the night and wake up tomorrow.
Goddamn do I hate Mondays.
But I’d be a liar to imply that I don’t have a soft spot for the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE, OL‘s weekly show-and-tell feature. Here’s how it works: I’m going to give you a guided tour of my demented mind, steering you away from the Freudian nightmares and towards the entertainment wet-dreams. After scoping out the monsters lurking in my brain-bone, it’s your duty to hit up the comments section and show off the wares you’ll be using to survive the workweek.
C’mon, you think we’re afraid of the 9-5? You think we can’t survive the daily grind? Bring it on! FLAME ON!
Diet Mountain Dew Cubes = Heart Attack INC.
One of the two highlights of my descent into the Great American Yokel last week was finding these beauties at a local Walmart. For just $5, less than a twelve-pack here, I could buy a 24-can cube of Diet Mountain Dew destruction. Amazed at the sight, and drinking away my woes, I simply had to buy two.
