I can no longer worry about whether or not Kinect is going to succeed. I can no longer worry about whether or not yet another console is going to be indoctrinated into gimmicky, motion control bullshit. I can no longer worry about whether or not the Xbox 360 can stuff all those grandparents and happy family advertisements down the fucking Sarlacc Pit they belong in, incinerating their insipid banality into a forgotten realm of bullshit.

Who gives a shit if it’s gimmicky bullshit? Who gives a shit if it’s clearly spying on you for Big Brother Microsoft Cola? No ones.

I should have known better. Kinect isn’t just selling, it’s selling like fucking hot cakes.

Reuters:

Microsoft Corp said on Monday it has sold more than 1 million of its new hands-free Kinect gaming systems in the first 10 days since launch, putting it on track to beat its target of 5 million sales by the end of the year.

Son of a fucking bitch. Oh well. What does it really mean in the long run? A lot more units solid for the Micro-softs, right? They’ve totally out Wii’d the Wii. No longer must you sling phallic device! Now you dance your way into stupidity with Grandma! Watch as she dances her dying tribal dance! Watch as Papa’s hearing aid falls out in the middle of a lovely game of The Biggest Loser: Ultimate Workout! and the family cat dies from choking on it.

As long as it doesn’t affect the actual like, games being produced, I’m fine. There can be mountains of bullshit titles out there featuring Kinect-based controls, as long as I get my legitimate installments. But with news that there’s a Gears of War-related Kinect announcement soon, I fear! I fear the infection is spreading.

The bunkers, we must climb into them. The hatches, we must latch.

You fucking assholes.

Someone call the fucking Thought Police, cause Kinect is staring at you, reporting you to Big Brother. Seriously, how fucking creepy is this?

Kotaku:

Speaking at an investor’s conference on Thursday, a Microsoft executive offered that Kinect not only knows how many are in the room when an ad’s shown, but what kind of team colors they might be wearing. Uh-oh.

How Orwellian is this shit? This sounds amazingly like the point in 1984 when everyone has to go through their morning exercise routines while the television prompter watched. Except now, they’ve merely tricked you into playing Dance Central Titty And Dong Shake Time. Yessir. It’s the same deal. They’re spying on you. But they wised up, and they’re not as obvious about it as they were in Orwell’s novel. They wised up, and drizzled their eerie spying in glitter and pom-poms!

Creepy shit! I mean, instead of being forced into this creepy Big Brother environment, we’re instead giving the keys to our souls willingly to giant corporations and marketing entities. But watch the fuck out next time you’re boning your hand in front of your Kinect! Kinect sees all. Kinect knows all. Kinect is selling your attributes to the highest bidder, so they can stream advertisements subliminally into your skull while you sleep at night. Laugh all you want, it’s fucking happening!

Back in the day, before Bungie had made Master Chief fanboy douchebags out of all of us, they were a bit strapped for cash. Looking for a sugar daddy to support them, former project lead Tuncer Deniz decided to hit up Daddy Stevey Jobs for some cash flow. Too busy trying to figure out ways to exploit all of us with over-priced, sexy, shiny objects (I’m a sucker for it), Jobs decided to demur and pass on the then fledgling studio.

For a bit.

Somewhere in his cranium, Jobs then decided that he would indeed like to very much purchase them. The only problem? Motherfuckin’ archnemesis Microsoft had swooped in, and bought them all up and shit. This did nothing less than send Steve Jobs into a Hulk-like rage.

Kotaku:

As soon as we announced we bought Bungie, Steve Jobs called,” former Microsoft VP of game publishing Ed Fries tells Develop.

“He was mad at [Microsoft CEO Steve] Ballmer and phoned him up and was angry because we’d just bought the premier Mac game developer and made them an Xbox developer.”

He was so mad, in fact, that he needed to be called and talked back from the outskirts of cranky town.

Pretty fucking interesting, to say the least. What would have happened if Apple hadn’t been too late in snagging Bungie? Would all of us douchebag Master Chief boner-worshippers never have come aboard the Halo train? Or would all of the Xbots of the world simply been Mac dickheads? I shudder at the thought, since god knows there’s a lot of them already.

Steve Ballmer is lucky that Jobs didn’t take that motherfucker out. This is the same Steve Jobs that commands the Hand, and was stopped in an airport because he was trying to smuggle ninja stars onto his own private jet. You don’t fuck with shit like that! Jobs will cut you. Cut you deep, and wear your head on his cock like fucking Patrick Bateman. I’ve seen it.

Intriguing stuff.

Remember when I commented on Oprah Winfery giving away Xbox 360s and Kinects to everyone in her audience last week? Remember when I said that the women were roused into retarded level of hysteria after Oprah was like “yo, mindless automatons, be fucking excited!” Well, the Oprah Winfrey juggernaut cannot be fucking stopped. Not only are her audiences base, empty women, but the people watching at home are just as susceptible to Ms. Winfrey’s suggestive powers.

Since being spotlighted on her show, Kinect pre-orders have jumped 42% on Amazon. Good lord.

That’s fucking stellar. Nothing like the Voice of Vacancy rousing into her followers a sense of OMFG, OPRAH SEZ IS COOL, I BUY. I could be jumping to conclusions, maybe the correlation is maybe coincidence. Doubtful. I wish Oprah told everyone in her audience that double-pronged dildos and anal nitrate was awesome. The idea of house wives eagerly awaiting boxes of sex toys is awesome. C’mon Oprah! It’s your last season. Use your influence to inspire some freak in the ordinary lady.

Kotaku picked up on a CNN article where   Microsoft Game Studios VP Phil Spencer is talking up the Nintendo 3DS, while calling the rest of 3D gaming a “science experiment”. Well then! What exactly is Spencer’s reasoning for praising the upcoming Nintendo handheld, while taking a presumed swipe on Sony’s entry into 3D gaming on the PS3? Dude explains!

CNN:

“I like the 3DS,” Spencer said, though he hadn’t actually seen it firsthand. He likes the concept because “you don’t have to wear the glasses.”

I agree with you on that one, Philly. Nothing screams choad like wearing some goofy fucking glasses while you’re trying to watch television, or play video games. I mean, talk about fucking gimmicky. But do you know what’s just as gimmicky as wearing some fucking goggles on your fat mug? Doing karate kicks to control something on screen!

Yeah, that’s right the fucking Kinect is about as retarded and gimmicky. Now, I’m embellishing a bit. He didn’t actually demean 3D gaming as gimmicky. I did. I just sort of conflated the two. But it seems amusing that he doesn’t see something ludicrous in fingering animals with your hands through pantomiming, but he thinks some glasses on your faceplate aren’t anything more than fucking around with science.

Thoughts? Shazam!

We know it was coming. We had heard the rumblings that Microsoft’s retarded Kinect was going to cost $150. That’s one-hundred and fifty Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, but now it’s official.

via kotaku:

Microsoft’s Kinect add-on for the Xbox 360 will be $150 and come with a copy of Kinect Adventures when the motion controller hits stores in November, the company said today. Kinect games will sell for $50 each.

Oh goody! The Kinect games – which are tantamount to pantomiming like an asshole, will be ten bucks less than regular 360 games. That’s still fifty Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers to look like a tool.*

*Yes, I’ll still probably be buying this piece of shit. As always, I am part of the problem.

Apparently the 360 dashboard is getting a redesign, soon? Tipped off by Logic Sunrise, Kotaku commented on it today. I have extremely undiscriminating eyes, and because of that, I struggled to figure out what exactly had changed. Thankfully the dudes at the K-Otaku spelled it out for me:

via kotaku:

The changes seen in the images include slightly smaller text for the menu options and presenting the sub menu as a series of side-by-side images rather than images that drop away from the screen.

Well, there you go! Are you satisfied? Hit the jump to get a bunch of new unthrilling pictures of the redesign.

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Boom! Hell yeah, fuck you Microsoft! That’s essentially what Square Enix president Yoichi Wada is saying. Dude is droppin’ verbal landmines at the feet of all those goofy ass douchebags dancing in the Microsoft Kinect promos:

via destructoid:

“I missed Microsoft’s conference. Having said that, I think that what they have focused on for Kinect is very interesting and I hope they will attract an even wider audience,” Wada states. “I would say it is no different from just the Wii.“

Oh shit! Volleys served! Bombs away! I want to give this dude a bro-hug and a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. Chilled, of course. We can be tots buddies for life.

This is all you need to know about Bulletstorm. You shoot the fucking shit out of shit. You swear a lot. There’s fucking hilarious (intentionally) cheesy action movie lines like “I predict an imminent detonation…”, ” I predict an imminent getting the fuck out of here!” and “Last train out of explosion town!” You shoot more dudes. You rack up insane arcadey combos. You have fucking sweet fucking weapons. You shoot more shit. I think the main character is voiced by Spike Spiegel’s voice actor. Who also did 7-Eleven ads, which is double fucking win. Hit the jump, watch the trailer, sorry about your genitals.

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If you’re like me, and you think that while Natal/Kinect is visually another sexy object, it is lame as fuck, the name sucks, and you generally abhor the direction of motion controls, then you’re going to love the Microsoft tagline. Or barf everywhere, laughing at the misdirection.

Tagline:

No barriers.
No boundaries.
No gadgets.
No gizmos.
No learning curves.

With Kinect,
you are the controller.

Really? Holy fucking shit. Fantastic. Reminds me of something out of Max Barry’s Syrup.